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September 28, 2004
Big Spaz
Lani, writing from the glamorous closet, in her pajamas...
This is the big day, the Day My First Book Releases. In my life, there will only be one of these.
And strangely... it's a little anticlimactic. I've been getting reports of people buying Time Off all over the country for a week, and that's been really cool, but it steals a little thunder from the Big Day. Which is okay by me - I love those reports. I print them out and roll in them on my bed at night.
(I'm kidding about that last part. I sincerely hope you knew that.)
But, anyway, like the big spaz I am, I went to (Unnamed Huge Labyrinthine Book Conglomerate) last night. It was a day early, but Adam and I thought that at least they'd have stock in the back that I could sign and there was a chance, just a chance, that it would be our first Official In The Store Sighting. And that would be cool.
Side note: Did y'all know these UHLBCs do the evil-corporation-sucking-the-will-to-live-out-of-their-employees thing? I did not know that. But back to the story...
So, last night, Adam and I took the kids to the mall on a reconnaisance mission, just in case, because You Never Know. And we walked in, and we coolly made our way past the new paperback table, casually tossing a glance over the copies, without a care in the world...
And then I gasp, jump up and down like a big spaz, and point. "There it is! Oh my God! There it is!"
They had five copies out on the front table. Five copies. Woo hoo!
There was much rejoicing for me and Adam, but the kids were predictably unimpressed. They were all "I want the Dora books! I want the Dora books!" Rotten little rottens. So Adam dragged them up to the kids section where they tortured him with hot pokers... I mean, books of the Ni-Ni-Ni-Ni-Nick Jr. variety.
Me, I went to find Information Desk Guy. He was standing, conveniently enough, behind the information desk. His hair was not white, and not gray, but some strange, almost colorless, in-between shade. That should have been my first clue, but I was too bubbly and excited. So I grin, lean over the table, and say breathlessly, like the big spaz that I am, "Hey, that's my book out there, mind if I sign your stock?"
IDG looks at me with the dull eyes of a feudal slave and groans, "Yeah. Which one."
(Note: The absence of question marks in this sentence represents the complete and utter lack of inflection and/or evidence of a life force. Were I a horror writer, I would have started imagining evil conglomerates making deals with the devil to drain the essence from its employees so they worked continuously and never quit. Instead, as a chick lit writer, I thought, "Poor guy needs some coffee.")
So I lead him to The Table and point out my book. He picks them up with all the enthusiasm of a cave troll and hauls them over to the desk, then trudges behind the desk to, I'm assuming, search for a reason to continue living.
"Thanks," I say quietly, ruffling through my bag. "I'm sure I've got my own pen here... somewhere. Don't worry."
He wasn't worried in the least. Not as far as I can tell, anyway. I'm not really good at reading people whose life force has been ripped from their being. Lack of experience and all. So I sign the books, and I realize as I'm doing it that he has no idea who I am. Didn't ask for any form of ID, nothing. I could have signed all of Alesia's books, and Michelle's (which were both out on the table with me, Alesia's just one book over, which cockled the warmths of my heart) and he probably wouldn't have so much as blinked.
So I sign them, and tap the pile with a big smile. "All done. There you go. Do you need me to put autographed stickers on them?"
I dug into my bag. I have my own "Autographed Copy" stickers. I carry them with me. Because, you know, I'm a big spaz.
Anyway, he trudges over, takes the books from me, and says, "No. We have those," in the same way that a death row inmate, when asked what he'd like for a last meal, might say, "What's the point."
Sans question marks.
So, he takes these big, square, UHLBC-edition "Autographed Copy" stickers, and slaps 'em on the covers. Just slaps 'em on. Doesn't worry about the fact that, on some of his random hits, he's covering my name, or the title, or the face of the girl, or some other essential cover element. Now, granted in his defense, there isn't a whole lot of room on that cover for an autograph sticker, and the UHLBC ones are kinda big, but there was the one empty, lime-green box on the right side...
... which was, in every incident, on all five books, uncovered by the sticker, while the person who buys that book from this particular UHLBC will have to open it to find out who wrote it.
So. There you go. My somewhat less-than-enthusiastic introduction to the world of the Published Author With An Actual Book In Bookstores. But, what are you gonna do? I mean, how was I to know that UHLBC systematically sucks the life force out of its employees? What were the chances?
Although, if I'da been a horror writer, I might have seen it coming.
Posted by Lani at 8:29 AM | Comments (11)
Comments
Maybe it's just the ****** in Syracuse-- because strangely enough, at the one down here, the employees are almost disturbingly charming, helpful, and enthusiastic.
Now, were I a horror writer, that would start all sorts of "Stepford" scenarios rolling around. *g* But because I write chick lit, I think, "Too much coffee." :-P
B.
Posted by: Barb at September 28, 2004 11:35 AM
Me, as we drove to the fair last night:
You know, if we have to stop at a bookstore, I totally, like, understand.
Hubby:
Uh, did I zone out? Were we supposed to be making a pitstop anywhere?
Me:
Oh, I'm just saying...if YOU wanted to, I'll be fine with the extra time it takes. I'll probably just look for my friend's NEW BOOK, if I have to go.
Hubby:
Why can't you just say, "Take me to the bookstore!" and stop messing with my head?"
TAKE ME TO THE BOOKSTORE! Alas, maybe today :) You spaz, you!
Posted by: AGK at September 29, 2004 8:42 AM
Lani, so exciting that your book is out!! And your story of signing stock is hilarious...
Posted by: Cindy at September 30, 2004 7:42 AM
Hey, congrats on the book being out and on the shelves! Loved reading your little ditty about the walking dead manning the information booth. Perhaps to remain completely unbiased and strictly informational, there is some sort of mild anti-psychotic that the UHLBC forces on its employees. After all, were someone behind the information desk to show a glimmer of enthusiasm, it may be construed as going beyond the constructs of information, and into the touchy world of opinion and personality. Just a hunch. I am sure CBS can find some authentic documents to support my claim.
Anyway, again, congrats. I knew you when.....
Cheers.
Posted by: Chris F. at October 1, 2004 10:53 AM
I read Time Off For Good Behavior in the bathtub last night (my toes were all wrinkled by the time I got out)! I laughed aloud several times and it was my first real foray into Chick Lit since swearing off of it due to authors like Nicholas Sparks and James Patterson. I hate bodice rippers and romance novels. I like these.
I'm looking forward to reading more of what you write. Your main character, Wanda, sounds almost exactly like my friend Jen: sarcastic, frustrated, and really tired of life not only kicking her when she's down but suing her for assault and battery afterward.
Jess
Posted by: Jess B. at October 1, 2004 3:43 PM
You've got to find some monumental way to celebrate this truly awesome career milestone. Can you take your husband and your best friend and all the other important people in your life out to dinner and truly savor the moment? (Yes, I'm insane, but the thrill of having a new book never wears off, even when you've been through the process a few times. Trust me!!!)
Posted by: Ann at October 3, 2004 5:51 PM
Thanks so much everyone!
Barb - bless your heart! ;)
AGK - you get that hubby to take you to the bookstore!
Cindy - thanks so much!
Stork - good to see you, man; thanks for the kind words and well wishes. Back atcha.
Jess - hope it was worth getting all pruny!
Ann - oh, we've been celebrating... but unfortunately, because it's the first book, we can't really afford to go out much! But there's plenty of happy dances going on in the livingroom, and that's almost as good!
Thanks everyone! Big Lit Chick love to you all!
Posted by: Lani at October 3, 2004 6:24 PM
Loved reading you, love your website! Now I must buy your book! Who is it published by? I understand you're the author who wrote it in response to the 50000 words in November challenge? I plan to take that challenge this year. Did you know what you were going to write when you started? Had you tried to write the book before? What's your writing background? Have you written a lot, a little? Fiction? Thanks, Kelly
Posted by: Kelly at October 3, 2004 7:33 PM
Hi Lani,
I did NaNo last year and am doing it again this year. I followed this link from your signature over at the NaNo forums. I just have to say (even though you don't know me from Adam) how thrilled I am for you! Congrats on being published! I laughed so much at your book-signing story, that I know I am just going to love your book - it's on my "To Buy" list as of now.
Posted by: Dana at October 6, 2004 3:07 PM
Well, all I can say is that you're darned lucky to have found someone to at least wait on you at all. And "wait" on you we all shall. Girl, you are there -- I mean "THERE!" That place that I and Mon always knew you'd be. Ok, Ok, too funny, again, as usual. Here's the thing, I was thinking that you should write that book about whatever I was thinking about last week, but I've decided that you need to write about a woman who reads "Self Matters" and then, by God, changes her life and writes this novel in one month and then gets a NY agent who gets a couple of offers and takes the best one in your best interest and then in less than "a blink of a Moose's eye" gets you a deal that gets you published and noticed, if not by those walking but deceased book store employees, by other breathing and glad of it much more enthusiastic folks like myself. Man, oh man, babe, you did it! There's a novel here somewhere, I just know it. MTML -- W:):)
Posted by: Wanda Woo at October 6, 2004 11:44 PM
You are not a spaz, you are brilliant ... and oh, so funny! I found you via the NaNoWriMo website and I am so glad that I did. You are an inspiration to all the wonderful women out there who have a dream of writing a book ... or writing anything. You have shown us that it can be done. Not all of us will be published, but we can try damnit! Now I must find out if your book is available in Canada yet, and if not never mind, because in twelve days I will be driving through at least five states enroute to Florida. Oh, and you have inspired me to stop wimping out and to sign up for NaNoWriMo. Thank you!
Posted by: Poppy at October 17, 2004 3:16 PM
