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December 17, 2004

In The Blink of an Eye (or Five Millions Blinks)

From Michelle, the slakker blogger in Rotterdam...

After a three week hiatus involving (a) moving into my permanent apartment, (b) unpacking gazillions (feels like) of boxes and squeezing the contents into my apartment, and (c) attempting the impossible task of arranging all vital services, I’m back!

When I say “back” I mean “back in the Internet café” because, of course, one of the services I still don’t have is the Internet. More about that later.

You know, after all the endless waiting, and more endless waiting, and endless wading through red tape, I assumed that once we became “real” people, with the right papers, living in a real apartment, everything else would follow.

What a poor, deluded fool I was!

Here’s my tale of “getting connected” triumphs and woes...

You know how you call a service and then you get connected to a voice menu, and multiple choices, and then hours of music before you get to speak to an actual, you know, real person? Well, over here it’s the same kind of thing (except in Dutch, obviously) but you HAVE TO PAY TEN Eurocents (aprox twelve US cents) per minute for the privilege. Ten cents per minute to be left hanging on the telephone! I kid you not!

Anyway, I digress. In order to get connected to anything I have to go through this process because there’s no choice, so I will stop whining about the cost.

And at least it has helped with my Dutch language skills.

Favorite new phrase (and if you happen to be Dutch and I’ve misspelt any words, I apologize in advance):

Al onze medewerkers sein noch in gesprek. Een ogenblik gedoelt, alstublieft.

Literally translated it means “All of our representatives are currently in conversation. Wait for the blink of an eye, please.”

The tale of the telephone...

So I call the telephone company’s 0900 TEN CENTS PER MINUTE number, as instructed. I listen carefully to the Dutch menu options and make my choice. And some piped music, the recorded message about all the reps conversing and waiting an ogenblik, and after about two million ogenbliks (feels like) I get through to a real person.

After I explain that I’m moving into my permanent apartment and would like a telephone number (imagining that there’s bound to be a problem) the rep stuns me. “No problem,” the very nice rep tells me. “We’ll connect you on Friday. Just fill in the form we send you, enclose a photocopy of your husband’s passport and make sure we get it back within five working days.”

Easy! So when the form arrives I fill it in, enclose a copy of Oh Patient One’s passport, trip to the post office and mail it back. And then I buy a telephone...

Can’t plug it in because, of course, it has the wrong kind of connector. I mean, I just assumed that there was only once kind of connector.

Back to the store I go to look for a phone with the right connector...

But when I get home and plug in the second phone, it works! Yeah!

And they all phoned happily ever after!

The tale of the TV...

So I call the energy company on another 0900 TEN CENTS PER MINUTE number (can you tell that the TEN CENTS PER MINUTE thing seriously grieves me?) to arrange for electric and water.

Three million ogenbliks (and some pleasant piped music and that message about reps currently chatting) later I get to speak to a real person.

“No problem,” the very nice rep tells me. “Just take the meter readings, fill in the form we send you, and send back with a photocopy of your husband’s passport. By the way, did you want to be connected to TV, too?”

Wonderful rep! I didn’t know that the energy company could connect my cable TV, too! How nice of him to tell ignoramus me. And at TEN CENTS PER MINUTE, I was delighted to kill another bird with the same stone. And the TV would be connected within three days. Fantabulous!

So I fill in the form, attach a copy of Oh Patient One’s passport, trip to the post office and mail it. And then I realized that I’d totally forgotten to fill in the meter readings.

Oops...

So a couple of days later (to give them time to receive the form) I call the energy company again and after five million ogenbliks (feels like) I get through to a very nice rep. And after I tell her my tale, and also tell her that we still don’t have a TV signal and that I think the missing meter readings are the reason for this, she says, “Yes, that’s why you have no TV signal yet. No worries,” she adds. “I’ll take the meter readings now over the phone. Your TV will be connected in three working days.”

Success!!!

Four days later we still have no TV signal, but the energy company has sent me another form to fill in because, of course, the meter readings were missing from the first one.

Gah!

So I call the energy company again and after about ten million ogenbliks (and lots of TEN CENTS PER MINUTE charges) I speak to yet another nice rep. “We don’t take meter readings over the telephone,” she tells me. “But...but the other person said I could,” I wail. “We definitely don’t,” she insists. “But you can fax the information to us and your TV will be connected within three working days.”

So I fax the form. And wait. And wait. And a few days later we still have no TV signal.

So, at great personal expense both in time and cents per minute, I call the energy company again. Fifteen million ogenbliks later I speak to yet another nice rep. “No, the missing meter readings have nothing to do with you not being connected to the TV signal,” she tells me, totally contradicting her very nice colleagues. “According to my records, our TV engineer came around on December 1st and connected your TV signal.”

He did?

“But I didn’t see him, and we still don’t have a service,” I tell her. “No, he doesn’t need to come into your apartment,” she assures me. “He connected from our, er, connection box outside the apartment. There must be a problem with your signal. You need to call the company who provide the signal and explain to them that you are not connected.”

I do?

So after I hang up, I call the 0900 TEN CENTS PER MINUTE number she’s given me (and, it has to be said, at this point I am totally baffled that there is another company involved in providing my TV signal).

Fifty thousand ogenbliks later I speak to (yet another) nice rep. “Your data is not on my computer,” she tells me apologetically. “You have to call another department to register.”

Do I really, really have to?

“But...but can’t you just transfer me?”

Please don’t tell me I have to call and go through the whole voice menu thing again.

“No, you have to call the number and select a different option from the menu,” she says, and I am getting ready, at this point, to give up.

So I call, and one hundred thousand ogenbliks later I get another rep. This one obviously had a heavy session the night before because he is yawning down the phone at me.

God, it’s probably the wrong department after all this.

“No, this is the right department,” he yawns at me. And then he takes my details and registers me on his computer, and tells me that I should have a signal within 24 hours. “But we have a technical problem in your area,” he adds. “Our signal is down and no one has TV at the moment.”

I JUST DON’T BEELEEVE IT!

“And you need to call back the energy company to tell them that you have registered with us directly,” he adds.

PLEASE LET THIS TORTURE STOP!

But before I let him go back to sleep, I did notice on the voice menu that Internet was one of the options. “Um, while I have you on the phone,” I say just a bit apologetically, because I’m feeling guilty at depriving him of his beauty sleep, “I don’t suppose you could arrange cable Internet for me, could you?” So you could knock me down with a feather when he says yes and runs through all the different deals I could have, and then I choose one, and then he tells me that the engineer will be around next Monday to install the software for me.

On Wednesday I called the energy company again to tell them that I should be connected and that the other company told me to call them back. “Oh, they’re always referring customers back to us,” the rep says. “Really, if there is a problem with your signal you need to call them again.”

Gah!

Yesterday, bravely facing another gazillion ogenbliks hanging on the phone, I called the second company again because I still didn’t have a TV signal.

“Oh, you were connected yesterday,” yet another rep tells me. “But we are still having technical problems and there is no signal in your area.”

Today, three weeks later, I still have no TV signal. I don’t know if it is because a) I am still not connected, or b) the signal is still down. When I’ve had a little lie down, because my brain hurts from all of this, I am going to spend a lot more ogenbliks and money calling the 0900 TEN CENTS PER MINUTE number. Again.

And they never, ever got a TV signal ever again, and lived unhappily TV free ever after.

(And if my some miracle I do ever get connected, when the bill comes in, I’m sorely tempted to write and explain that I’m sorry, but due to the enormous phone bill I ran up from all those 0900 ogenbliks, I’m currently broke and they will need to wait an ogenblik or five gazillion for their money.)

As for the Internet? The guy’s coming (supposed to be coming) on Monday. But I ain’t holding my breath.

Posted by Michelle at 10:51 AM | Comments (2)

Comments

Posted by: Sally F. at December 17, 2004 3:21 PM

Posted by: Michelle C at December 21, 2004 5:28 AM