« Nog me | Main | Vengeful 4 year olds and the Holliday spirit »
December 23, 2004
Crudely Yours, Lani
Lani, now with shiny new street cred...
Author's Note: Since I'll have company over the holiday, and Saturday is my posting day, I'm gonna post this now and take the slack over the next week. Then, in January, I'm back! This can be viewed as either a promise or a threat, depending on how you feel about me...
It's a Choppy Thought kind of day here. I'm doing laundry, preparing for company, thinking about showering, trying to keep Light out of trouble, and basically, my brain is going off in a million directions. Some are coherent thoughts, but most run along the lines of, "Mmmmm. Mallomars." So, let's get started, shall we?
Big news - I got my first totally scathing review at Amazon! (scroll down to the entry titled "Ugh!") It's kinda funny. I don't know why it doesn't bother me. It probably should. I think if I had a lot of scathing reviews, it would. But overall, I think it's kinda neat. I've been waiting, in dread, for the first person who hated Time Off to appear because I knew it would happen. It always happens. I mean, you can't please everyone - it's impossible. So this being the first bad review, it's more like I get to release that last breath. I feel oddly relieved.
Plus, now I've got the street cred I need to join a very cool group - the group of authors who have been flambéed on Amazon. Tee hee.
I recently came up with a great marketing angle for divorce attorneys. (Whoops - sorry. On choppy thought days, there are no segues, no gentle transitions. I should have warned you to fasten your seat belt. Ready? Okay. Let's continue.) Anyway, they should start a commercial with pictures of Scott Peterson, Mark Hacker, Robert Blake, etc. Then, fade to black. Voice Over says, "Hey. Guys. We have the answer." Then, in white block letters, D-I-V-O-R-C-E comes up on the screen. Then show the divorce lawyer's logo with some sort of slogan along the lines of "Divorce. It beats getting b@$$-f#$%ed in prison."
I like it.
God. I hope my mom doesn't read this blog. I can just hear the phone call now. "Honey, do you really have to mention getting b@$$-f#$%ed on your blog? Can't you use nicer language, or at least say 'sodomized'? People are going to think I raised you to be crude."
My answer to this is, of course my mother didn't raise me to be crude. It just happened, like penicillin, or The Spice Girls. I can understand her surprise, though; my mother is the least crude person out of anyone I've ever met in my entire life. She doesn't drink. She doesn't swear. She's kind to everyone no matter how awful they are and she actually thinks before she speaks. I have no idea where I came from. I'm playing with a switched-at-the-hospital theory. I suspect my real parents are somewhere out there, possibly starring as Perps of the Week on Cops, while a very sweet and confused daughter stands close by, clutching her bible and saying, "I just don't understand..."
So, everyone, during this holiday season, please take a moment to think of my poor mother and her real daughter. Meanwhile, I'll be in the corner, cursing and drinking and bringing shame to my family.
Coming in the New Year... the first chapter of Maybe Baby!!
Posted by Lani at 9:34 AM | Comments (4)
Comments
OMG! I am sitting here laughing my head off, Lani, because I, too, am just about to start my Christmas shopping...
Michelle xx
Posted by: Michelle C at December 23, 2004 9:37 AM
Owkey, I am an idiot. I meant the last message to go with your previous blog, then totally messed up!
One day I will master technology!
Michelle xx
Posted by: Michelle C at December 23, 2004 9:40 AM
OK, howling here. As a recovering attorney, that is the funniest damn commercial I've ever heard of - and so very very true.
alesia, who would almost prefer prison to fighting holiday shopping crowds. Who knew little old ladies could throw elbows like that???
Posted by: Alesia at December 23, 2004 1:15 PM
HEY we have the exact same mother!
Posted by: Joshilyn at December 24, 2004 7:18 AM
