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January 24, 2005

The Window, The Supermarket and The Courier

From Michelle, particularly paranoid in Rotterdam...

So there we were the other morning at 5am, fast asleep in our beds as people are wont to be at that time of day, casually dreaming our own dreams, not bothering anyone, when, all of a sudden, there was this Godalmighty crash...

Was it that horrible, nasty evil spammer breaking into the apartment to really steal my identity, I thought? Of course not, because that would be really paranoid of me.

Or was it a burglar smashing in through a window? If so, he or she would have to abseil from the roof because we are on the fifth floor, which makes this an unlikely entry point into our apartment.

So I leaped out of bed and went to investigate...

THE WINDOW

Teenager #2 likes to sleep with his window open. Since we moved into our new apartment two months ago, he's had the window open every single night.

Anyway, it soon became evident that a gust of wind had grabbed hold of the window and slammed it against the wall. Result: a big hole in the window. In fact, such a big hole that there wasn't any window left.

Fortunately, the glass all smashed outwards and downwards. Also fortunately, because of the time of day, it didn't injure any innocent neighbors. See, Teenager #2's room is directly above the main entrance.

Teenager #2, in the manner of teenagers the world over, slept soundly through all this noise...

So anyway, because it was too early to report the accident to Bob, the apartment block manager, who lives downstairs, and also because it was dangerous to leave all that shattered glass down by the main entrance (especially as many people in my block have dogs that need to be walked--couldn't bear the thought of a nasty cut paw), there I was at the crack of dawn with a large broom and a bag clearing it all up. Oh Patient One had a plane to London to catch, so it was me by myself.

Amidst all this glass clearance, my neighbors began to trickle out of the building on their way to work. They were all very interested to meet me and to find out what had happened. This is what they said when I told them the story of the Wind in the Window...

New Neighbor #1: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "I didn't know that. Thanks for the advice."

New Neighbor #2: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "Yes, New Neighbor #1 did mention that. I'll be sure to keep all windows on this side closed in the future."

New Neighbor #3: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "Really?"

And so it went on until...

New Neighbor #10: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "Wow. I won't make this mistake again in a hurry."

And then the wife of the apartment block manager, Mrs. Bob, came out to take her dog for a walk. She, too, wondered what happened, and so I told her.

Mrs. Bob: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "Um, I didn't know that, but I surely do now!"

So anyway, hours later, after clearing up all the shattered bits of glass (actually, it only took an hour but it felt like hours), I called Bob and he came up to inspect the damage.

Bob: "You know, it's dangerous to leave your windows open on this side of the building. The wind is always very strong."

Me: "Yes, so I hear. Don't worry, beacuse I'm going to use crazy glue to stick shut all of the windows on this side of the apartment. No, not really, just kidding..."

Bob: "The glazier will be around shortly to put in new glass."

Me: "Thank you!"

And an hour later the glazier arrived and fixed the window. He had obviously dealt with this apartment and its wind problem before. I am not going to repeat his wise piece of advice to me...

THE SUPERMARKET

So there I was the other day, innocently placing the items from my basket onto the conveyer belt, casually minding my own shopping when I got that strange feeling that someone was glaring at me. That someone, I was sure, was the older lady behind me in the line.

It couldn't be because I had a huge order and would take ages, because (on account of not having a car and doing supermarket shopping either on foot or by bike) I only had about 6 or 7 items. Had I stacked my shopping appropriately on the conveyer belt? Had I left superfluous space between the bread and the milk? This is a bit of a crime over here, because conveyer belts are quite small, and it is the shopper's responsibility to ensure that his/her shopping is well-behaved at all times. So I checked, then moved everything up a bit to make more room for the angry person behind me.

I could still feels waves of disapprobation rolling in my general direction as she (a) grabbed a divider bar and slapped it down on the conveyer belt (a-ha, so that's what I did wrong), and (b) slapped her two items onto the conveyer belt. Or was I just being totally paranoid and imagining it?

So, taking my courage in my hands, I turned around, and sure enough she was scowling ferociously at me. Obviously, by not placing the divider on the conveyer belt quickly enough, I had completely ruined her day!

For about half a second I faltered, and then do you know what I did? I gave her a big, friendly smile. And do you know what? She smiled right back...

THE COURIER

Just before Christmas I couriered the proof pages of my next book back to my publisher in Manhattan, and I also slipped in a couple of little prezzies for my editors. And because I worry about things like this, I did, in fact, tell the courier that I'd put in a couple of little prezzies. She told me not to worry, and so I didn't.

Later that day I got a call from the courier to say that (a) they had opened the packet for security reasons, and (b) if I wanted to send a couple of small prezzies with my 19 proof pages then it would be EEE (Euros) more to do so. So I coughed up the extra cash ($100 in total!)

Strongly suspect that the courier thought I was either (a) a drug baron, or (b) a porn magnate...

So this morning I received a packet from another publisher via the same courier. Inside was a copy of a manuscript I have agreed to read. The packet had been opened for security reasons, the rubber band had been removed from the manuscript, and EVERY SINGLE PAGE WAS OUT OF ORDER.

Strongly suspect the courier now thinks that the Manhattan editor is either (a) a drug baron, or (b) a porn magnate.

But that would just be totally paranoid of me, wouldn't it?

Bye for now!

Michelle

Posted by Michelle at 7:15 AM | Comments (4)

Comments

Posted by: M. B. S. at January 24, 2005 9:02 PM

Posted by: Michelle C at January 25, 2005 7:22 AM

Posted by: Sally at January 25, 2005 6:29 PM

Posted by: Michelle C at January 26, 2005 5:35 AM