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March 16, 2005

Those Butts

Lani, the Kirstie Alley of the Literary World...

Well, the butt obsession in my house continues. I went to pick up the kids at the sitter the other day, and the sitter said that Sweetness came up to her and complained, "My butt keeps following me around!"

The sitter looked at her, trying not to laugh, and said, "You know, I have that exact same problem!"

To which Sweetness shook her head in commiseration and said, "Those butts."

Speaking of which, I fear I'm at that time of year when the size of my own butt becomes an issue. I'm not one of those women who's too nuts about body image. I'm a curvy girl, and for the most part, that's okay. I told my class of Young Beautiful College Students that they were to always be wary of men who couldn't go bald and women who couldn't gain weight. It shows a marked lack of self-confidence, and that way lies madness. But when my curves develop their own curves, I start to get concerned.

Choppy Thought: I'm watching the Care Bears Movie right now. They're just too happy and, well, caring. I know they're for kids, but yeesh. I'm about one "All you need is a friend!" from falling into a diabetic coma. I really want to see a couple of them get into a fistfight or something. That doesn't say anything good about me, does it?

Okay, so the butt thing. I'm not gonna follow a diet, because they're just useless. Low-carb, no carb, no fat, all grapefruit, all liquid, all gastrointestinal distress all the time, blah blah blah. Nor am I going to buy the Dr. Phil book. I like the man, I really do, and I think he's right. I'm sure there are emotional reasons why I eat the way I do, but I prefer to live my life in the dark. Makes things more interesting.

So here's the plan. Simple lifestyle changes.

64 ounces of water a day. Every day. I will also need to increase the amount of toilet paper I buy by about a factor of 3. Bright side - it will remind me why I don't want to become pregnant again.

Breakfast every day. This is my biggest challenge. It's the only meal I'm not hungry for, but according to Oprah and gym teachers everywhere, it's the most important. We shall see.

Choppy Thought: Yesterday, I made the mistake of purchasing Dora The Explorer Band-Aids while shopping with Sweetness and Light. Suddenly, they're both lepers, body parts falling off and in desperate need of a Dora Band-Aid to make things right again. My favorite? Light, the 3yo, sticks out her (pristine and uninjured) middle finger and waves it in my face. "I have a boo-boo on my favorite finger!" I had to deduct ten parenting karma points when I instructed her to go to the livingroom and "show Daddy your favorite finger." But it was worth it.

Nothing after 7pm. Apparently, that little pang of hunger at night? That's your body burning fuel. You're apparently supposed to be hungry at night. The cure? Drink water. Yeah. I'll let you know how this one goes.

Choppy Thought: Apparently, nobody cares like a bear. Oh. God. Save. Me. Where's a syringe of insulin when you need it?

Add to that a No Fast Food, No Junk Food With The Exception of Chocolate Because Chocolate is Not Junk rule, and we'll see what happens. I'll add the exercise when the weather gets better. One small, jiggly-butted step at a time. Then, hopefully, by this time next year, my butt will still be following me around, but not at quite such a large distance from the rest of my body.

Wish me luck.

Stupid butt.

Posted by Lani at 8:07 AM | Comments (4)

Comments

Posted by: Amy at March 16, 2005 12:10 PM

Posted by: Wendy at March 16, 2005 9:57 PM

Posted by: Kelly at March 17, 2005 11:14 AM

Posted by: Cece at March 18, 2005 2:08 PM