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April 13, 2005

Innocence and the Soft "U"

Lani, who really really needs to get out of the house...

So, I was watching “Between the Lions” with my kids – which, if you’re not a parent, is a show for preschoolers – and they had a segment with Dr. Ruth.

Yes. That Dr. Ruth. I’m alternately pleased and horrified by this, which once again goes to show that being a Gemini does not always work for me.

I’m pleased because the same Dr. Ruth who spent most of the eighties talking about the proper use and application of manufactured vaginal lubrication has gleefully hopped out of that box and is now educating my children. Yay! There’s hope for all of us!

I’m horrified because every time I hear that voice, I’m reminded of the fact that the woman who rambled ceaselessly about the health benefits of frequent orgasm when I was a kid is now teaching my kids how to pronounce a soft “u.” Oh, God. The world is a very Scary Place.

(Bright side; out of all the words she could have used to demonstrate the soft “u” – I’ll give you a moment, use your imagination – she chose “dud.” Whew. Close one.)

And then, of course, I’m horrified that I’m horrified. It’s like a psychological house of mirrors, only instead of mirrors, it’s my mental damage reflecting endlessly on itself. And baby, it ain’t pretty.

Now, you gotta love Dr. Ruth. The woman has an instinct for self-promotion that is astounding to behold. In the eighties – when, I believe, she was in her eighties – she was everywhere. Dr. Ruth jokes were standbys. She never turned down an invitation to make fun of herself, and she never stopped talking about sex. She was a 4 foot 10 self-promotion dynamo, a German (Austrian? Bavarian? Honestly, beats the hell out of me...) whirlwind of stocky shamelessness, and God bless her. I’ve never borne witness to a less self-conscious person, and to be honest, I think the bulk of us could learn a thing or two about just being who you are, just putting it out there and who cares what people think, life’s too damn short, etcetera, etcetera.

Yet... still. There’s no denying that Dr. Ruth Wordheimer showing up on a PBS show for preschoolers is a tad... well... disturbing. She’s gotta be, what, 110 now – although, God bless her, she doesn’t look a day over 105 - and she’s teaching my kids about the soft “u” sound. Something seems wrong with the world, and I can’t put my finger on what it is. Which is ironic, since Dr. Ruth is the prime consultant for where, exactly, one should put one’s finger. But, still, it bugs me that I don’t know why it bugs me.

Is it because I’m prudish, and don’t believe a sex doctor should be teaching my little ones the basics of phonics?

Is it because I feel that taking a job – any job – that doesn’t speak to her passion... which is passion... is somehow below Dr. Ruth?

Or is it because if I’m going to be watching Dr. Ruth at 7:00 in the morning, I want her to be teaching me something, ifyouknowwhatImean?

Hmm. I think I might have just found the right place for my finger...

(Shut up, Bob.)

Posted by Lani at 7:38 AM