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April 29, 2005

Didja miss me?

From Lani... again...

Yeah, yeah, I know. How can you miss me if I won't go away?

Ba-doo-boom-chaaaaaa.

Anyway, if you're all done wise-assing for now, I have to tell you that I'm still giving away books over at my website. So, if you haven't already, go enter.

And no, I'm not just saying that because I've been here every day and have completely run out of things to talk about. I'm surprised at you. How could you think such a think? Really.

So. Um.... How are the kids?

Good. Good, that's good. And the in-laws?

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do, right? So... seen any good movies lately?

Okay. Fine. So I'm running out of stuff. But I did write something this morning, and since you're so special, I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

To Do:

1. Step away from the internet. Really.

2. Shower. Get dressed. Brush teeth.

3. Chase children around the house until they're clean, dressed, and ready to go out and run errands.

4. Have a moment of silence for what would have been naptime before they both got too big for naptime.

5. Get them in the car. Clip their belts. Tell them to stop yelling at each other. Be grateful you have a mini-van so that they can't touch each other while you're driving.

6. Practice your "What? Those kids? Those aren't my kids," look for the long line at the post office.

7. Stand in long line repeating, "Stop. Don't touch that. Stand still. Stop poking your sister," for a full fifteen minutes before realizing you left your packages on the kitchen table.

8. Drag kids kicking and screaming from the post office. Endure dirty looks of the people who think you're too rough/not rough enough with your kids. Everyone will always think one or the other. No one will ever look at you, shrug, and say, "Yeah, that's about right." Ever.

9. Go home. Leave kids in the car for the split second it takes to grab the packages from the kitchen table and return to the elderly neighbor lady standing by the car, giving you her, "I knew you were the worst mother in the universe," look.

10. Find different post office.

11. Go grocery shopping.

12. Drive home, practicing the zen mantra that will help you block out the experience of grocery shopping with two young children.

13. Pull kids from car, realize their pockets are full of candy you didn't buy, and put them back in car.

14. Take the little thieves back to the store and spend 30-45 minutes convincing the manager that they never do this.

15. Get home, realize you've forgotten the one grocery item you can't live without. (It'll probably be the milk. It's always the milk.)

16. Find a different grocery store.

17. Return home. Get kids inside. Repeat instructions ("Go inside. Take off your sneakers. Take off your coats. Hang the coats on the rack.") no less than twelve times before finally dragging them inside and doing everything yourself while elderly neighbor lady watches in severe disapproval.

18. Slam the door in elderly neighbor lady's face. Judgemental wench.

19. Feel really bad about slamming the door in neighbor lady's face as you realize that you're probalby just projecting your severe self-loathing onto her, and she probably just wanted to give you her bundt cake recipe.

20. Stop feeling bad. You're getting a headache.

21. Put away groceries. Pour a glass of water. Sit down on couch for 2.5 seconds before "I'm thirsty! I'm hungry! She touched me!" begins.

22. When Fish comes home and asks how your day was, remember to lie and say, "Great, how was yours?" and then only unload how bad your day really was later when he has the nerve to ask you to grab the remote control for him.

23. Leave Fish with the girls, go hide with the computer, and look up local doctors who perform vasectomies.

Posted by Lani at 8:10 AM