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July 18, 2005

Surrender, Lauren; or Envy: A Composite of Other Chick-Lit Writers to Create the Perfect Me

From Lauren, July's Guest Literary Chick!

OK, I do realize that’s not the greatest title I’ve ever come up with. But I couldn’t resist bastardizing one of my favorite book titles ever – Surrender, Dorothy, by Meg Wolitzer – for my nefarious purposes here and the second part was added, well, in the hopes of creating some semblance of titular accuracy.

It seems to me that every writer I’ve ever talked to is envious/jealous of another writer or group of writers over one thing or another. Maybe it’s greater review attention or a bigger advance, but everyone always looks over the fence to find someone else’s lawn looking greener. I’ve said, often, that even J.K. Rowling, wherever she is, must surely gnash her teeth about something. I mean, how dare they not do an initial print run of 50,000,000 copies of Harry Potter MCII???

So I decided that, for my own pleasure, I’d compile a list of authors who, when put together in a composite based on individual features of theirs that I wish I had, would create the perfect me. Come along for the ride with me here then, folks, and help me dream a little dream of me…

1. Michelle Cunnah – I want her hair. I know that’s a shallow place to start, but Ms. Cunnah has the hair I want. It’s perky, it’s smart-looking, it’s the kind of hair that makes people think, “I want to spend time with that woman!”

2. Julie Kenner – I want her title. I’ve always been a sucker for witty titles, witness my love of Surrender, Dorothy above. If I am jealous of any title anyone’s come up with in the last year, it’s The Givenchy Code. It’s one of those perfect titles, like The Devil Wears Prada before it, where you can picture copies of the book flying out of the store just on that alone. Of course, I could never have written this book – I know nothing about fashion and still less about codes – but I still wish I’d thought of that title first.

3. Chris Manby – I want the cover of her book, Seven Sunny Days. I love the colors and those two glasses – is that a Cosmo and a Pina Colada? – look like they’re having so much fun in the sand, it looks like they’re dancing. Even though I’m not a beach-vacation kind of gal, and even though I’m not a Cosmo/Pina girl, every time I see those two glasses on the cover, I want to go there and dance with them. Like the saying goes, “Hey, bartender, let me have one of whatever they’re having!”

4. Helen Fielding – I want her money. It’s that simple. How much did Bridget Jones net between books and movies? Never mind the ruby slippers, Dorothy, I want that money.

5. Heather Cochran, Deborah Blumenthal, Caren Lissner – I want their reviews. To be really specific, I want their People magazine reviews. All three ladies are RDI authors whose books – Mean Season, Fat Chance, Starting from Square Two, respectively – were reviewed in People magazine. RDI is also my publisher and while there may be other RDI authors’ books that have been reviewed by People, these are the ones I’ve noticed. I really haven’t wasted – much – time in my career worrying about who reviews me and who doesn’t, but the lack of a People review really rankles. This is because, back when my first book, The Thin Pink Line, came out in 2003, I came so close to a People review that I was actually sent to get new pictures taken for the magazine. Then the review never ran…and it never ran…and it never ran. I have a pet theory about this. In May, before my book came out, Ann Coulter had a new book hit the shelves, Treason, that People failed to review in a timely fashion, given the notoriety of the author. I think they bumped my book for Ann’s. So maybe I’m not bothered by Heather, Deb and Caren after all; maybe I’m just bothered by Ann.

6. Jennifer Coburn – I want one of her blurbs from Reinventing Mona. I want the blurb that says, “By turns funny and poignant, combining elements of screwball comedy with a quest to get over the past and be loved in the present, Reinventing Mona is sure to please the readers who enjoyed The Wife of Riley.” (Btw, The Wife of Riley is another favorite book title of mine, along with Surrender, Dorothy and The Givenchy Code.) OK, admission time: I wrote that blurb on Reinventing Mona. I guess maybe now I’m just wishing that someone would say something like that about me.

7. Helen Fielding – I want her name. It’s just about the most perfect name for a writer ever, a perfect balance between accessible/commercial and literary/classic. In fact, it may just be the most perfect writer name since Jane Austen. Plus, unlike my name, no one is ever confused about how to spell it or pronounce it or where to shelve it.

8. Helen Fielding – I want her ratio of books-into-movies. Motivation for this? See #4, above. Are you sensing a trend here? Is it starting to seem as though maybe I want to be Helen Fielding? Nah. I just want her money and her perfect name and her ratio of books-into-movies. That’s all. Given the Dear, Santa letters of the Trump kids, I doubt I’m asking for much in the greater scheme of things.

9. Melissa Senate – I want her history. While my first book, The Thin Pink Line, will always stand as the first hardcover RDI ever published, Melissa’s book, See Jane Date, was the first book they ever published, period. I can’t imagine a greater honor than that. (OK, maybe I can, but it’s still a pretty great honor.) It’s like being Helen of Troy or something. Melissa’s is the book that launched a thousand chicks.

10. Sarah Mlynowski – I want her smile. Have you ever seen pics of Sarah on her book jackets? Honestly, that may be the greatest smile in all of publishing. If I were still a reviewer and I saw that smile looking back at me, I’d have to be channeling the soul of Hannibal Lecter in order to say anything mean about her work. It would be like kicking Pooh and Piglet and Roo all at once. Plus, Sarah writes good books and she’s a really nice person. There’s that too.

11. Nick Hornby (my favorite Honorary Chick) – I want to have written About a Boy. It’s pretty much well the most perfect book of its kind ever written, a social satire about an often-dislikable character who does a nefarious thing and is redeemed in the end. I consider Nick to be my progenitor, for what it’s worth, more than any other author working today.

That’s really it, then! Just take the 11 authors above – OK, only 9, since I do mention poor Helen Fielding (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) three times – toss them all together in a big bag, shake and bake, and you’ll have the perfect me.

Oh, no, I’m not envious/jealous much.

Well, OK, maybe just a little.

Lauren Baratz-Logsted is the author of The Thin Pink Line and Crossing the Line. Her third novel, A Little Change of Face, will be published in July 2005. Her essay, “If Jane Austen Were Writing Today,” is collected in Flirting with Pride and Prejudice: Fresh Perspectives on the Original Chick-Lit Masterpiece, edited by Jennifer Crusie and due out from Benbella Books on September 1.

Posted by at 6:00 AM | Comments (2)

Comments

Posted by: beejay at July 19, 2005 3:30 AM

Posted by: Michelle C at July 20, 2005 3:57 AM