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October 3, 2005

Flirting with... Beth Kendrick!

It’s sad but true: I’m flirting-impaired. I’m shy, self-effacing and prone to telling long, boring stories about “cute” things my dogs have done recently. (Yes, I’m one of THOSE people.) If flirting were driving, I’d be putting around in a rusty 1973 Gremlin. Some of my friends, however, would be flooring it in their cherry red Ferraris. So without further ado, I give you:

FLIRTING WITH THE MASTERS

MADISON: I met Madison in college, when one of my boyfriends (“the Wank Biscuit”) started hitting on her and offered to buy her a shot of tequila while I was sitting right there on the barstool next to him. Madison wasn’t even flirting with him, she was just sitting around, looking the way she always looks, which is kind of like Jennifer Garner. I ended breaking up with Lord Wank-a-doo and making friends with Madison, who to this day feigns fascination with my boring dog stories.

When I called her and asked her for her flirting advice, she said: “When a guy starts talking to you, insult him with a big smile and a coy look in your eye. Be mean. Then they don’t know how to respond and presto, you’re in charge.”

Me: “Insult them? Really? That’s your story and you’re sticking to it?”

Madison: “Totally. Men love it. Talk some smack, hit them with a dazzling smile, and their brain turns to mush.”

Me: “You’re in desperate need of psychiatric intervention.”

Madison: “Maybe, but so are all these guys for liking it. Anyway, what else is going on with you? How are the dogs?”

I can vouch for the efficacy of her advice, because I have seen her in action and she has men tripping over themselves to be next in line for the Simon Cowell treatment. Maybe you have to look like Jennifer Garner to pull it off. Or maybe you just have to live in Los Angeles.

ELLIE: Ellie was my roommate for three years, and she is one of those women who can throw on a vintage Star Wars T-shirt from the 70’s, a pair of black leather pants, a fake fur leopard raincoat and eyeglasses that she doesn’t actually need and look like she’s ready to have tea with the Queen. She flirts with everybody—men, women, kittens—and they all adore her. When I first asked her for her best flirting tips, she denied having any. (LIE!) When pressed, she offered up the following:

“Find a really lame, funny excuse to initiate physical contact—challenge the guy to an arm wrestling match or just, you know, jump into the tub with him when he’s taking a bath. If you’re out with a guy and you think he might want to kiss you but you’re not totally sure, lift up your shirt and flash him some belly. Works every time.”

She would also like to add that when in doubt, you should put on a costume, as these tend to lower social inhibitions. She suggests Wonder Woman.

CORINNE: Corinne and I went to Paris together and we were pretty scared because we had heard rumors about Parisians treating Americans roughly the same way Madison treats her men. But once we got to France, everything was copacetic. No one gave us a problem; in fact, men bent over backwards to assist us in our quests to find the Eiffel Tower and the Musee d’Orsay. This is because Corinne is a veritable Ambassador of Flirting. If you yourself are planning a trip overseas, I recommend that you take her along. She’s built like a bouncy blonde cheerleader but her appeal goes beyond that. She’s bubbly, she’s happy, she actually likes talking to strangers. Can you imagine?!?

On our last night in Paris, we decided to check out the French discotheque scene but we’d been sort of hungover when we packed for the trip, so our wardrobe options were severely limited. Corinne ended up in a velvet cocktail dress, sparkly silver barrettes, and clunky black combat boots. As we sauntered in to that nightclub and every head turned to check out the cute Americaine, she gave me the mother of all flirting tips. This one has stayed with me and served me well throughout the years:

“If you’re walking right, no one’s gonna notice your shoes.”

So there you have it: be mean, break out the bulletproof bracelets and golden lasso, and walk like you mean it. Oh, and buy the Pride and Prejudice anthology, because I’m pretty sure that’s what I was supposed to be talking about in this blog entry. Oops.

BIO: Beth Kendrick is better at writing than she at flirting. Swear to God. Go read My Favorite Mistake, Exes and Ohs and the upcoming Fashionably Late and see if you don’t agree. Beth contributed the essay "Does This Petticoat Make Me Look Fat?" for Flirting With Pride and Prejudice, available in stores now from BenBella Books!

Posted by Lani at 6:00 AM | Comments (1)

Comments

Posted by: Barbara at October 3, 2005 4:48 PM