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October 5, 2005

Flirting with Zen

From Lani... ohm...

Life is insane. Kids. Work. Money. Marriage. Everywhere I look there's something else there, looking at me with a 70/30 mix of expectation and the blank certainty that I won't be able to live up to that expectation. Or maybe that's me projecting. I don't know. It's been a long time since freshman psych. Anyway, I remember when I was a kid watching some variety show and they had one of those plate spinning guys on. You know what I'm talking about? This guy.

Yeah.

That's what I feel like much of the time. Except that my plates are chipped, mismatched, and purchased on clearance. But I get that feeling most of the time, like I'm just zipping from one plate to the next, trying to keep them all spinning.

So, I've made a decision. I've decided that it's time to find my zen. It's time to stop stressing about all the things I'm doing wrong and start doing yoga or pilates or shrooms. Something.

Okay. Fine. I'm kidding about the shrooms. But still. How is a super-neurotic, raised in the northeast girl supposed to find zen? It's not like you can just go to a bar, buy it a drink, have disappointing sex and call it yours. It seems much more complicated than that. So, like most writers when faced with a question they're not sure how to answer, I went to my most trusted friend.

These are some of the results I got:

Find Your Inner Zen with this great MP3 player. This was the #1 response for "How to find your inner zen." An adver-article selling me an MP3 player. This is what I believe in zen circles is called "bullshit."

Next, is a quiz to find my IQ. Only, I didn't ask about my IQ. I asked about zen. The only connectoin I can find is in the name of the website. Zenhex. Google, babe, you're really letting me down.

Oh. And apparently I'm a genius. Too bad the quiz is, also, bullshit.

Take the quiz: "Find your IQ (pictures)"

Genius IQ 141 and above
Wow. Your IQ is 141 and above. Meaning you are smart as hell. Intelligence probably runs in your family but you are probably very modest about your intelligence and may down play it to feel like you belong. Rock ON Smart Ass!

Next comes more advertising, something for guitarists about a bass zen, and then this link for laughing librarians. Now that's just weird. Librarians shouldn't be laughing. Everyone knows that.

(Just kidding. We here at Literary Chicks luuurrrrrrrve librarians, especially the ones who read our books and recommend them to their patrons. Love. You. Guys. Laugh all you want. But the site is, and this is not the fault of librarians at all, still pretty weird, you gotta admit.)

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes. Weird search results. I have to say, though, I'm pleasantly surprised - so far, no naked girls. This is a massive surprise, as you can search on nuns doing charity work, and guaranteed there's a girl named Charity peeling off a nun's habit on the net somewhere. I am pleasantly surprised, and yet... I am still only on the first page of results. I'm sure there's a naked chick named Zen out there finding herself (shut up, Bob) somewhere.

And, crap, now that I used the phrase "naked chick" all those idiots will be clicking here. To this day, you know what the search is that brings the most people to Literary Chicks? There once was a lady from Nantucket. Is it really just teenagers on the internet? Really?

So, more MP3 player ads, more crazy librarians, etcetera, etcetera, then finally, I stumbled across this, which seems to be a Q&A with some zen master. I'll just quote a small bit here for you.

If you open your mouth, that's a mistake. Close your mouth! Put it all down means more than just saying "put it all down," okay? If you completely put it all down then there is no "I-my-me." Many people have I-my-me mind. I-my-me comes from where? From desire mind. When desire mind appears then I-my-me mind appears. I-my-me makes all of our suffering.

Um. Possibly it's been translated from a language in which it made, I don't know. Sense. Maybe. But I've read it five times and still... I got nothing. I got no zen. All I really have is a yoga mat and a deadline. So, I'm just gonna work with those and if anyone here understands what the hell the Zen Master is talking about, feel free to elucidate.

Hmmm. I have to say, I'm really thinking about that MP3 player, though...

This very loosely-themed blog was brought to you by Flirting month here on Literary Chicks! Lani contributed the essay "My Firth Love" for Flirting With Pride and Prejudice, available in stores now from BenBella Books, to which Alesia and Michelle also contributed. For more information on how you can win a copy, click here!

Posted by Lani at 9:00 AM | Comments (2)

Comments

Posted by: Darla at October 6, 2005 4:05 AM

Posted by: Amy at November 19, 2005 9:35 PM