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November 20, 2005

Confessions of a Serial Nondater

From Michelle, Gnashing Teeth in Rotterdam...

Yes, gnashing teeth because yet again, I have been technologically challenged! Who knows why computers suddenly start being all prima donnaish not doing the stuff they are supposed to do...

And yay, the other reason I've been so quiet recently is because before my computer decided to have a nervous breakdown, I was in America! Yes, again after only a month. See, the good folks at Kenneth Cole and Vogue invited me along for an event, and there would be pink drinks, and hot guys, and delicious food. So I said yes. Anyway, more about that on Thursday with pics (if my computer doesn't melt down again).

In the meantime, Lani's fab new Ex and the Single Girl had me thinking about my ex's...

So, I was a serial nondater. I did date, kind of. But much to the disappointment of my parents I spent more time NOT actually dating.

This caused some concern to my family because (a) they all tended to hook up and marry young and have babies immediately, and (b) Sheffield in the north of England was a traditional kind of city where you were expected to hook up and marry young and have babies immediately...

Well, I wanted to travel and you can't do that so easily if (a) you have hooked up young and married young and (b) are busy producing babies...

But when I did date, I usually had one or two or three dates with the guy in question and then I'd finish with him, to the complete despair of my mother. These are the conversations I used to have with my mother...

On the occasion I finished with Boy A

Mum: "Boy A seems lovely. I can't believe you finished with him so quickly. You only went out with him once. Why didn't you give him a bit more of a chance? Love doesn't grow overnight, you know.

Me (aged 11): But he wanted to kiss me. You know, um, with tongues, Mum. Euck!"

A while later, when I finished with Boy D

Mum: "But Boy D seemed so lovely. And he's doing well in school, and he's already one of your best friends."

Me: "Yes, Mum, the best friend thing is a bit of a problem. You know, kissing him felt a bit, well, like incest. Sorry Mum - it's too icky to even think about, you know, sparks."

A while later, when I finished with Boy R

Mum: "But Boy R seemed so perfect for you. He's intellingent - he must be if he's trying to get into Oxford University, and he's very, you know, moral."

Me (sighing): "He wants to be a vicar, Mother. I mean, vicaring is all well and good, and serving God is great if that's what you want to do, but...I just can't see me being a vicar's wife and doing the church flowers every Sunday and arranging the church coffee mornings and stuff. Really, Mum, it's just not me. Besides, there were no sparks."

A while later, when I finish with Boy T

Mum: "I just don't understand you, Michelle. Boy T is lovely. He's got a good steady job at the toilet roll factory, and great managerial prospects.

Me: "Okay, it's the no sparks issue. I just can't see it GOING anywhere."

Mum: "But you never give them the chance. You know, love doesn't just spring up overnight. You have to work on a relationship."

A while later, when I finish with Boy V

Mum: "I really liked Boy V."

Me (sighing): "Me, too."

Mum: "But why couldn't you have given him a chance. You really seemed to like this one."

Me (sighing some more): "Yes, I really like Boy V, but he wants to be a farmer. Mum, do you really see me as a farmer's wife?"

Actually Boy V was really lovely. But you see, after just one or two dates I knew I could be in trouble because I liked him so much. But I was also scared that if it went any further, I'd end up (a) married young, (b) having babies, and (c) getting up at some ungodly hour of the morning to do whatever the hell it is farmer's wives do. I mean, I'm a CITY girl...

After Boy V, my mother decided that it was time to take the bull by the horns.

Mum: "Michelle, um, I need to ask you something."

Me (puzzled): "Okay. Bring it on."

Mum: "Well, it's just that we think that you might be either (a) frigid,...

Me: "Nope, definitely not frigid. What's my other option?"

Mum (looking very embarrassed): "Michelle, um..."

Me (encouragingly):" Yes?"

Mum: "Um, are you one of those, you know, lesbians?"

Me (blushing): "No, Mum. I mean, being a lesbian is all fine and good for those who are, you know, lesbians. Mum, I just don't want to get tied down. I just want to travel."

Mum: "Well, if you're sure..."

Me: "If I become a lesbian I promise you, you'll be the first to know."

Mum: "But. You're nineteen. That's practically an old maid."

Gah.

My family was distraught when I moved to London (I wasn't married - how could I leave home without a man to protect me? Especially as I was, gulp, moving to the Big Bad City.) But they threw a huge party when I met and moved in with Oh Patient One...

Michelle

This blog was brought to you by Ex and The Single Girl, Lani's newest
release about what family that won't mind their own business, exes that
won't go away, and the true love that gets caught in-between.

Posted by Michelle at 12:38 PM | Comments (2)

Comments

Posted by: ZaZa at November 20, 2005 9:19 PM

Posted by: Jennifer the Chaos Queen at November 20, 2005 11:08 PM