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December 20, 2005
This space for rent
From Alesia, sick to DEATH of spam
I’m sad to announce that I will no longer be part of the Literary Chicks blog, even though it has been a truly wonderful and amazing experience.
You see, I’ve won the Nigerian Lotto. All I have to do is send my $5000.00 to a widow who has seven hungry children to support [including at least four with very rare illnesses], and she will pay the necessary fees and send me the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS that everybody else is too much of a FOOL to claim!!!
So, I’m to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, which means, frankly, that I don’t need this gig.
I’ll also be joining the FBI. Or the CIA. They’re DESPERATE to get me.
Because the FBI and CIA send me personal e-mails all the time, detailing the ways in which signing me as an agent will save the ENTIRE COUNTRY, POSSIBLY THE ENTIRE WORLD from utter destruction. And I can pay the small fees out of my lottery winnings.
But I may be a tad tired out, because I’m also using my winnings to buy a case or two of #VIAGRA% and CIALI$. It’s handy to have around, don’t you know? But if we run out, that’s okay, because I’ll be able to afford those DISHWASHER-SAFE blown glass sex toys. [Because, really, there’s nothing gross and revolting about washing sex toys in the dishwasher with your SILVERWARE, right??]
Plus, I’ll be trim and thin because every woman needs a few dozen boxes of HOODI@. Those are on the way, too.
Not that any of it matters to me, because I have several hundred HOT STOCK TIPS to wade through. It only makes sense to invest my lottery winnings wisely. I don’t want to be a FOOL like all those poor idiots who passed on the opportunity. If only they’d read those e-mails . . .
Hugs,
Alesia
p.s. Please weigh in with your vote for most annoying variety of spam!!
Posted by Alesia at 8:51 AM | Comments (14)
Comments
I'm so sorry, Alesia, that you have not received the same offers as *I* have.
I am soon to have a newly enlarged peni$ which will enhance my $ex life (as well as other parts of my life, I suppose, as there IS that benefit of, you know, being able to stand up to take care of business, something all of us women covet).
Oh, and I suppose I shouldn't worry about writing anymore, because once I sign this e-mail petition and it gets back in Bill Gates' mailbox, he'll be sharing some of his billions with me, which I'm sure will afford me far more luxury than my writing ever would. And if that doesn't work out, there's always that Applebee's gift certificate I'm going to get for signing THEIR petition. :-)
Shannon McKelden
Posted by: Shannon at December 20, 2005 10:32 AM
Shannon - that's AMAZING!!!!! But I'm way too calm and relaxed to be envious of your Bill Gates money, because I have my e-mail-order of XANA%X, VAL!UM, and PROZ@C all handy . . .
alesia, chilling
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 20, 2005 10:42 AM
The lottery winning spam is my greatest gripe.
Posted by: Estella at December 20, 2005 3:20 PM
You know, the lottery is a bad one, but my biggest problem is with the one where somebody purporting to be a widow with eighty kids to feed is writing me about her husband's death and how they'll all be cast out into the snow (or desert, or whatever) if I don't send money. A teensy part of me worries every time that I really am refusing to send money to a poor widow and orphas. Except, then I wonder how she managed to get computer access. And my address. And . . . anyway, the lottery winners are easier to delete.
Alesia, who is seriously NOT soft-headed (just maybe a teensy bit soft-hearted)
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 20, 2005 4:51 PM
AARGHHH!! Just in time for today's blog, I also won the LOTTERY in HOLLAND!!! Michelle can go pick up my winnings in person!!! Here's the announcement:
The National Lottery
Suite 179 1007
West/Zuld, L70 1NL
Zwolle Holland
(Customer Services)
Ref: DEUK/9383/8161/99
Batch: GI/SE12-59
Government Accredited Licensed lottery promoters.
International Promotions/Prize Award Department
Login to http://lottery.co.uk/res
We are please to announce you as one of the 10 lucky winners in the
national lottery held on the 13th December, 2005. All 10 winning addresses
were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international emails. Your
email address emerged alongside 9 others as a category 2 winner in this year
national lotto game draw
Consequently, you have therefore been approved for a total pay out of
£1,000,000 Dollars (one million pounds sterlings) only. In order to avoid
unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference
number and batch numbers:
1, Batch 7499-4206-5876
2, Ref: 739801527-Nll
3, lucky numbers 94-1-537-97-31-809
Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European
booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In
view of this, your £1,000,000 would be released to you by any of our
payment offices in Europe.
To file for your claim, please contact
Advocate Patrick cox
Telephone number +31 -6100- 234 82
Fax: +31-847-545-681
Email: bejesbejesnl@netscape.net
Bejes law & Associates
This will enable the office of bejes & asscociates to send the claims
application form (A4) to you the Beneficiary.you can confirm your winnings
when you LOGIN TO http://lottery.co.uk/res
For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information
confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to
you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize. This is part
of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted
abuse of this program. Please be warned. Remember, all winnings must be
claim not later than Decmeber 18th, 2005, after this date, unclaimed funds
will be returned to the national Lotto
Good luck from me and members of staff of the NATIONAL LOTTERY.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs Maria Rooney
Online coordinator for THE NATIONAL LOTTERY
Sweepstakes International Program.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 20, 2005 4:54 PM
Oh, Michelle, please hurry and get Alesia her winnings - I am sure she will pay for your car and driver (since you have such great luck on ublic transit) and probably lunch at that swanky place, too!! Hurry.
The best I get is the opportunity for a Christian mortgage. Is that rate better than a conventional one? Are there more points? Can someone explain points without poking me? Can't even get a Christian date anymore. Someone must have squealed on the whole being (happily) married thing. *rats*
Posted by: Ellen at December 20, 2005 6:28 PM
>>The best I get is the opportunity for a Christian mortgage. Is that rate better than a conventional one?<<
No, but maybe God watches over your house? I'm thinking that's worth extra points . . .
Alesia, who is a humor writer and not being blasphemous AT all, so please address all complaints to ComplaintDept@literarychicks.com and we'll respond ASAP. Seriously.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 20, 2005 7:34 PM
Clearly the NEWS is OUT about my new wealth. I've received multiple offers to buy land in Costa Rica at ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES just this evening . . .
Alesia
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 20, 2005 7:36 PM
Darn, you mean all those lottos all over the world that I've won I'm going to have to share with you? Between all those credit cards and mortgages I've been approved for, plus all the meds and viagra and weight loss meds, and all the dates I'll have I think I might need every bit of the lotto winnings! LOL
Posted by: TeresaH at December 21, 2005 4:03 AM
Well, I don't have the TIME for any of these wonderful opportunities, because I can buy roLEX WATCHES for 1/4 of the original price with all the money I can make on my UNDISCOVERED sTOcK. Thank goodness I discovered it in time. I'm sure Bill Gates will be happy to hear that someone is selling his software at rock-bottom prices. And it's always comforting to know that dozens of sex addicts live only minutes from me. I wonder if they are interested in any hot sToCK?
Posted by: CJ at December 21, 2005 1:20 PM
CJ/Sam!!! So good to see you! Loved your 12 favorite things about Christmas. You MUST live near me, because those dozens of sex addicts are IN MY VERY NEIGHBORHOOD! I think they live near the frustrated housewives . . .
Alesia
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 21, 2005 2:12 PM
Oh, and don't forget -- if the holidays stress you out, I have tons of of cHe@p LIceNSed dru gs on the way!!
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 21, 2005 2:14 PM
Thank you for stopping by my blog, Alesia! I'm glad you enjoyed my countdown. It was so much fun to write. I never realized how truly obsessed I was. In fact -- uh-oh, gotta go. The FBI is tracking my IP Address. Darn, am I on an illegal website again?????
Posted by: CJ/Sam at December 21, 2005 2:58 PM
Oh, don't worry, CJ. I'm soon to be an FBI agent, so I can fix all that for you.
But I have to go now - my order of
ORIGINAL FRESH RUSSIAN, IRANIAN, AND AMERICAN CAVIAR Plus Black Winter Truffles and Russian blinis just arrived.
A., glad she has the Hoodi@
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 21, 2005 4:21 PM
