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February 11, 2006
But... You Have a Cat...
I pity the poor fool that manages the apartment I rent. I pity the fool
Hi. Sorry. I don't know why the channeling of Mr. T there. Like tattoos and all-night-benders (which often precede the tattoos) it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, and before I get started today, I want to let y'all know that I've finally updated my website! Yay! And the first excerpt of my May release, The Comeback Kiss, is up! Yay! And there's another excerpt coming soon! Yay!
Sorry. Considering the fact that "Meet me in Reno, July 2005!" has been on my events page since last April... this is a big deal. Hee hee.
But that's not why I'm here today. I mean, shameless self-promotion is why I'm here, of course, but it's not what I came here to talk about.
I'm here to talk about the toy mouse... that wasn't.
In 1996, I was single and living in Syracuse and engaging in a string of what would turn out to be really poor dating scenarios. Not that they were bad guys, per se. They just weren't the guy for me. Little did I know that the man I was to someday marry and procreate with was back in Arizona, where I'd left him the year before. Yeah, "oops" doesn't exactly cover that. But, hey, it all turned out well, so let's move on.
Anyway, during these single years, I thought it made sense to get a cat. Companionship. Something to care for. And if I ended up alone for the rest of my life, there'd be someone to get drunk and watch depressive doomed-relationship movies with. I did have a roommate, but she had a boyfriend she didn't want to be "technically" living with, so they were at our place every even day, his place every odd day. I was for all intents and purposes living alone half the time, and a cat seemed like the perfect answer. So I went down to the Humane Society looking for a cute, short-hair calico kitten and came home with a black, fluffy cat that crawled on my shoulders and licked my face when I got there. I named her Dashwood. She was lazy, laid back, and let me drape her over my shoulders while I did the dishes.
It was instant love. Just add cat.
So, anyway, let's fast-forward a few months. It's early. Say, six o'clock. Just about time to get up and start getting ready for work. My eyes are closed, but I'm starting to wake up. I feel the familiar soft plunk-plunk-plunk of Dashwood hopping onto my bed to say "Good morning. Feed me." I hear another plunk, right on my pillow by my head and I turn to look.
"Ohhhh," I think sleepily. "How cute. Dash just gave me her gray toy mouse. Boy, it looks real. When did I buy her a toy mouse? Was it the day I got her collar with the...? No. No. NO. I NEVER GOT HER A TOY MOUSE."
I shoot up in bed, screaming. I grab my pillow and wing it across the room, where it thumps down into the corner, presumably on top of the toy mouse that wasn't. I have my hand over my heart, which is thumping wildly in my chest, and poor Dash is sitting on the foot of my bed, staring at me as if to say, "See if I ever bring you anything again, you ungrateful bitch. Do you know how long I had to hold its little gray head in the iron vise of my jaws while kicking the life out of it with my back paws? You think Jane Fonda is hard? Try killing a mouse for a while, okay? Then we'll talk abs of steel. Jeez."
Now, of course, it's an odd day, so I'm in the apartment by myself. No roommate's boyfriend to run to screaming. No Harvey Keitel to clean up the wetwork. I am forced to deal on my own, which I do by talking myself through it, running a vocal narrative to keep myself sane as I handle the situation.
"Okay. Okay. Just gonna get some paper towels. Okay. Got enough paper towels to alarm an environmentalist. Okay. Okay. Just gonna walk over, lift up the pillow OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD it's so dead. Okay. Good thing. If it was running around, that would be worse. Okay. Okay. Just... pick... it... up... with... the... paper...... ACK ACK ACK I HAVE IT I HAVE IT BATHROOM BATHROOM BATHROOM!!!"
Fluuuuuuuuuuush.
Note: No, I didn't flush the paper towels. Just the mouse. Which isn't much better but I was a young woman alone in a harrowing situation. What would you have done?
Fast-forward to later in my day, while I'm at work. I've been calling my building super like a thousand times, waiting for a call back. I've been sharing the "toy mouse that wasn't" story with everyone, which is a lot of everyones, because I worked in an edit lab at Syracuse University and there was a lot of traffic. Students, faculty, other staff. Everyone heard the story. Finally, the super calls me back, and it goes a little something like this:
S: Yeah, uh. Lannie?
L: No. Lani. Like Bonnie, but with an L and spelled different. But that's not what's important. What's important is that my cat left a mouse in my bed this morning... (pause to shudder) ... and she's an indoor cat, like totally indoor, which means there was a mouse in my apartment. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
S: (pause) That you had a mouse in your apartment?
L: Yes!! That's it exactly!!! I had a mouse in my apartment.
S: (very obviously trying not to laugh; he was a very nice super, by the way) Well. See. Here's the thing. It's spring, and sometimes, yes, mice do get in the building. You've lived here how long?
L: About a year.
S: And this was the only mouse?
L: OH, GOD, YES!!! WHAT, DO YOU THINK THERE ARE MORE?
S: No. No, ma'am. What I'm saying is that this is something of an isolated event. It does happen, but it's very rare, and--
L: Okay. Okay. So what do we do now? I mean, to be proactive? Rat poison? Little snappy necky things with cheese? Electric shock plates around the apartment, like little mousy aversion therapy? Because, see, I'm freaking out as it is, but if I pour out my Cheerios one day and there's Mickey asking me if I happen to have some brie, you're gonna have a full-fledged psychological event brewing here. You understand what I'm saying?
S: (long pause) Well. Yes. I do understand... but...
L: But what? What?
S: Well... you have a cat.
L:
S: Um. Okay. Poison, mouse traps - I mean, snappy-necky things - those are effective. And electro-shock aversion therapy - haven't really heard of that, but I imagine it'd be expensive. But really, there's one method of getting rid of mice that's really effective and... well, you've already got it.
L: Oh. So, what you're saying is that you guys already have snappy-necky things in the building, but this little guy just happened to get around it?
S: (speaking very slowly) No. No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, you have a cat.
L: Yeah. I know. (pause) So... what? No snappy-necky things?
S: You have. A cat. And from what you described, it seems to me she handled the situation pretty well for you, with the exception of... you know... the pillow thing. I can see how that would be disturbing but... you have a cat.
L:
S: So... you know. Call me if you have another incident, but I really doubt you will. Thanks so much.
And that was the end of that conversation. As it turns out, we didn't have another incident, that I knew of, anyway. Dash never gave me another "gift," aside from her companionship and lazy snuggles for the next eight years. And the super... well, I believe he's in construction now. Some jobs just don't pay enough. Especially when they involve dealing with me.
This blog was brought to you by Monkey Love, Brenda Scott Royce’s hilarious debut novel about love, odd jobs and odder pets.
Posted by Lani at 7:23 AM | Comments (5)
Comments
LOL, Lani - I had a landlord just like that :-)
Years ago, when I lived in an attic in Shepherd's Bush, the house was invaded by a whole colony of mice. I'm not afraid of them generally, but it's not very nice finding those little prezzies the mice leave everywhere!
Let's just say the landlord wasn't very helpful and in the end the environmental health people installed little pots of delicious-tasting-to-mice poison in the attic apartment - euck!
I could have done with a Dashwood or a Freddie way back then...
Michelle :-)
Posted by: Michelle C at February 11, 2006 1:57 PM
OMG. I've been saying your name wrong for HOW LONG? *blush*
I finally figured out Alesia's. Now yours. Anyone else with pronunciation secrets??
Posted by: Amy at February 11, 2006 6:39 PM
When dh and I first started dating, I lived in a cute little 2 bedroom in the downtown area with 3 cats--Wacey, Murray, and Ananda. One morning I was in the bathroom and I heard something behind me. Turning around, I discovered that there was a RAT climbing up the shower curtain! I think the scream that emanated from my mouth was probably heard on Mars!! LOL! Of course the darn thing dropped down and darted into the spare bedroom which was full of boxes and whatnot. I think one of the funniest things I have ever seen was the sight of my future dh standing on the coffee table, shovel in hand, while looking frantically all around the room shouting "where is it?! Where is it?!" I, meanwhile, was on the floor with a broom--hmmm, does any one else see something wrong with this picture?!! To make a long story short, we were leaving for the weekend so I made sure that every door and cupboard was open before we left and upon our return we were rewarded with the dead remains of said rat laying on the floor in my bedroom. Can't say it was a great gift, but I did appreciate the gesture! The cats got a BIG bowl of tuna as a reward!!
Posted by: Sheri at February 11, 2006 8:05 PM
Oh my gosh, Lani, I think I'd die if I woke up to a mouse on my pillow! My former feline, Gizmo the Vicious Attack Cat, was adept at mauling humans but was pathetically afraid of mice. When I saw one scurry across the bedroom of my NYC apartment, I jumped on the bed, so did Gizmo. So I pushed him off the bed in the direction the mouse had run, thinking he'd follow, but he kept jumping back on the bed to cower behind me. I kept telling him cats are supposed to kill mice. Apparently he didn't get the memo.
Posted by: Brenda at February 11, 2006 9:09 PM
Ooo, I can relate, Lani! My sweet white mama cat showed her kickass side when she laid a black snake at the back door. It. Wasn't. Quite. Dead. Talk about freak attack...
Posted by: Jan at February 12, 2006 10:26 AM
