« Surefire tips for a blissful love life | Main | I'm not that innocent »

February 15, 2006

Is That a Barnacle in Your Pocket...?

From Brenda, February’s Guest Literary Chick

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share some scintillating facts I've learned over the years working with, researching, and writing about animals.

Let's start with some deep-sea trivia you won't learn from SpongeBob: A barnacle's penis is about 10 times its body height. Ten times. That's the largest penis-to-body size ratio in the animal kingdom. Now you know why barnacles don't get around much.

Could you imagine if human males had the equivalent? First of all, ouch. Secondly, after the initial novelty wore off, it'd be impossible to get a guy up off the couch to do anything. "Sorry, hon, I can't mow the lawn, I injured my back carrying around my enormous 60-foot penis." This must be why, after a brief, free-floating larval stage, barnacles attach themselves to a fixed object (like a boat bottom, dock, or fellow sea creature) and live a sedentary life. Their dating pool is thus limited to immediate neighbors. I like my neighbors, but I'm really glad I could look farther afield when choosing a mate.

We’ve all heard about how the female praying mantis will kill and eat her mate right after (or sometimes during) sex. Turns out, sex is more pleasurable for the female if she bites her mate’s head off during the act, since losing his brain releases his inhibitions. (Fear of post-coital decapitation would hamper a male’s performance in any species, I would think.) Now we know what male mantises are praying about.

Of course, Valentine’s Day isn’t just about sex … It’s also about presents. And gift-giving isn’t a uniquely human endeavor. Many animals reward gift-bearing suitors with sex. Female penguins, even those in seemingly monogamous relationships, will mate with males who bring them big, shiny rocks. (Some human females will do this too, for the right kind of rock.)

I’ve gotten some pretty cheesy Valentine’s Day gifts in my life. The least romantic was a coffee mug, still in a Walmart bag with the receipt, which my then-boyfriend thrust at me saying, “Um, here, happy … whatever.” But hey, even a cheap mug is better than a rotting corpse, which is what male “burying” beetles use to woo their mates. The boy beetle locates the carcass of a bird or rodent (the bigger, the better), then emits pheromones to attract a mate (if striking a jaunty pose atop a dead rat isn’t sexy enough). In this case, the “gift” isn’t actually for the female; it’s food for their future offspring. The couple seals themselves in a burial chamber with the deceased, they mate, and the female lays her eggs in a nearby tunnel. When the babies are born, their first meal is already decomposing in the next room.

I used to hate Valentine’s Day, but since getting married to a very romantic guy, it’s become one of my favorite days of the year. My husband not only always remembers Valentine’s Day, he can also be counted on to give me a gift that is neither a coffee mug nor a rotting corpse. For that I am thankful.

I’m also really, really glad he’s not a barnacle.

Posted by at 7:30 AM | Comments (3)

Comments

Posted by: Sheri at February 15, 2006 9:16 PM

Posted by: Michelle C at February 17, 2006 8:26 AM

Posted by: Alesia Holliday at February 17, 2006 7:58 PM