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February 18, 2006
Maybe This is Why All Our Visitors Stay at Hotels...
If lazy were a blog, this is what it would look like...
Hello, all. I'm on deadline, and THISCLOSE to being done, done, done, so I'm gonna let the kids write my blog this week. Which doesn't mean they're going to be physically typing the words. That'll come in a few years. No, I'm just going to give you little snippets of actual conversations that have happened in my house this week. Here's the cast of characters:
FISH. Husband. 33 years old. Blonde hair, going increasingly gray, which he blames on me. Irreverent sense of humor. What we in the industry term a "writing widow," meaning that when I'm under deadline, he's basically on his own.
SWEETNESS. Daughter The First. 6 years old. Blonde hair. Irreverent sense of humor. Likes poop jokes and cheesy crackers.
LIGHT. Daughter the Second. 4 years old. Brown hair. Irreverent sense of humor. Likes to walk around the house with no pants on.
LANI. Well. You know.
Without further ado...
INT. RICH FAMILY BATHROOM. DAY.
LANI is... well. It's a bathroom. Use your imagination. BOOM! Door flies open. Lani screams.
LANI: Hey! Privacy!
LIGHT: I want to take a bath.
LANI: Okay. I'll draw you a bath. In a minute. Bye.
LIGHT: I want the water warm.
LANI: Warm water. Check. Bye.
LIGHT: Not hot.
LANI: Got it. Not hot. Bye.
LIGHT: Because if it's hot, then I'll get in it, and I'll cry. And my skin will come off.
LANI:
LIGHT: And there will be blood everywhere.
LANI: My God, you're a morbid kid. Bye.
LIGHT: (running off to the bedroom, leaving the bathroom door wide open) Mommy says I'm a morbid kid! Mommy says I'm a morbid kid! (pause) What's a morbid kid?
INT. RICH FAMILY LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.
Entire family is assembled in the living room. The TWO GIRLS are crawling all over LANI, who is trying to protect her internal organs from battling bony limbs without looking like she doesn't enjoy the affection of her children as they try to outdo each other. FISH watches in amusement.
SWEETNESS: When I grow up, I want to be a writer, like Mommy.
LANI: Awwww. Ow!
LIGHT: When I grow up, I want to be a present-giver.
LANI: Awwww. Ow!
SWEETNESS: And I'm going to put words in the computer!
LIGHT: And I'm going to be careful with the scissors!
INT. RICH FAMILY DINING ROOM. CRACK OF FREAKIN' DAWN.
LANI is standing in the kitchen, one eye open, staring at THE GIRLS.
LANI: What do you want for breakfast?
SWEETNESS: Poop waffles! (breaks into hysterical laughter)
LANI: I'm not making waffles. Kix or Cheerios?
SWEETNESS: Poop-eee-ohs! (more hysterical laughter)
LANI:
SWEETNESS: Kix Poops! (again, with the hysteria)
LANI: Light, what do you want?
LIGHT: Plain Cheerios. Please.
FISH: (yelling from the bedroom) Honey, I'll pay you a million dollars if you bring me some coffee!
SWEETNESS: Pee coffee! Coff-pee!
LIGHT: Don't put pee in Daddy's coffee!
So... what's been heard around your house this week?
Posted by Lani at 6:00 AM | Comments (7)
Comments
Navy Guy took Princess and Science Boy to PA this weekend to see his Mom for her birthday, and I stayed here to finish the book that Will Not Die. Grandma has a house with an enormous yard, way out in the country.
IN THE CAR:
Princess: How are we driving to Grandma's?
Me: You're not driving. I've told you a few times that you're going on an airplane.
Princess: How are we driving to Grandma's?
Me: [impatient] You're TAKING a PLANE.
Princess: But how are we driving to Grandma's from the airport?
Me: Oh. Daddy is renting a car.
Princess: But how are we driving to Grandma's from the airport?
Me: [taking huge breath] Daddy is RENTING a CAR and driving you there.
Princess: But MOMMY, there are NO ROADS in Pennsylvania. Only GRASS. You're not allowed to drive on the grass.
Me: ......................................
In the bath, the night before they leave:
Princess: When are we moving to China?
Me: Um, we're not moving to China?
Princess: Why not? We like Chinese food.
Science Boy, from the hallway: It's daytime in China right now. If we move there, we could sleep during the day and stay up all night.
Me: ....................................
Good LUCK on finishing the book, Lani - hopefully we can both celebrate next week together.
hugs,
Alesia
Posted by: Alesia Holliday ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 18, 2006 8:14 AM
LMAO!
Posted by: May at February 18, 2006 8:43 AM
ROFLMAO!! I have nothing to add except Sweetness and Light could be MY daughters at those ages! I can SO relate to the bathroom--privacy doesn't exist anymore once you are a mom! My daughters are Velcro and Clingon, by the way--my cousin named them years ago and unfortunately the names still fit--they STILL have to sit in my lap or lay in my bed with me and they are 12 and 14!!
Posted by: Sheri at February 18, 2006 11:12 AM
ME: That movie we just watched had way more sex in it than I realized. It was really inappropriate.
THING TWO: Yeah. And the one I watched yesterday at my friend's house had a lot of stuff about drugs in it. Maybe we can watch something with a lot of violence in it tomorrow night.
ME: I honestly never know whether to laugh or cry.
Posted by: Eileen at February 19, 2006 8:53 PM
Lani! So funny. I need to get me some of those kid-things.
Is 45 too late?
Anyway, you made me laugh out loud. Always a good thing.
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel Hauck at February 19, 2006 10:54 PM
LOL, Lani!
When my niece was staying with me she loaded a well-known IM program onto my computer so she could chat with her friends, but we've had a lot of trouble getting rid of the bloody program despite the fact that we deleted it. So this is a conversation that took place in my office this week:
My New Firewall (on my computer, so it typed at me rather than spoke): "Bleh IM Program #1 is attempting to load itself into your Startup Menu. Permission given, Y/N?"
Me (rather loudly): "Bloody stupid Bleh Instant Messager #1! I have deleted you, Oh Patient One has rooted you out, too, you are no longer ON my computer, no you may NOT load yourself into my Startup menu!" And then I hit the "N" option.
I mean, if the program is deleted, how come the bloody thing is still lurking on my computer?
Later that day when I rebooted...
My New Firewall: "Bleh IM Program #1, Bleh IM Program #2 and Bleh IM Program #3 are attempting to load into your Startup Menu. Permission granted, Y/N?"
Me (to self, in bewilderment): "Where the hell did Bleh IM #2 and Bleh IM #3 come from?"
Next time I rebooted my computer...
My New Firewall: "Bleh IM Program #1 wants to access the Internet. Permission granted, Y/N?"
Me: "Bloody stupid bastard Bleh IM Program. No, I do NOT WANT YOU TO ACCESS THE INTERNET BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ON MY COMPUTER!"
But at least the Firewall stops the bloody program from just loading at will into my Startup menu, thereby slowing down the computer for a about five mintues.
One small step at a time, I guess!
Posted by: Michelle C at February 20, 2006 7:54 AM
#1 son calls me after he gets home from school one day last week and says, "Mom, Ham chased Rowdy and was hunching on him." (Hamlet being the cat who is at this moment at the vet getting his stuff fixed which has been a source of many ribald comments from my boys all week long - they're 10 and 12. you can only immagine.).
(Insert loud young-boy laughter here).
Moi, sighing, "I know honey, he tried it this morning too."
And an assortment of variations on the theme "Hamlet's a horny beast."
Posted by: Cee Cee at February 20, 2006 10:30 AM
