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March 8, 2006
Friends Are Like Elevator Buttons
and the bad ones go down to the basement
When Alesia mentioned her theme week had to do with crimes and felons, I thought, "Woo hoo, open season for moi." As a mystery writer, that's familiar turf. So I figured it would be more fun to stray a little, come up with a good angle on "bad guys," and I think I found it.
I read a quote in the society column of the Park Cities People newspaper recently (the PCP is my main research tool for what the social set is doing in Highland Park, the tres upscale area where the Debutante Dropout's mother, Cissy, lives).
"Friends are like elevator buttons," a Big D socialite commented. "Some take you up, and some bring you down."
Though, like my protagonist Andy Kendricks, I'm prone to disagreeing with most opinions stated by snooty-patooties, I have to concur with this one.
Friends are exactly like that.
Call me slow, but I've only just realized in the past year or so that there are many levels of friendships, sort of like the terror alert levels, ranging from true-blue to barely-there pink.
It's the true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool, honest-to-God pals who bring you up. Always. They're quick to congratulate when life goes well. They don't hesitate to lend a hand when you need one, even if you didn't ask. Good buddies will tell you the truth, but they don't criticize. They support you, watch your back, and back you up. If they tell a little white lie, it's only to protect you. And you never have to worry about a knife in your back.
Bad friends--what I've been told Dr. Phil calls "poisonous people"--on the other hand, will take you down as fast as a speeding Mack truck.
They're the ones who are slow to congratulate, if they ever do. They always manage to find fault, because nothing you do will ever be enough. While others applaud, they feign smiles, ever-eager to slip you a snarky remark that leaves you wondering what exactly they meant. (Note to self: what they meant is they resent you and they're mean, so let it go.)
Bad friends are often worse than enemies, because they don't come out and say, "I really ain't all that crazy about you, girl." Their methods of sabotage are far more subtle. They crave the chance to make you look bad in front of others, cut you down when you least expect it, whisper innuendo behind your back.
You'd think it would be easy to separate the two, right? That it would be a simple thing to compartmentalize, putting the "good" people in this box and the "bad" people over there.
Except it's not (at least, for me).
If you're a trusting human being, you often don't see that the elevator button you're pushing is taking you down until it's too late. You want to believe, to cling to whatever goodness you saw in the first place. You ignore all the warning signs, even if other people are practically screaming, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!"
In the end, the bad ones sear your soul like burned rubber and leave you questioning yourself and your judgment. Why didn't I see that coming? How could I have missed the signals? What's wrong with me that I placed my trust in this person?
Life is too short to waste on those who make us feel bad about ourselves, who beat us up when we only try to help, who are precisely like the elevator button taking us down to the basement.
One true-blue friend who makes you smile, who gives you a boost when you need it, who lifts you up and realizes relationships aren't competitions--that's pure gold. I treasure my soul sisters, and I hope they feel the same about me. I hope I'm that kind of friend.
It's too bad people don't come with labels. I wouldn't mind knowing upfront who my enemies are. Even a polite, "I hope you fall on your ass," would be helpful. It's a lot worse when you have to find out the hard way.
Here's toasting those elevator buttons that take us to the top floor! (And here's toasting Alesia's BLONDES HAVE MORE FELONS, which is murderously good fun!)
Cheers!
Susan
This blog was brought to you by Blondes Have More Felons, Alesia's first December Vaughn Mystery--there's nothing like December in Florida!
Posted by at 7:18 AM | Comments (10)
Comments
Great blog, Susan!! The most insidious, to me, are in a category I call "emotional vampires." These are the hardest to spot, because they are totally and completely there for you, 1000%, when things are going badly. They offer support, sympathy, and encouragement.
But the second things start going well in your life - OOPS! Where did they go? They don't want to hear your good news. They're jealous of your accomplishments. I finally realized that when I was hesitating to pick up the phone to call certain friends to tell them about a new book deal, or my RITA finals, well . . . let's just say it was an eye opener. LOVE the color-coding concept!! :)
hugs,
Alesia
Posted by: Alesia Holliday ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 8, 2006 8:49 AM
I've never been the kind of person to run to others with my problems--I am the one others run TO with THEIR problems--so it is always a revelation to me when I am down that I have friends I never even realized I had. I mean, the kind of friends who offer me money because I'm not working at the moment (long story, may blog it soon) or who are calling me up offering me whatever I need to get through this bad spell in my life. It is eye-opening, to say the least! I can also relate to the people who smile at your face but have a dagger hidden behind their back at the same time! I know people like that, unfortunately, and you just have to seperate yourself from them as much as you can, unless they are relatives (mine are!). Then you just have to make sure you have on some good body armour whenever they come around!! You know what they say--friends may come and friends may go but family stays forever...damn it! *grin*
Posted by: Sheri at March 8, 2006 9:42 AM
I'm concerned that I may cover the rainbow in friendships with others. I know that I am true blue for 4 or 5 people and other intesities of blue for a lot more. But do I myself drift into the lavenders and pinks? I think I do. I'm thinking of one friend who is needy, and I try to be there for her, but sometimes I am glad that I've moved across the country (although that also means that I'm across the country with my blue buds).
So I'm not going to think about how others are friends to me unless I am dead sure that I'm being all the friend I can be to others.
Posted by: hollygee at March 8, 2006 9:52 AM
I nodding my head in agreement as I read this, Susan. A pubbed friend warned me long ago to watch out for toxic friends. I didn't know exactly what she meant at the time, but I sure as hell learned fast! I'll take my few very good friends any day over a bunch of backstabbers. :)
Posted by: Jan at March 8, 2006 11:26 AM
Oh, those basement button friends. They tend to hold onto you with hooks that are set pretty deep, too. I know exactly what you mean about people not wanting to celebrate your accomplishments, too, Alesia.
That said, my most recent crop of friends are all distinctly up buttons. Maybe I finally figured out the color-coding after turning 40.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at March 8, 2006 11:38 AM
Unfortunately, it's not just friends that fall into that category. TONS of family members can be "poisonous people"...it takes a lot longer to recognize them for who/what they are...My sister is notorious for her snarky, veiled "comments". Is there a polar opposite for a drama queen? She's a female Simon (a la American Idol). Hence, I don't "hang" with her much. Sadly, took me far too many hurts and years to figure out what color she truly was...
The color-coding is a difficult system to master, and how many of us really know what color WE are?
Posted by: Jen Connor at March 8, 2006 4:55 PM
This is soooo true... I can relate all over the place here. However, in addition to elevator button friends, I have a horrible inclination to date guys that are that way. I tend to choose the ones who set new lows, beneath the basement, we're talking subterranean here...
~Lauren
Posted by: laurenjharwood at March 8, 2006 5:13 PM
Hmmm, I don't know where my earlier comment went, but I'm hoping it turns up soon. Y'all make me realize what a universal this all is. Sheri, sometimes it takes those rough times to realize who your true friends are, and it sounds like you have plenty, worrying about you and wanting to help you out! That's a wonderful thing. And I can relate to the family stuff. I have a line in my new book about, "you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family." Holly, you make a good point about what kind of friend we are to others. I guess we can only do our best and try to be as honest as possible, though sometimes I feel like there are just people you can't click with no matter how hard you try. Jan, you are dead-on, girl! It's taken me forever to realize that point...like Eileen, I didn't figure out the color-coding until I hit 40! Charlaine Harris told me I'm a slow learner. ;-) Lauren, I've been there, too! Last year I went through my share of bad dudes...thankfully ending up with a really good one! Sometimes you have to endure the creeps to appreciate the keepers!
Posted by: Susan McB at March 8, 2006 10:19 PM
FROM SUSAN:
Okay, hopefully third time's the charm! My comments seem to be vanishing into a Black Hole somewhere, so I've asked Alesia to post this one for me. Eeek!
Alesia, you're so right about the "emotional vampires"--they're out there and just waiting to suck the life out of you. Those are the kind of "friends" that you feel exhausted after spending time with, since they take and do no giving. Just wish it were easier to distance ourselves from them, but it's not.
Sheri, sometimes it seems like it takes a bad turn for us to realize who our true friends are, and it sounds like you have plenty worried about you! Hang in there, girl, and I agree about the family stuff, which is why I have a line in my new book about, "you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family."
Holly, great point. I think all we can do is try to be the best friends we can be. Even that's not enough for some people, and I think those are the "down buttons."
Jan, I'm with ya! A handful of great, trusted friends is priceless. Eileen, it took me hitting 40, too, before I wised up. Maybe there's something magical about that age (tho' Charlaine Harris told me I'm a slow learner!).
Jen, family members can be the hardest to deal with, because it seems impossible to escape the poisonous ones. I had to distance myself from a sibling for a long, long while before we could communicate on a nonpoisonous level (if that makes sense!). Cruelty comes in a lot of forms, and often those closest to us can be the deadliest.
Lauren, after last year and dealing with my share of creeps, I've decided their purpose is to make us realize what we don't want! Then we appreciate the really good guys all the more.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at March 9, 2006 1:26 PM
Excellent points about knowing what color friend we ourselves are. It's not so easy sometimes. A friend had a health crisis at the same time that my own life was in more than bit of a whirl and I regret not having helped her more. Luckily, a lot of people were stepping up and I don't know that my presence was missed. I still missed doing something nice for her though.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at March 9, 2006 4:44 PM
