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March 7, 2006

Me and the FBI

Because all a girl needs is a good pair of shoes and an FBI file

To celebrate crime and felons week, and especially TODAY, which is the ACTUAL RELEASE DAY for BLONDES HAVE MORE FELONS!!!! [Yes, feel free to stand up from your computer right now and head to your nearest bookstore, or click over to your friendly online retailer, ‘cause it’s looking like Science Boy and Princess are going to have to go to college some day, since they’ve survived my parenting skills thus far], I thought I’d talk about the dossier of my life which is on file with the FBI.

What? You ask. Why would a mild-mannered writer have a file at the FBI? Well, technically, the FBI DOESN’T have a file on me.

They have FOUR.

This is actual fact, not some weird Oliver-Stone-like conspiracy theory raging rampant in my post-deadline brain. Or a pitiful attempt to make you feel sorry for me and rush out and BUY THE BOOK. [Subliminal advertising, anyone?]

As a trial lawyer – you knew I had to have SOME basis for writing a book about a trial lawyer, right? I didn’t make that stuff up!! Although, this begs the question of my upcoming ATLANTIS series . . .Erm. Okay. My official FBI blog-reader, Henry The Fed, is probably fairly confused right now, so this is where we can talk about how sad those dark blue suits are.

Oops. Rambling. Back to my FBI files. As an attorney, I had to undergo a three-day series of torture otherwise known as the bar exam. But even if you pass the bar exam, you cannot necessarily be licensed to practice law. No, first you must pass the FBI BACKGROUND CHECK. This is the hideous insult to privacy you endure where you fill out a FIFTY-PAGE form, listing everyone you’ve ever known, every job you’ve ever held, and every place you’ve ever lived. Seriously. They even fill in line one for you:

1. MY (ALLEGED) MOTHER’S WOMB

Naturally, being a creative type, my brain extrapolated all of the myriad and insane ways in which the background check could keep me from practicing law, even after 3 years and 3 kazillion dollars' worth of law school. For example, I stole a bar of soap when I was 4. Walked right out of the grocery store with it in my pocket. My mother made me take it back and apologize.

The thing that fascinates me about this is that it was SOAP. What kind of freakish child steals SOAP?? Why not CANDY?? Or GUM?? Or a toy??? No, soap. Maybe my germ phobia had already started . . .

Then, skipping quickly through the next 15 years of life, there were the toga parties at Ohio State. Which I may or may not have organized. Which may or may not have included puregrain alcohol and fruit punch. Which may or may not have rotted significant numbers of my brain cells.

Allegedly.

Still, you’re asking, why FOUR files? Well, it’s simple. While NORMAL people are free to resume their lives of debauchery and soap stealing after surviving the bar app, FBI background check, and INTERVIEW that is part of the process, I had to marry NAVY GUY. Who dragged me from state to state to state. So I had to repeat the process in FLORIDA. And WASHINGTON STATE. And WASHINGTON DC.

Now that I’m a full-time writer, with no more bar exams or FBI background checks in my future, life is much more fun. Cause MAKING STUFF UP is what I do for a living. And soap? I can BUY MY OWN. All I want.

[Note to Henry The Fed: here’s a TV interview with me and my new RWA chapter, the fabulously warm and welcoming Chesapeake Romance Writers - . Just in case you’re getting lonely for me. And the part where I said I just moved FROM instead of TO Virginia, or my name is spelled wrong? Well, I’ve gotta keep you on your toes, Henry. But, seriously, about those blue suits . . .]

Happy March 7th!!!

Alesia

P.S. For an excerpt, a FABULOUSLY COOL MOVIE-STYLE BOOK TRAILER, and more, please come visit me online. And, Henry? Quit entering the contests. It’s against those pesky FBI rules. And I'm already in enough trouble, now that you know about the soap.

This blog was brought to you by Blondes Have More Felons, Alesia’s first December Vaughn Mystery – there’s nothing like December in Florida!

Posted by Alesia at 11:15 AM | Comments (10)

Comments

Posted by: Eileen at March 7, 2006 11:57 AM

Posted by: Eileen at March 7, 2006 11:59 AM

Posted by: Whitney at March 7, 2006 12:54 PM

Posted by: Alesia Holliday at March 7, 2006 1:29 PM

Posted by: Michelle at March 7, 2006 5:27 PM

Posted by: Susan McB at March 7, 2006 5:43 PM

Posted by: Sheri at March 7, 2006 8:24 PM

Posted by: Cindy at March 7, 2006 8:57 PM

Posted by: TeresaH at March 8, 2006 7:48 AM

Posted by: Alesia Holliday at March 8, 2006 9:24 AM