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March 11, 2006
There Oughta Be A Law
I'm a good girl, I am...
You know, it wasn't until we hit Crime and Felons week here on Literary Chicks that I realized there's a segment of my life that is missing: That rebel spirit that gives one - in one's older, calmer years - some good stories to share about one's misspent youth. Because while my youth was fairly well misspent, I've never really broken the law, with the exception of boring laws. Underage drinking, okay. Expired inspection stickers, ya got me. It's possible that Fish and I got friendly while driving cross-country in one of those states that outlaws certain sex acts, so there might be something interesting there. But real good laws? The kind that give you those fun My-Night-In-The-Clink stories? I got nothing.
I doubt I even have an FBI file. Although now that I've copped to the underage drinking, I'm sure they'll get right on that.
What I do have, however, is a laundry list of things that should be crimes, but which, sadly, are not. And I think if the FBI is listening, they should maybe take some notes.
So, here we go. Lani's List of Things That Should Be Immediately Outlawed:
Advertising drugs which cure yellow toenails but cause dry heaving, eye ticks, flaky skin, excessive flatulence, psoriasis, narcilepsy, stroke, heart attack and eleven varieties of cancer.
Saying out loud any variation on the following: See you next year! on New Year's Eve to someone you're going to see the next day/Are you really going to wear that? to someone who quite obviously, yes, was going to wear that/Working hard or hardly working? to anyone/So, when are you due? to anyone who has not physically shown you the stick with two pink lines/You know, it's so hard to find anything decent in a size 0, to anyone who is not a size 0, which is everyone, so shut the hell up and stop your whining.
(Oh. Sorry. Got carried away there. Moving on...)
Giving someone else's child (say, mine) an education on sin and the devil and then leaving it to the parent to explain what hell is and why the devil is so mean and if God is so powerful why can't he beat the devil and why are we all going to burn in hell? Yeah. Thanks for that.
Marketing any new solvent that claims it will get the baked-on grease off of my range and out of my oven when really it's just the exact same ineffective crap I bought last time, only this time in a purple bottle and costing a dollar more.
Being mean to cashiers, waitresses, and any other variety of service person just because you're the customer and the customer's always right. Newsflash: Sometimes, the customer is wrong. Sometimes, the customer is just an insipid bully. And sometimes, service people are in a room alone with your food. Just something to think about.
Manufacturing toys that beep, burp, poop, pee, talk, sing, move of their own power or have lots of small, removable pieces. Let's go back to the big wood blocks, shall we? I liked the big wood blocks.
Producing news pieces that create mass hysteria over obscure household dangers that effect .00001% of the population, then teasing them with, "It's in your house and IT CAN KILL YOU. We'll tell you what it is... at eleven."
Well, that about covers it for me. But it makes me wonder... what's on your list?
This blog was brought to you by Blondes Have More Felons, Alesia’s first December Vaughn Mystery – there’s nothing like December in Florida!
Posted by Lani at 6:06 AM | Comments (7)
Comments
Oooh, excellent list, Lani. I'm forwarding it to my congressional representatives. It's about time they did something useful. :)
--Darla, also woefully law-abiding
Posted by: Darla at March 11, 2006 8:32 AM
Oh, Lani, I bought the stuff in the purple bottle, too. I nearly wept with disappointment. Let's definitely arrest those people and throw them in jail.
Can I add that I think leaving your grocery cart in a parking space when there's a perfectly good cart corral just a few spaces away should definitely be an actionable offense.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 11, 2006 12:26 PM
Thanks, Darla! We need all the congressional support we can get!
And Eileen - YES. The cart people make me nuts. Especially now that there are corrals EVERYWHERE. They should just put an automatic homing device on those bad boys, because it's never going to be convenient enough to get people to actually do it.
Posted by: Lani at March 11, 2006 1:46 PM
Let's not forget people who park in handicapped/pregnant-new mother spots when they are clearly not handicapped and/or pregnant/new mothers.
Teenagers in movie theaters WITH CELLPHONES.
Posted by: laurenjharwood at March 11, 2006 10:35 PM
"It's in your house and IT CAN KILL YOU. We'll tell you what it is... at eleven."
Yeah, only it's really not going to be on until 11:55, and if you aren't right there at the exact moment, you'll miss the 15 second spot.
That baked on grease? Try boiling/baking it with hot water and detergent. Seems to work. But NOT if the grease is on the outside. Also, one of those steamer things seems to loosen it up enough that you can scrub it off. The dreaded Amway used to have a product that worked really well, some white paste in a jar. Needed a lot of elbow grease but got almost anything off without scratching. Don't know if they still make it or if you want to get on their radar. \;+)
Posted by: ZaZa at March 12, 2006 2:26 PM
There ought to be a law against having first one child (stomach ful) and then the other child (sore throat and 103 fever) and then self (hideous flu) all get sick on one's release week.
Alesia, still alternately shivering/burning up
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at March 12, 2006 5:03 PM
"I'm a good girl, I am..."
Just one question: Lani, are you channeling Eliza?
Posted by: dee at March 20, 2006 11:16 AM
