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March 26, 2006
Sometimes the lonelist number is two.
Life inside the wrong relationship can be way lonelier than being alone.
I think the loneliest year of my life was the year I spent in Boston with Husband #1. (Yes. I am a multiply married Chick with two under my belt and a third one in the offing.) I had moved with him there so he could pursue a graduate degree. I knew one person besides him. That was okay. I make friends fast.
Except -- surprise, surprise -- he didn't like any of my new friends. That was an old story. For some reason, he didn't much like any of my friends although I got along fine with his. He wasn't all that crazy about my family either. Why exactly, he wanted to know, did I need to spend so much time on the phone with my sisters? Couldn't I limit it to a phone call to each of them every other week? When I started to make friends with the wives of some of his older classmates, he didn't approve and very successfully kept me from pursuing those friendships, too. These discussions were usually followed by more discussions of how fat I was, how stupid I was and how I was so very lucky that a man like him was interested in someone like me.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder how I could have been so stupid, how I couldn't see how hard he worked to keep me isolated. It was by far the loneliest year of my life. I probably didn't look lonely. I had a husband, after all. I was part of a couple. How could I possibly be lonely?
I was though. Desperately, terribly lonely and desperately, terribly sad.
In a move that may have saved my life and certainly saved my sanity, we left Boston for Wisconsin. I made friends who didn't care if he glared at them or was rude to them and had the courage to tell me that something was terribly wrong.
I left him, worrying that I would be lonely, and found just the opposite. Even when I was alone, I wasn't nearly as lonely as I was with him.
This blog was brought to you by The Lone Star Lonely Hearts Club, Susan McBride’s latest Deputante Dropout Mystery!
Posted by Eileen at 7:34 PM | Comments (10)
Comments
The courage to leave is the hardest thing to come by, but once you do! It's amazing. A lot of my fears, the things that held me back from leaving, were the financial worries... how could I afford to LIVE if I didn't have a HUSBAND? Thank goodness for my (fantastic) family, who told me that I should just come HOME (duh!). Of course, I didn't learn the first time, and from one very bad relationship, I found an even worse one. I tried to live on my own after that, but the financial devestation of being tied to a deadbeat for five years finally made it *impossible* and my wonderful family took us all back in again.
You are absolutely right, though, being in a horrible relationship is way lonlier than being alone.
Online dating, however, now THAT is another blog for another day...
Posted by: laurenjharwood ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 26, 2006 11:25 AM
Lauren,
I'm so glad you had family to lean on. It makes all the difference in the world.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at March 26, 2006 12:54 PM
Online dating - that's how I met my wonderful husband! They aren't all bad experiences.
Posted by: Allison at March 26, 2006 1:07 PM
Yesterday, I was browsing the vitamin aisle at Target (yes, my life is so glamorous) and there was a fresh-faced, good-looking couple next to me debating the merits of vitamin B6 versus B12, and I was like, "Aw, how sweet"...until I got close enough to hear what they were saying.
The guy was calling his girlfriend "stupid" and telling her to "shut up" and "God, you don't know anything".
I tried to sidle up to her to mutter that "you can do better, hon", but in the proud tradition of controlling boyfriends, he wouldn't leave her side for a second.
Pray they don't get engaged.
Posted by: Beth at March 26, 2006 1:54 PM
My first husband was very verbally abusive. There are days I just cannot figure out what I saw in him.
And then I talk on the phone with my father and remember.
It takes courage to break a cycle.
Posted by: Heather Cook at March 26, 2006 11:54 PM
Oh I agree that not all online dates are bad, I've had some good ones and even met a couple of guys I consider great friends there... and I'm not usually so well adjusted as to be friends with anyone I've dated (or crushed on even)... The BAD online dates I've been on, however, those have made fantastic material for something I'm working on *evil laughter*
Posted by: laurenjharwood at March 27, 2006 11:12 AM
Heather,
It takes a lot of insight to even figure out what the cycle is half the time!
Beth,
That story makes me cringe. I know exactly what you're talking about. I just want to grab those girls and race off with them. Of course, then there would be those pesky explanations to the police for kidnapping. There is just no good way out of that situation!
Lauren and Allison,
I have actually never done the on-line dating thing. Pats on the back to both of you for bravery. I'd probably be a wreck.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at March 27, 2006 12:32 PM
Eileen, thank goodness you had the courage to realize what was happening and ditch him. And thank goodness you have Cowboy, now :-)
Michelle
Posted by: Michelle C at March 29, 2006 8:27 AM
I am a lucky girl in my own roundabout way, aren't I?
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at March 29, 2006 2:20 PM
Eileen, just wanted you to know that I'm VERY proud of you.
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah at April 7, 2006 10:16 PM
