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April 7, 2006
The Battle of the Nose Job
Someone's been watching too much TV...
I hate my nose. I’ve always hated it—it’s lumpy, bumpy, and way too large for my face. And no, this is not a hidden entreaty to get you guys to assure me that my nose is perfectly fine and I should be happy with it just the way it is. I know the truth. My nose = genetic travesty.
But I never seriously considered doing anything about this until I started watching Dr 90210 on E!
This is a reality show that follows the personal and professional lives of several SoCal plastic surgeons, and each episode features a different client pre- and post-surgery. I had no idea plastic surgery had come so far, technologically speaking; I always pictured some guy in scrubs futzing around with a sawbone and a needle and thread. ( I also had no idea that plastic surgery was so gross; I could really do without the close-up camera shots of blood and subcutaneous fat.)
Anyway, the patients showcased on Dr. 90210 always profess to be thrilled with the results of their surgery. My chin implant saved my marriage, they say. Lipo has made life worth living again. This sounds ridiculous now that I’m typing it, but let me tell you, at 2 in the morning after I’ve been revising a manuscript for 8 hours straight, these testimonials are very convincing. Maybe I should get a nose job, I think. That might be the answer to all my problems. Plus, come on, how painful could it really be?
Then I run my brilliant new idea past Mr. Tall and he shoots me down. Won’t even listen to reason. “But I’d look good!” I tell him. “I could be, like, your trophy wife.”
“You’re already beautiful,” he says, since this is not his first day on the job.
“Okay, well then, I’d FEEL more beautiful,” I try. “On the inside. Confidence! Self-esteem!”
“It’s elective surgery,” he says. “Surgery’s dangerous. You could die.”
“Look at all the patients on Dr. 90210! None of them ever die!”
“They don’t show the stories that go bad.”
“Go to any mall, beach, or bar in Los Angeles,” I say. “All those chicks somehow survived their boob jobs. you're being ridiculous.”
“You don’t need a nose job.”
“What if I get in a bar fight and someone breaks my nose? Then can I get it re-set?”
“No.”
“Seriously? You’d make me spend the rest of my life looking like Owen Wilson?”
“Yes.”
“I want a nose job, damnit!”
“And I want a golf cart. I guess we all want things.”
“Well, I’m an adult, my friend. If I want plastic surgery, you can’t stop me.”
Then he breaks out the heavy artillery: he makes me call my sister, who is a physician, and my friend Seema, who is in med school. They regale me with tales of horrible mahaps on the operating table and assure me that they themselves would never give agree to surgery unless it was a matter of life and death. Then they get off topic and start telling snide surgeon jokes.
So I listen to them and all is well. Until the next episode of Dr. 90210. Maybe I could somehow contact the producers and arrange to get on the show. I’d get rhinoplasty and testify that my new nose took my writing career to a whole new level. Which it totally would. If they’re filming you, they probably take extra good care of you while you’re under the knife. What do you think?
Battle of the Sexes Week is brought to you by Don’t Look Down, Jenny Crusie and Bob Mayer's new Romantic Adventure, in stores April 4th!
Posted by Beth at 3:10 AM | Comments (14)
Comments
I've been pimping "Life as a Poser" all over the place. (Like to total strangers in Borders and everything.)
Such.A.Groupie.
And there's nothing wrong with your nose.
Posted by: laurenjharwood ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at April 7, 2006 8:58 AM
I suppose it doesn't help to say your nose gives your face character, either. Though I truly like your nose much better than a generic one.
Next time you're tempted, check out Awful Plastic Surgery at http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/ .
Posted by: Darla at April 7, 2006 10:32 AM
I hate my nose too. However- two words- Michael Jackson. (shiver) I vote we keep the noses.
Posted by: Eileen at April 7, 2006 7:03 PM
Yeah. Beth. Mr. Tall's right. And LOL at the "I want a golf cart" line.
But then, whenever I watched Extreme Makeover, I always kinda thought the same thing. Not about your nose. About the many, many things that are wrong with me. Why is it that other people's imperfections make them more beautiful, but mine make me want to pay an exhorbitant amount of money to a man wielding a very sharp knife?
Posted by: Lani at April 7, 2006 8:25 PM
Hey, I want in on the nose job thing, too! Maybe we can get a group discount? Or, how about, Extreme Makeover: Literary Chicks Edition?
Posted by: Whitney at April 8, 2006 10:35 AM
Oh, I hear you - we get that show over here, too and man is it addictive!
If it were possible to have plastic surgery painlessly, and without general anaesthesia, I might get a few things "done." (Gravity and childbirth have a lot to answer for!)
Michelle C
Posted by: Michelle C at April 10, 2006 8:10 AM
I have one honker of a nose. It's hard not to notice. But, even though somedays I wish I could saw it off with a plastic knife, I also love it. Because it's my genetic heirloom. I'm a geneology buff, one branch of my family can be traced back to the 1400's. And I have portraits and picture of the generations gone by and they all have the same honking nose. So I'm proud of it. If I ever got a nose job I'd feel like I was cutting off my heritage. Silly I know, but what can I say.
Posted by: Shelli Stevens at April 13, 2006 3:16 AM
Yeah, I have a few desires...I would love to raise the
tip, minimize the bump...yeah, why do people get
so self-righteous on that topic. I'm coming OUT
and admitting I would love to straighten my nose.
At least it's small. It's small, bumpy, and a touch
long at the tip. What a weird conglomeration. Hey,
I had hernia surgery, that's elective, no? Glad I did it!
By the way, you're pretty, so don't sweat it. And at least
you don't have a weak jawline! That's the worst!
Posted by: Margaret Lee at May 4, 2006 6:48 PM
I can completely relate to your situation. I have the same conversation with my boyfriend and my whole family way too often. People always say "it adds character," which is true, but I would love to get rid of my bump. Trouble is I am scared to death of surgery. I'm a singer, too, and I would hate to have it change my voice. I guess it will always be an ongoing struggle, but it feels good to hear that there are other people in the same boat as you!
Posted by: melissa at May 6, 2006 4:58 AM
Oh boy... i feel you-- I have the same problem.. no support at all from my boyfriend and let me tell you-- it sucks. And i am very sorry you want it so bad... Probably as bad as i do. and i get "if u do it it's over between us" Eh... Try taking him with you to a consultation meeting with a plastic surgeon, maybe then he'll change his mind. :-)
Posted by: Mar mar at June 21, 2006 3:16 AM
Oh boy... i feel you-- I have the same problem.. no support at all from my boyfriend and let me tell you-- it sucks. And i am very sorry you want it so bad... Probably as bad as i do. and i get "if u do it it's over between us" Eh... Try taking him with you to a consultation meeting with a plastic surgeon, maybe then he'll change his mind. :-)
Posted by: Mar mar at June 21, 2006 3:16 AM
You guys are the 57135 best, thanks so much for the help.
Posted by: Caty Tota at August 19, 2006 6:03 AM
I wanted a nose job for years. My nose had a big hump and was far to big for my face. My family and fiance were dead against it. They'd all say "You dont need it, we love you as you are" and then there was "But surgery is so risky, you might die". Yes, I listened all for an hour or so. The thing is they didnt have to live with this horrendous conk. So I went for a consultation with The Harley Medical Group. They were fantastic and 4 weeks ago I went under the knife and got my new nose. I feel great, my confidence has soared and everyone thinks its wonderful. I say do it if you really want it. It didnt hurt a bit, just felt like I had a really bad cold for a couple of weeks.
Posted by: Gemma at January 6, 2007 2:27 PM
I saw your picture and read your blog. I know that you believe a nose job might solve all of your problems but look at the women on the news nowadays. ALL of them had plastic surgery, and botox etc...for the first few years it looks GOOD. BUt the next 10 years it starts to look like hell. The face gets distorted, the people who see them say "I dont know what it is but there is something wrong with their face"...
THen there is the success stories LIKE Christina Aguilara. She had a nose job because when she was 16 or so. And now she looks 100 percent Fabolous! So the luck of the draw I guess. As for you though....you look very attractive and your nose is FINE! YOu really are lucky because this is your Perception. I didnt notice your nose until you went on a RANT about it. ITs very strong, and attractive. PLease dont get one! Plus it might change your pitch and voice> Jennifer Gray had one,and she is not acting because it was botched! Her voice is thin, wispy and nasal!! Trust me, your man wants to hear your voice too! That is a total turnoff!
Posted by: melizien at June 14, 2007 9:14 PM
