I'm a smart ass with a black sense of humour, so my comebacks are usually snappy AND soul-crushing.

Try "son of a motherless goat" when polite cursing is required (I guarantee most people won't have heard that one!) and when someone asks you what you're doing when it's obvious (ie. wrapping a gift, making supper, answering e-mail), just say something outrageous like "flying a pickle to the moon." Guaranteed to make even the smartest cookie feel stupid!

I like "son of a motherless goat"! I can see that being handy in a lot of situations.

Thanks, Jennifer!

Eileen

I have a tongue that could cut glass at seventeen paces, so I have the opposite problem of wishing I'd shut up instead of sliced and diced some rude moron into little pieces. Because I'm trying to work on my karma, damnit!
And Eileen, seriously, you are even sweeter than Beth. Sorry to have to confront you with the awful truth. :)

When I was younger, I always came up with the perfect comeback much later than it was useful. I'd fantasize the situation in my head and let go with a scathing remark.

As I got older (although I haven't aged past 25 in some years now, it's remarkable, really) I've managed to hold my own and USUALLY I can come back with a comeback. When I can't think of something, I flip my hair. It's distracting to the enemy...

I'm right there with you, Eileen! I've gotten slightly better with age but it's still not often enough that I do a little dance in my head when I actually get one out on time. ;) LOL Although it's probably a good thing I'm not that great at comebacks becauase I tend to have a continual bitchy commentary running throughout my head. Kind of like that little ticker on the news stations. ;)

I have the comebacks. In high school, one friend at another school would call me between classes to give her something to say to someone who irked her. Mine were none to polite. It was later tagged a "Brenda Verbal Castration." AOL won't even call my house anymore, and the ONE time they did, mistakingly calling the Bradshaw house, my husband said, "You do realized you called Brenda Fontenot, right?" CLICK! (Fontenot was my name at the time.) You know you're wicked evil when AOL won't even bother anymore!

I wanted to be an attorney. Everyone thought I'd be one - fast thinking, fast tongue, and the higher the tension and contravery, the faster and sharper the jabs come. Then my parents and I realized I'd spend all my money in contempt for telling judges off, so I became a mommy instead - teaching a new generation. Frightening thought.

For me; anytime I am faced with the decision to insert foot in mouth, or bite my tongue, I think of the movie The Upside Of Anger.
There is that hilarious scene with Joan Allen visually imagining this guy with whom her daughter is 'dating' his head exploding!!!
Works every time!!!! Whatever lame comeback I wanted to say gets replaced with a chuckle and a smirk. Always leave 'em guessing...

Ha! I like that one. I'll have to try it. It goes well with that Mark Twain quote about it being better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're an idiot than to open it and erase all doubt.

I NEED A NEW COME BACK FOR "HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY" I AM SICK OF SAYING SOS OR JUST PEACHY! I NEED SOMETHING WITH A BITE TO IT, IN A NICE WAY! I AM TOTALLY BRAIN DEAD AND CAN'T THINK!

dearest eileen: here is a snappy comeback i use...when some one asks me how i am i say the shits but ty for asking lmao

Hi girls. I'm in great need of a really cutting comeback and maybe one of you could help me. I take care of my elderly stepfather. I do everything for him, however, rather than be greatfull, his children (my stepsister and stepbrother) treat me like shit and don't trust me. My stepbrother recently took over paying my stepfather's bills and locked me out of the bank website saying he didn't trust me not to steal. So now I have to send all the bills to my stepbrother to pay and I'm looking for a biting comeback to send in the envelope with them. Something about his wonderfull brotherly love and trust...or something about their wonderfull openess and willingness to talk to me about their concerns. I really hate them. I can't understand how people can be so cruel. Please help me get back at them with words. I'm so hurt and angry that I can't think straight.

Peggy

Hey there,
I need help with a snappy, cutting comeback next time.
It was a family get-together, conversation turned to inappropriate, embarrasing topics, speaking tacky of others.
I was speechless, a sister-in-law that is becoming more cutting in her remarks as of late, brought my silence to everyone's attention, making a big deal about it, saying I would never survive in her family. I managed to say upon the end of the evening, that "good thing I wouldn't be getting an invitation to her family, because I would just have to decline" and acceptance will have to be made for the way I am.
I want to be ready next time for her big mouth, I want to keep my integrity and put her in her place big time.

hi my name is seda and thers this one gal in a year above me wheneva i get into fights with her she always seems to come up with good and better come backs. if i want to win i have to say something better than what she says to me
so please help!! thankyou