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June 3, 2006

Cell Phones: The Sequel

...and the ensuing red tape (because there's always red tape)!

It has taken approximately twenty long months for me to acquire a fully functioning cell phone that works wherever I happen to be in the world. Yes, you read that right. Twenty. Long. Months.

But why has it taken so long? I hear you all cry. Even you can't be that disorganized, Michelle. Plus, how have you survived without a cell phone for that long?

Well, when we first moved here I attempted to purchase an international cell phone with a plan. But the very unhelpful Cell Phone People told me that in order to qualify, I had to promise them my first and second born (Teenagers #1 and #2 weren't too impressed). I also had to swear Blood Fealty to The Cell Phone People by secret blood ritual. I had to endure fire and flood and famine, and...

Okay, what I really had to do was provide (a) proof of my residency, (b) my latest Dutch bank account statement, and (c) they would need to check my Dutch credit rating.

Grrr! I didn't have a Dutch credit rating (I hadn't been in the country long enough to build one), and they were not interested in my American credit rating. I couldn't fulfill the other requirements, either, at that point in time, because of this little red tape story.

So I gave up and purchased a pre-paid phone which, The Cell Phone People assured me, would even work in America. But I would have to remember to pre-purchase at least five gazillion minutes in advance.

So I bought the cell phone, which worked fine here in the Netherlands, apart from on this occasion, and prior to my trip to America I remembered to pre-purchase five gazillion minutes in advance. And when I got to America...

It didn't work.

At that point in time I was so inundated with all of the other red tape going on in my life, so I put the idea of getting a real cell phone with a real plan to the back of my mind. Until the other day when Oh Patient One said...

"You know, Michelle, you're going to America at least twice more this year. We really need to get you a proper international cell phone with a plan so that you're not incommunicado while you're away. Plus, it will be handy for coordinating with your friends/editor/agent while you're there."

Me (not very enthusiastically because I am still resistant to the idea of having to fight any more red tape battles): "Okay. But it's going to be a huge problem, you just wait and see."

Oh Patient One (patiently, but with a firm glint in his eye): "We'll go to the cell phone store tomorrow and get one. I mean, it can't be that hard."

Me (highly suspiciously, because I just know there is going to be a problem): "Can't it?" And then I fell on the floor in a hysterical bout of cynical laughter.

Oh Patient One (in the manner of a Man With A Mission): "Really. It can't be that hard."

Anyway, in the end Oh Patient One went off by himself the following day bright and early on his crusade to procure for me, The Love Of His Life, a Cell Phone With A Plan, because I couldn't face it (I had better things to do than spend my entire life trying to persuade The Cell Phone People that I was deserving). Plus, I was still rolling on the floor laughing at his "it can't be that hard" comment.

So he arrived home (many hours later, it has to be said) triumphantly waving my new international cell phone. He had promised The Cell Phone People his firstborn (Teenager #1 wasn't too impressed), he had sworn Blood Fealty to The Cell Phone People by secret blood ritual. He had endured fire and flood and famine, and...

But he had procured the international cell phone with a monthly plan. Oh, plus a bag of stupendous free goodies (more on them later).

Me (in the manner of Fair Damsel praising her Champion): "You are a genius. I love you. You are the best."

Oh Patient One (smiling beatifically): "Well, you really need this phone."

Anyway, not be cynical or anything, I called a friend in America on my fabulous new cell phone just to see if it worked. And it did! Yay. Finally, I am totally a real person! But the little nagging voice in the back of my mind refused to believe that it could be this easy.

So I called Alesia, and implored her to call me on my new cell phone, just to see if it worked. I promised not to pick up (international cell phone calls are expensive), but I just needed reassurance that the phone would ring when she called me. Anyway, Alesia being a good friend, she immediately agreed. A few seconds later, the new cell phone beeped at me and flashed a complicated message in Dutch. So I called Alesia back.

Alesia: "Sweetie, I got switched straight away to some pre-recorded Dutch woman."

Me (sighing): "I should have known there would be a problem. Thanks for trying, anyway, hon."

So I could call America, but America couldn't call me. I mean, how is that supposed to help me?

The next day Oh Patiant One and I trudged back to the store and explained our plight to The Cell Phone People. And after we'd promised them our second born (Teenager #2 was not impressed with that), and we'd sworn Blood Fealty to The Cell Phone People by secret blood ritual, and after we'd endured fire and flood and famine, and...

Anyway, I am happy to report that the cell phone NOW WORKS! So I can call anyone, anytime, anyplace in the world.

And that bag of freebie goodies that Oh Patient One extricated from The Cell Phone People? Well, it included a pack of yellow, green and orange condoms called Skins, I kid you not.

No, they are not for us. They are for the new cell phone. Just in case I feel like taking it for a swim...

Michelle, still on the floor laughing hysterically at the idea of taking my cell phone for a swim

Posted by Michelle at 11:41 AM | Comments (5)

Comments

Posted by: Teenager#1 at June 3, 2006 3:24 PM

Posted by: Eileen at June 3, 2006 5:15 PM

Posted by: Alesia Holliday at June 3, 2006 9:58 PM

Posted by: Michelle C at June 4, 2006 8:11 AM

Posted by: dee at June 5, 2006 7:59 PM