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June 16, 2006
In the past week, I have signed my name 1,823 times
Ah, mortgage, sweet mortgage, how I have yearned for thee...
Forgive me, chicklets. I missed last week because I was on my way to give a workshop in Toronto, and this week's blog is going to take lame to a new place because we closed on our house on Monday, and I have spent every day this week working morning to night to get it ready for the big move - which is today - and do you know that not a single woodland creature made me a gown for the ball while I slaved away? Personally, I think they could have at least fixed up a nice cheese plate. Lazy bastards. Anyway, I'm exhausted and drained (yet happy! Always happy! Homeowners are happy, happy people. Right? That's what the Mephistopheles to whom I signed away my life and soul told me. He wouldn't have lied... would he????)
Okay. Where was I?
Oh, yes. Exhausted and drained. Exactly. Which makes it very hard to be amusing, and that's pretty much my only job here. Be amusing. But I'm just too tired to pull it off. I mean, you don't really want to hear about the snake in my shed that was easily 1/2000th my size and yet sent me screaming through the yard like a Victorian virgin with a bee up her petticoat, do you?
Well. Actually. That was kinda funny. But those flickering tongues are freaky.
(Okay, the phrase "flickering tongue" is just too neighborly with "Victorian virgin" here to not create certain associations in your head, isn't it? Oh, stop it. Stop pretending like you weren't thinking it. You know you were. You dirty, dirty Chicklets. Shame on you.)
But back to my dramatic overreaction to the snake, which I don't think is really an overreaction, because no one likes snakes. Except for my father-in-law who is one of the country's leading herpetologists (i.e., snake... studier... guys) and keeps them in a special room in his house and really seems to like them quite a lot, actually.
Love you, Cecil. But snakes? Are creepy.
So. Oh. Where was I? Oh, yes. Exhausted and drained and unable to be funny. Right.
Oh, hey. Did I mention I'm moving to the country? Yes, the name of my road is County Route 11. Seriously. County Route 11. Yes. I live on a road so remote that nobody bothered naming it. The town planners were probably like, "Well, who lives there? Like, two people? And one of them is that farmer guy with the crazy eye, so hell, let's just call it 11 and hit the driving range, whaddaya say?"
So, yes. Um. Where was I? Oh, yes. Exhausted and drained. And unable to be funny. There you have it.
But I'm a homeowner. So far, it's fun, if you forget about the work and the fact that I installed my own washer and dryer this week and promptly flooded my utility room and kitchen. On the first day. I didn't have a mop, so I used six bath towels and two rolls of Viva. I am woman. Hear me curse like a sailor with a bad case of the clap.
So. Um. Where was I? Oh, yes.
Yes. So I'm way too tired to write anything even remotely amusing this week. So sorry. And yes, I did come all the way down here to blog about how there will be no blog. So, that's kind of funny, right? A little? Maybe? Oh, hell.
But I'm a homeowner.
And I have paint in my hair.
Posted by Lani at 6:00 AM | Comments (11)
Comments
Happy Homecoming to Lani, Fish, Sweetness and Light. Happiness is assured.
Posted by: hollygee at June 16, 2006 10:04 AM
Congrats, m'dear!
Posted by: Barb at June 16, 2006 10:27 AM
Congrats, m'dear!
Posted by: Barb at June 16, 2006 10:30 AM
Happy home ownership and all that good stuff...
Snakes? eww... I have a snake story...it's hilarious, I'll tell you sometime.
Posted by: laurenjharwood ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at June 16, 2006 10:36 AM
Yeah you sold your house,boo for the dreaded move.
Posted by: Dena at June 16, 2006 12:16 PM
HUGE congrats baby!!! Once you get all those boxes unpacked, it really will be fun. Really!!
Alesia, veteran of 5 moves in 10 years
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at June 16, 2006 1:07 PM
Take pictures, keep notes so you'll never be tempted to do this again. I'm a homeowner, first time and man did they see me coming. I've got men on the roof right now telling we were ripped off. No insulation in the attic, chimney caving in. But not to worry, he has a brother who's a contractor. Just kidding. It's all fun. Enjoy it. And I never thought one dirty little thing about a flickering tongue and Victorian virgin. God bless ya! : ) You're funny all the time.
Posted by: shery at June 16, 2006 1:28 PM
Congratulations! The worst is over! I hated signing all those documents. It made me so tense I woke up in the middle of the night chewing my own tongue.
Now I just wake up convinced I hear my roof rotting.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at June 16, 2006 3:08 PM
Woot! You're in! Yeah, signing all of those papers bites the big one, doesn't it? God Bless New York State and their need to have everything in quadruplicate or whatever it was... although I'd rather sign papers than deal with a snake.
And BTW, y'all, Lani's father-in-law is adorable, even if he is a herpetologist. :-)
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca at June 16, 2006 7:03 PM
I'd rather do snakes and small furry rodents than bugs ANY day! LOL! Victorian virgin with a bee in her petticoat? Yep, that would be me--running and screaming and flailing away. The snake? NSM. I once pulled one out of a barrel of grain. (He wasn't too happy about it, since I had already pulled about a half dozen of his potential snacks out of the same barrel--mice really like grain... ) But really, Lani, I hope you left the wee snake in the yard/shed area. Rather the snake than the destructive rodents he is keeping in check! But I am sure the FIL told you all that already. *wink*
Oooh, too bad about flooding your utility room! But it's all good--just think, no one can charge you for the water damage because it is YOUR laundry room!! *grin* And isn't choosing your own colors to paint the house awesome?! Enjoy!
Posted by: Sheri at June 17, 2006 11:14 AM
I just finished reading Ex and The Single Girl and am absolutely smitten by it. I loved it because I think a lot of us women can definitely relate to the feeling of always losing guys for reasons we cannot comprehend. We're not doing anything wrong! How I feel exactly like Portia at times... Anyway, brilliantly done. I really enjoyed it and I wanted to commend you on that.
I found your book through your agents website. I'm currently working on a collaborative and comedic (we hope so at least) novel with another author. We have the final fourth of the book to compose and then a whole bunch of editing to continue working on, but we have already begun to shop for agents. I've read enough "How To Get Published" guides to discover that being represented is often the way to go. Anyway, I liked the look of a lot of the books that Levine Greenberg had to offer and that led me to you!
I also wanted to tell you I think it's very cool that you are such a down-to-earth writer. It's a lot of fun to see an author who has a website that she is involved in, writes in a blog, etc.
My question for you is if you're planning on doing any signings in the New England area this summer! Connecticut, perhaps? Let me know!
Posted by: Erin Belford at June 21, 2006 2:17 AM
