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July 3, 2006
Where The Hell Are We?
And the trials and tribulations of navigating unfamiliar territory
So, when we were on vacation in England nearly two weeks ago (sob, is it that long ago?), we went somewhere we hadn't been to before, as you do. We went to Somerset. And Somerset, oh gorgeously fabulous county, as well as being chock full of history, and tors, and barrows, and ancient ruins, and other kewel stuff, is also full of tiny, very picture-esk-kew villages.
And also full of lots of tiny, windy roads, which mainly seem to go very uphill in a windy kind of way, or downhill in a windy kind of way. And some of them are not wide enough for 2-way traffic, which means quite a bit of reversing up and down windy roads, in first gear (because you really do need maximum power and clutch control in these situations, believe me), to a specially created wider bit, to allow the car heading toward you to get past you.
All at (felt like) about 100 miles per hour. Give me cities and autobahns and motorways and freeways, anyday!
But that was the easy part...
...the tricky part was establishing where, exactly, at a given point in time, the hell were we?
Actually, that's a bit of a lie. When I was driving the tiny, windy, uppy/downy roads (not at 100 miles per hour), we knew exactly where we were, because Oh Patient One was in charge of the map.
When Oh Patient One was driving (a bit faster than me - he did a lot of windy, narrow, country lanes in his youth) and I was in charge of the map, it was a different story.
Okay. Hands up. I have no sense of direction. None whatsoever. It irritates me, it counfounds me, it bloody well drives me insane, but there is nothing I can do about it, and believe me, I Have Tried. I just don't have the hand-eye coordination, spatial awareness, multidimensional thing, or whatever the hell thing it is, going on.
So here's a conversation between Oh Patient One and I one day on the way back to our rented cottage...
Oh Patient One (who also can do distances, damnit, to the nth degree): "I'm pretty sure we're nearly back at the cottage. About five miles away, give or take an inch. Can you have a look on the map? We've just passed Burrowbridge."
Me (squinting at the map, but trying for efficient navigation): "Yes. Right. Okay."
Oh Patient One: "Hmm. I just saw a sign for Weakbridge."
Me (squinting more furiously at the map, still trying for efficient navigation): "Yes. Right. Okay. I can see Burrowbridge. But I can't see any village called Weakbridge.
Oh Patient One (who would be falling on the floor clutching his stomach, but who isn't, on account of driving): "Wheeze, wheeze, cough, laugh, laugh. More laugh. No, I didn't mean we were IN Weakbridge. I meant there was a sign for A WEAK BRIDGE. Laugh, snort, cough, wheeze."
Me (when I have Stopped Sulking and have Seen The Funny Side): "Okay. But anyone could have made that mistake. I mean, do you know that there is a Highbridge, a Bason Bridge, and lots of other villages with bridge in the name around here? I mean, ANYONE could have made that mistake."
A little while later...
Me: "And they should bloody well FIX the bloody WEAK BRIDGE. I mean, that's just bloody DANGEROUS, isn't it?"
Another little while later...
Oh Patient One (pointing to a ruined castle-type turret atop a tor): "Can you have a look on the map and see what that castle-type turret atop that tor is?"
Me (once again squinting at the map, but trying for efficient navigation): "Yes. Right. Okay. Hmmm. I think it must be Willow Craft. That's what it says on the map."
Oh Patient One (with a Patient Expression): "Are you sure? I'm sure you're right, but castle-type turrets on top of tors usually have, you know, historically mystical names."
Me: "Well, I think so. That's what it says here on the map. I mean, it's in the right kind of place..."
A very little while later we drove through a village (the name eludes me, because the villagers forgot to put up a sign saying 'Welcome to....") Anyway, in the village was a huge sign for 'Willow Crafts Centre ->."
Oh Patient One tried hard not to laugh. He really did. And this is my question. Why was there even an entry on the map for bloody "Willow Crafts Centre ->?" There was no entry for "Supermarket ->." Or for "Gorgeous Boutique ->." Or for "Shoe shop ->." Is it just me, or what?
I just give up. I really do. Maps and me are just not meant to be a marriage made in Heaven. Although there are some other things that I AM good at.
A few days later, back in our Rotterdam apartment...
Oh Patient One: "Have you seen my..."
Me: "It's on the kitchen windowsill, right-hand side, behind the tea caddy, next to the Mickey Mouse tea strainer which Lovely Cathy bought for us in Disneyland, Florida, as a thank you for looking after the lizards. And the dogs. And Patches, the cat."
And shortly later...
Oh Patient One: "And have you seen my..."
Me: "In the storeroom, third shelf down on the right-hand side, behind Possibly Dead June."
Oh Patient One: "Behind Possibly Dead June?????"
Me: "Yes, Possibly Dead June. I didn't throw her away, just in case she isn't really dead."
Oh Patient One (with a very endearing smile): "I love you."
Me: "Yes, I know, dear."
Tomorrow Oh Patient One, Teenager #2, and I are off to Paris for the day. One of Teenager #2's bestest friends from America is there on the French trip, and we are going to hang with him. Yay! (Son of Lovely Cathy, who bought me the treasured Mickey Mouse tea strainer from Disneyland.)
Fortunately, we are going on the train, so no navigating required!
Au voir! Je suis off to torture les pauvres Francaises avec ma terrible command of their langue...No doubt there will be une petite histoire (or is it un petit histore...)
Michelle
Posted by Michelle at 12:35 PM | Comments (7)
Comments
On our last trip to Scotland we were driving about- my patient one was trying to sort out where we were and he assumed since I had the map I should be able to figure it out. 12 years married- you would think he would learn. Voices were raised and he may have said something like "Well you are holding the map!" At that point I chucked it out the window and pointed out "Now no one knows where we're going. Happy?"
We just pulled over and had lunch. Everything is better with a snack.
Posted by: Eileen at July 3, 2006 5:28 PM
Ahhh, even with the map issues (and YES I'm right there WITH you, stupid maps, made by men, what can you do?) it sounds like you had a really lovely time. And I'm so JEALOUS!!! England. Paris. My last big trip was to Pool Haven.
Sulk. :) Love you, darlin'!
Posted by: Lani ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at July 3, 2006 5:55 PM
I'm so with you on the whole maps being drawn mainly by men to confound women. I mean really, if the map had actual useful information like .. turn right at Safeway then drive down to Hungry Jacks, turn again towards the big mall on the left until you see the florists with yellow flowers on special out the front .. this I could understand. I hate when male directions only seem to use street names and stooopid things like west, south-east or northerly direction. We need female maps that use shops and pretty houses with obvious gnome infestations as references.
Posted by: Chez at July 3, 2006 7:37 PM
>> turn right at Safeway then drive down to Hungry Jacks, turn again towards the big mall on the left until you see the florists with yellow flowers on special out the front ..<<
AAARGHH!! Chez, I adore you, but do you happen to live in Florida??? When we moved to Florida, I thought I'd lose my mind with the directions:
"Go down to where the Baptist church used to be, before the fire in '79, then turn right at where Elmer's fish restaurant was before Hurricane Andrew . . . "
AARGH!!
Or this one, which I SWEAR to GOD actually happened to me more than once:
Receptionist: "You go halfway down the street and make a right."
Me: "Great, are you on the north or the south side of the street?"
Her: "Well, it depends on which way you're comin' from."
AARGHHH!!! No, the directions NORTH AND SOUTH do not depend on which way I'm driving down the street!!!!
Alesia, having flashbacks. Give me my map and compass anytime . . .
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at July 3, 2006 10:14 PM
Sorry, gfs, but I got the map and navigation gene. Maybe I was given it to counter that they left out the whole manicure/pedicure gene, and while I'd like my shoes to be pretty, I want to be damned sure that they are comfortable. In many other ways I'm totally a girl. Cooking, sewing, knitting, cats. Yep, girl.
Posted by: hollygee at July 4, 2006 12:08 AM
I'm with you in this one, Michelle. In fact, my Patient One looks at me in horror and says, stumbling on his words, "...but you were a geography major!?" I look at him in shock and tell him that means I know how to *fold* the map.
Posted by: vadreamer at July 4, 2006 9:13 AM
Eileen - next time there is a weak bridge involved (I still think it should be fixed) I am so heading straight for the snack option :-)
Lani - thank you, hon, we had a totally lovely, lovely time in England and in Paris, yesterday :-) Shoe shopping featuerd in Paris (I didn't mean to shop for shoes, I just couldn't help myself when we passed this great looking shop with "Sale" emblazoned on the window)
Chez - yes! That's exactly my point! Why can't maps show the really useful things in life? (Especially shoe shops.)
Alesia - LOL!
Hollygee - you are so lucky to get the navigation gene.
Vadreamer - LOL!
Posted by: Michelle C at July 5, 2006 5:04 AM
