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July 9, 2006
It's not you...
Okay. It's you.
You know, I haven't done much dumping in my lifetime. Mostly because I'm really, realllllly bad at it. I mean, horrendously bad. Getting dumped by me could viably take years. A typical Lani dumping consisted of weeks of me beating around the bush, and then when the guy finally wised up and asked outright if I was breaking up with him, my answer would invariably be, "No." As a matter of fact, there's a guy from college who might think we're still dating.
(Hi, Billy. Um, we're broken up. It's not you. It's me. Sorry. All my best.)
See, the thing is, like many women, I used to be completely unable to hurt someone's feelings. (I have since gotten over that.) I especially dreaded hurting the feelings of someone who I liked enough to start dating in the first place, but didn't really like enough to actually continue dating. I always wanted to be friends afterward, which is unbelievably stupid, because unless the dumping is mutually synchronized - in which case, you were probably never really more than friends anyway - you can't be friends. It's simply impossible. One of you will invariably get drunk and show up on the other's porch at midnight, and friendships just never really survive that kind of activity.
Of course, at the time, I did not know this. So every time, without fail, the bandaid came off slowly and painfully. It was like trying to kill someone with a soup spoon. You might eventually get the job done, but by the time you do... well.
Yeah.
Despite my lack of skill in the breakup department, I'm going to hold a little mini-contest in honor of Alesia's brilliant new novel (run, don't walk, to your local bookstore - or click here.) First, I'll show you my top five lame break-up excuses (and what they really mean)... then you show me yours. Ready? Here we go!
1. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
2. You deserve better. (Is your sister available?)
3. I'm not attracted to you physically. (Just because I'm balding doesn't mean I can't be picky.)
4. I love you, but as a friend. (I may need ot borrow money from you in the future.)
5. I'm not comfortable in a monogamous relationship. (However, if you'd consider a threesome, we might have something to talk about. Is your sister available?)
So... what are your favorite lame breakup excuses (and what they really mean)? Share 'em in the comments here, and I'll pick a winner, who will receive a copy of Seven Ways to Lose Your Lover which I will personally buy and have signed for you at the RWA National Conference in Atlanta! I'll choose a winner and announce in my blog on July 23rd - so what are you waiting for, Chicklets? Go for it!
This blog was brought to you by Seven Ways to Lose Your Lover, Alesia’s hilarious new novel about a woman who learns to be true to her heart – even when her heart feels like a traitor.
Posted by Lani at 7:37 AM | Comments (16)
Comments
My humble opinion is that if the guy is nice enough to be taken home to Da Parents, then every reason is a bad break-up reason.
And that all of them are a version of "It's not me, it's you."
Posted by: May at July 9, 2006 9:57 AM
We would be better as enemies (you spend so much time qriping I think you would enjoy this way better).
I don't want you to meet my parents because they are actually giant rabbits both named Harvey (their in love and I don't think we are)
I was really just in love with your pants the whole time (and now I want to discover someone elses)
Your holding me back (I don't want to end up in Clown College)
My head hurts when I'm around you (simple way of saying "so tired of listening to your nagging)
My goal is to become a Duke and you're standing in my way (your just not good enough for me) haha!
Posted by: KimW at July 9, 2006 10:25 AM
Love the excuses!
1. It's me, I'm not ready for commitment (it's you, you're not worth commiting to)
2. We don't have enough in common (you drive me crazy!)
3. We should date other people for a while to see if we really care about each other (I already have someone in mind, and hope you find someone else fast!)
4. You're too nice for me (boring, I mean)
5. And, ok, the ame old boring one of...I just love you as a friend. (I don't love you, now leave me alone!)
Posted by: TeresaH at July 9, 2006 10:49 AM
I once had a guy sit me down and patiently explain, "I think you always loved me more than I love you."
Which was probably true, but not very tactful.
Posted by: Beth at July 9, 2006 5:06 PM
When you can't see the social commentary in Pulp Fiction for the violence, I don't see that we can have a future together (I am never, ever watching another chick flik again and you're history babe)
Posted by: Chez at July 9, 2006 6:54 PM
I think I'm gay (I so don't want to be with you, I'd rather risk my friends' ridicule than stay here one more minute)
And yes, this one comes from personal experience. Only it turned out he really was gay.
Posted by: Cate at July 9, 2006 6:59 PM
I just need a little space- I'm not breaking up with you, I just need some space. (Meaning several things: 1) Your mother is in town tomorrow and I hate listening to the two of you; 2) I want to go to the nudie bar guilt-free; 3) I want to go to Amsterdam guilt-free; 4) I'm going to string you along for a few weeks/months while I line up the next chippie; and- of course- 5) Yes, I AM breaking up with you. Period. Saying it this way just makes me look sensitive and will enable me to find a replacement girlfriend that much sooner.)
Posted by: Katy at July 10, 2006 8:31 AM
I feel that I don't have the time to put into a relationship right now and that's not fair to you.
Meaning you are sucking the life out of me.
Posted by: Maureen at July 10, 2006 1:12 PM
Long distance relationships just never work out (I'm moving far far away to get away from you).
I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else (which is, of course, a version of "It's not you, it's me" which actually means being with you makes me so depressed/pissed/suicidal that I'm ditching you before I stick a knife in my eye)
Posted by: Dia ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at July 11, 2006 9:42 PM
I'm writing the next chapter in the story of my life... and you're not in it.
Posted by: Jocelyn at July 14, 2006 10:02 AM
Forgot to do the MEANING part of the breakup exercise.
BREAKUP LINE:
"I'm writing the next chapter in the story of my life...and you're not in it."
MEANING:
I'm writing the next chapter in the story of my life...and you're not in it.
Posted by: Jocelyn at July 14, 2006 11:07 AM
I got the, "I met someone else" line. Which isn't bad, glad the guy could be honest. But then he proceded to explain that she was more ideal, and how is she more ideal you might ask? Because she quotes lines from movies. What?!? (my response was trying not to let him hear me laughing through the phone) A few weeks later he realized movie quoter wasn't as quite ideal as he thought and wanted to see me again to which i replied "Nobody puts baby in the corner" Oh how I laugh about this there are such foolish men in this difficult dating world.
Posted by: tara at July 17, 2006 2:15 PM
"we cant talk anymore...At least for a while...I need sometime to think".."Nothing is wrong with you it is me"
Meaning: I found some new booty, I don't like you anymore, it is you not me, this is the easy way out.
Posted by: Kirah at July 20, 2006 2:30 PM
1) He says- "We don't share the same goals in life anymore."
He means- "My goal is to have sex with other women, and I'm fairly certain you don't support that."
2) He says- "I need to find myself."
He means- "I need to lose you."
3) He says- "I need to take a step back from our relationship."
He means- "As soon as I get out that door I'm running like hell!"
4)He says- "This relationship is getting too deep for me, and we need to cool off a little."
He means- "I'm moving to Aspen with a ski instructor named Heidi."
5) He says- "I want to see other people, but I don't want to lose you as a friend."
He means- "I want to see other people, but do you think you could still do my laundry?"
Hugs, Zara
Posted by: Zara at July 22, 2006 8:23 AM
I met someone else.
Posted by: pearl at July 25, 2006 7:31 PM
Im a guym and I got the whole its me not you remark and how I need to take time to find who I am/go to college full time without being destracted.
I think that kinda tranlates to
"Im interested in somone else and I'm going to cop out by blurting out a bunch of bs"
Posted by: Hoov3r at August 2, 2006 10:08 PM
