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July 10, 2006

Seven Ways To Lose Your Lover

Well, for Oh Patient One and I over the years, sometimes almost...

And this is all absolutely true. :-)

1. I FORGOT YOU!

My dear mother-in-law (DMIL, whom I love very muchly) has recounted this tale on numerous occasions. Back way back, she went into town for an outing with Oh Patient One age approximately 6 weeks. In those days in Wrexham, Wales, it was the Absolute Done Thing to leave your baby outside the store in their pram to get Fresh Air while you did your shopping. It was considered exceedingly good for the babies' little lungs. But DMIL left the store via a different exit and totally forgot that she actually had a baby...

(Fortunately, when she arrived home and realized that she was missing something, oh, the baby, she went back for him, and there he was. Whew. She didn't do it again, and by the way gave full permission for me to repeat this story.)

And on to...

2. I FORGOT YOU - THE SEQUEL!

A few years ago when Oh Patient One and I were first together and moved into our first joint apartment, we went out in the West End of London with friends. However, on the Victoria Line tube going back home we both fell asleep. We were going to the end of the line. And when we arrived in Walthamstow I woke up and promptly got off the tube, and set off to the new apartment. Shortly along the way I realized that I was missing a something. A someone. Oh Patient One! I backtracked...

We met up on the railway bridge. (It was romantic. Fortunately.)

3. I LOST YOU

Some years ago in London, another Saturday night, Oh Patient One and I were off to meet up with friends in St. John's Wood. We were totally broke, but that could be overcome by cashing a check at the Bureau de Change in Notting Hill Gate (you could cash checks as well as changing foreign currency - the bonus - it would take several days for that check to hit your bank account - I would have my wages in my account the following Monday, so no problemo with bouncing checks and insufficient funds, or anything).

Anyway, even parking in those days was a nightmare, so he dropped me off with a promise to drive around the block until I emerged. With money.

The Bureau de Change was closed...

I assumed (as you do) that Oh Patient One would see that the Bureau was closed, and also assume that I would walk a couple of blocks to the next Bureau on Queensway (as I did - duh - why wouldn't he Read My Mind?). It was open, I got the check cashed: he thought I'd been dragged off into Kensington Gardens and murdered, and that was the end of me. (But we had a happy ending, because I obviously wasn't).

4. YOU'RE GETTING DIVORCED!

Some while ago when I went back to Sheffield to vist my family they assumed that I was getting divorced from Oh Patient One (?). Because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. I had put on 20 pounds and my wedding ring simply didn't fit... (I have subsequently lost the 20 pounds - it's just easier that that way). Mum. Nan. Other Family Members. We are not getting divorced!

5. ALMOST KILLED!

Okay. Here in the Netherlands this is the rule with pedestrian crossings with no traffic-light control: the pedestrian has the right of way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

In reality The Pedestrian (not wanting to die anytime soon) waits until the million-kilometers-per-hour cars stop for them. The other day a million-kilometres-per-hour car DID actually stop for me! I mouthed thanks (dank je wel), I got to the middle of the 2-lane street (you know, 2 lanes going in the same direction), and then SOME BASTARD in the second lane speeded up! He stopped just before the space I would have terminally occupied. I Jumped back just before the space I would have terminally occupied, and gave thanks to the powers that be (imagine all of our favorite curse words) for saving me. And then (whew, I am still alive) SOME BASTARD honked his horn to urge me out of the way. And then he gave me the finger ???

Oh Patient One was already across the road when this happened and had seen the whole thing (I'd stopped to remove a stone from my shoe a bit earlier) and he hugged me tightly. And then he cursed SOME BASTARD loudly. We both hope SOME BASTARD (he knows who he is) develops premature ejaculation. And then is impotent! And then gets crabs!

6. THE MALL ENVIRONMENT

Dear Oh Patient One! And Dear DMIL! They both have a great sense of direction but in relation only to self and compass point. (I.e., don't know where anyone else is/intends to be - I only know where I am/intend to be). When in a social situaition like a mall, Oh Patient One strides off purposely in one direction, DMIL strides off in the other.

I go for coffee.

They find me in the end, LOL.

7. FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING

In town, going for lunch.

Oh Patient One: "Have you decided what you want to eat?"

Me (about 2 days after the near-death-on-ped-Xing crossing incident: "But I could HAVE DIED!"

Oh Patient One: "???"

Well, I take my time with this stuff, don't you? ;-)

Michelle

This blog was brought to you by Seven Ways to Lose Your Lover, Alesia’s hilarious new novel about a woman who learns to be true to her heart – even when her heart feels like a traitor.

Posted by Michelle at 1:35 PM