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August 1, 2006

How to make a 90 Minute Flight Last 13 Hours

Hey Chickletinas--Thanks for having me!

I finished up the book tour for Between, Georgia last week---a month of city to city to city. I missed my husband and my little kids. I missed my one-eyed, obese cat. I even missed my relentless humping Gerbils who made more Gerbils TWICE because my friend the internet said NOT to remove the male because he was needed to help raise the litter, and then he knocked up her up AGAIN 15 minutes after she gave birth. Which. No. Just no.

I mean, think about it...You've given birth to the last of your octuplets, and he's going to come at you with bedroom eyes and be all, like, "Hey, Sugartail, want to go 'run in the wheel.'" LORD. I'd wait til he was sleeping and then bean him with an Aspen chip and drown him in the water bottle like the Farrah Fawcett of Gerbilkind. BUT I EVEN MISSED THEM, that's how much missing was going on.

And while the TOUR itself was AWESOME (I loved having the chance to meet readers and booksellers and librarians) the PLANE RIDES were...not awesome. Sample Not-Awesomeness: Because I'd done two tours before, I didn't think to remind Travel that I WRITE under my maiden name but LIVE and DRIVE under my married name. They booked all my flights in my maiden name. We got it straightened out, but the result of the name change was a security flag that got me felt up in every airport in the Southern states. But what are a few fingers in my bra, really, in comparison to the 90 minute final flight home that took over 13 hours?

UPON THAT FATEFUL MORNING! I got up at around 4 am and got to the St. Louis airport a good hour and a half early, to make sure I had time for security to touch me inappropriately and rifle through my underpants and confiscate the corkscrew I had carefully hidden in my exercise shorts in case emergency wine drinking was called for. Then I breezed through security entirely unmolested, corkscrew and all, and had 90 minutes to sit by the gate. FINE! And I'd worn my black lace half slip, too...

I finished my book and became bored, so I decided to go ahead and be REALLY obnoxious; I screwed my Blue Tooth into my ear and called my friend Lydia for a long luxurious gossip. "BlahBlahBlah, Blah!!! Blah?" said I to Lydia. "Blahblahblah Blahbbitty blah!" said Lydia back. Lather, rinse, repeat. Blue Tooth was hiding in my long hair. People passing by either rolled their eyes at yet ANOTHER obnoxious Blue Tooth Yapper, or crossed to the far side of the walkway, assuming I was completely off meds talking to myself.

Fifteen minutes before take off, and we had not boarded yet...The captain came out.

What the captain SHOULD have said: "Folks, there's a slight delay as we work out a tiny and completely inconsequential mechanical problem with the plane. Sit tight, we'll be on our way ASAP!"

What the captain actually said: "Folks, our de-icing valve in the tail is not working, and Major Airline wants to ground us but, I think that's silly. I mean, what are the chances ice is going to get on the tail? We're flying to ATLANTA, not ANTARCTICA. Although, okay, I see Major Airline's point. I mean, if ice DID get on the tail and we didn't have a de-icing valve, Whew-whee! That would be bad. Very bad. But, you know, we are flying SOUTH and it's not like it's RAINING, even though the forecast calls for rain, I am LOOKING and I don't SEE rain. Well, I don't see any right NOW, so, you know, I'm thinking it will probably be okay. If I can just convince Major Airline that we'll be fine if we take on extra fuel and fly really low...Otherwise, we'll have to wait until they fly the part HERE from Atlanta so, that's like 90 minutes out of your day, but I really do think we don’t need that valve. For THIS flight. Probably. So. Let me go argue with Major Airline...

What Lydia is said in my ear as we listened to the Captain: "Is that the captain explaining why you are delayed? ..... Is that STILL the captain explaining why you are delayed? ....IS THAT HIM STILL EXPLAINING? … What is WRONG with him? … Did he just say you would PROBABLY be okay?... Does he think he is in THERAPY? Is he working out his ISSUES? ... OMG IS HE STILL EXPLAINING???

What the ear listening to the captain heard: " If you get on this faulty, broken plane, you will probably die. Just saying!"

What the ear listening to Lydia heard: "The captain is a big ol' crazy mansy. Dart him and tag him and ship him to Arkham, but if he is the pilot, then for the LOVE OF GOD do NOT get on that plane. Even a plane flown by Papa Smurf would be better, and Papa Smurf is 2 inches high. And IMAGINARY.

Whoops, I have blathered onandonandon… I’m already WAY over the word count Lani gave me, so I will shut up. DID I GET ON THAT ILL FATED FLIGHT? Come back next Tuesday for Part Deux, tentatively titled “In Which I Save the Lives of at Least 20 Babies. And One Dog.”

OH! WAIT! I wanted to real quick invite you to join me in the Barnes and Noble book club discussion of BETWEEN, GEORGIA, It starts in a week, and the thing I find ESPECIALLY cool about this program is that my editor has written all the jumping off discussion questions and given her take on the book. How often do you get to have a book club meeting with the author that the book's EDITOR had such a big hand in? Hint: never. It ought to be a blast, so come on with your bad self. If you haven't read the book yet, that's okay. We'll be reading it and discussing it in pieces as we go.

Posted by at 5:12 AM | Comments (8)

Comments

Posted by: Lani at August 1, 2006 6:40 AM

Posted by: Sheri at August 1, 2006 11:14 AM

Posted by: Heather Cook at August 1, 2006 11:47 AM

Posted by: Michelle C at August 1, 2006 11:59 AM

Posted by: dee at August 1, 2006 3:06 PM

Posted by: Barb at August 1, 2006 4:32 PM

Posted by: dee at August 1, 2006 7:29 PM

Posted by: Eileen at August 2, 2006 9:43 AM