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August 13, 2006
Oreos: A hard-hitting exposé
The truth never tasted so good
Last month I discovered Nirvana in a blue foil wrapper: Oreo Dunkers (limited edition!), which are a new, and in my opinion, vastly improved version of the classic cookie. They’re oblong, see, so as to maximize dunking potential, and contain the perfect cookie-to-filling ratio.
I’ve never been much of a dunker, myself; I’m one of those purists who believes in dismantling the entire cookie and eating each piece in a distinct, never-varying order. My least favorite part is the white “crème” filling, which always tastes kinda lardy. As for Double-Stufs…why? I always wondered when the No-Stufs were coming out—all chocolate, no crème.
Anyway, I bought a box (or three) of the new Dunkers and was inexplicably overwhelmed with the urge to submerge them in milk. Then I poured some fat-free, organic milk (N.B.: this balances out the nutritional effects of consuming Oreos with wild abandon) and dunked me a cookie.
OMG. I am a convert.
Why have I been depriving myself all these years? Oreos and milk are like…like yin and yang. Wrigley Field and the Cubs. Ebony and ivory! They really do live together in perfect harmony!
And now I am screwed because I can never go back to regular round Oreos again. But the Dunker supply isn’t gonna last forever. What’s a junkie to do??? It’s bad enough that they don’t have Dunkin’ Donuts out here! When will the tragedy end?
Wait. I am starting to notice that all my junk food addictions cravings involve the term “dunk.” What would Freud have to say about that? Well, we know what Nabisco would say, because it turns out they have already conducted a vast longitudinal study on their consumers and have generated psychological profiles for each type of cookie consumer. Here’s what it says about “Twisters”, i.e., me:
TWISTERS “Warm & Fuzzy”
Twisters are the sensitive type and tend to be a bit emotional. They love animals and cry at drama movies. They are especially artistic and adverse to sports. Twisters are extremely trendy and always on the leading edge of fashion. They are young at heart, often acting like a big kid. Professionally, they are very talented, goal oriented, planners capable of seeing the big picture. Preferring to be a big fish in a little pond, Twisters aspire to own their own business.
Translation: cry-baby attention whores.
Hmm. Well, I do like animals, I admit that. And I might occasionally tend to over-plan. But warm and fuzzy? Emotional? Crying at movies? Come on. I never cry at movies. Only every other episode of Alias and, um, every single episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Sigh. Charlotte York-ed again.
So what about you? Confess the deep, dark secrets revealed by your Oreo profile. I’ll be over here, bingeing and weeping over Hallmark commercials.
update: here are the other two profiles, to save you having to click over to another site. We aim to please!
DUNKERS “Danger Zone”
Dunkers are the life of the party. They define the “in-crowd” and strive to be the most popular and best looking at any gathering. They are high-energy athletic types who thrive on adventure and live for the thrill of the moment, making them unpredictable by nature and proponents of change and variety. Extremely social beings, Dunkers prefer the excitement and energy of the big city. They are more likely to be sexy and romantic with a wild imagination. Professionally, they tend to be workaholics and control freaks causing them to be anxious “worry warts” at the office. They enjoy action movies, listen to rock music, drive sports cars and prefer to vacation in the Caribbean.
BITERS “Toe the Line”
Biters are carefree and easy-going, preferring not to make waves. Their laid back attitude makes them adverse to risk and totally predictable. Their need for consistency and structure makes them very family oriented with a strong sense of tradition, values, patriotism and spiritual conviction. They are very intelligent with an air of self-confidence and eternal optimism. The ideal company man, Biters tend to be overly organized, opposed to change and experience the least amount of stress at the office. They enjoy comedies, listen to classical music, drive a mini-van and prefer to travel within the United States.
Posted by Beth at 10:58 PM | Comments (16)
Comments
I so can't believe I'm admitting to being a "Biter"!! And ok, some of it fits. SOME. At work, I don't make waves. However, I'm NOT predictable, nor adverse to risk. I kinda need structure(d chaos!), and AM very family oriented, and all that other jazz. Of COURSE I am very intelligent ;>) and optimistic. Not organized or opposed to change, do not believe in stress at work. Enjoy comedies, MOST music, drive whatever has gas in my driveway, and will travel ANYWHERE that I can get a ticket to go.
Really can't get over being called a "Biter" though. That just sounds so...wrong. Twisted. Bizarre. And yeah, I guess, totally ME!
Posted by: dee at August 13, 2006 11:16 PM
Yup, I'm a biter. I'm going to ignore the "risk-averse and totally predictable" part and focus on the "very intelligent with an air of self-confidence and eternal optimism," which I would like to think is totally me.
Posted by: Janet at August 13, 2006 11:53 PM
Okay, so I'm clearly a DUNKER - or at least I was, pre-kids, when I thought nothing of dropping everything to backpack around the Caribbean for 6 weeks with a man I'd just met. We snorkeled to catch fish to EAT, for God's sake. DUNKER=Adrenaline-junkie control freak.
Now? I'm more of a COUCHER. Or NAPPER. If I ever had the time . . . and I love the white stuff in the middle, no double-stuffs, that's just gross.
But I prefer iced oatmeal cookies dunked in hot, sweet, milky tea. :)
Posted by: Alesia Holliday ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at August 14, 2006 8:53 AM
(but I still listen to loud music and drive a sports car. hee)
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at August 14, 2006 8:55 AM
I dunk, but I don't see myself as a dunker. I am so not a workaholic and I drive a minivan which should make me a biter except that I'm no that smart. I don't twist, but I do cry at movies although I'm a fashion mess. I think I need another category.
Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 14, 2006 12:21 PM
Ooooh I am frightfully like the other Eileen except I drive a VW bug. When life gets really bad allow me to recommend the following: Melt chocolate (high end or mere chips) add a drop or two of mint oil flavoring. Dunk Oreos in chocolate goo- allow to harden- enjoy. mmmmmm
Posted by: Eileen at August 14, 2006 6:57 PM
Okay, I have met the other Eileen and she is delightful, but she has totally frightful taste in fattening snacks. Adding mint to chocolate is like . . . well, it's like something bad, but everything I can come up with sounds too strident even to me and I feel really really strongly about no mint in my chocolate.
The LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 15, 2006 12:07 AM
LC Eileen--
You are wrong. Just wrong. Egregiously, unequivocally wrong. Chocolate and mint is scrumptious. Have you ever had Harry and David's peppermint truffles? Heavenly!
Posted by: Beth at August 15, 2006 12:15 AM
I'm totally a Twister. Not surprising that I'm with Beth on the grossness of the white stuff. However, I always preferred Hydrox cookies. I wonder if they make those anymore.
Just got Exes and Ohs, and, as soon as I read it, I'll be posting a Beth Kendrick reviewathon! Love your books!
Posted by: ZaZa at August 15, 2006 3:11 AM
Ok, I'm a biter, what can I say...
Posted by: TeresaH at August 15, 2006 7:50 AM
Sorry, Beth, the only exception to the chocolate and mint rule are Frangos from Marshall Fields.
The LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 15, 2006 10:09 AM
LC Eileen,
Whaddaya crazy? Chocolate and mint SO go together!Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies are like little round, crispy orgasms. I would sell my only child into slavery for a box of them right now. Actually, I'd want at least three boxes in exchange for Stinky Boy.
Posted by: Janina at August 15, 2006 12:01 PM
Sorry, Janina, I've never been a fan of the Thin Mint. Those kinda gooey ones with the coconut and the fudge stripe? Now those have got it going on.
The LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 15, 2006 12:48 PM
LC Eileen,
Those are called Samoas as in, "I want Samoa them cookies!" and you are correct. They do indeed have got it going on.
Posted by: Janina at August 15, 2006 1:37 PM
I have never cared to dunk cookies or whatever because 1)the cookie gets soggy and 2)they leave crumbs in the milk. However, I saw a t-shirt today that if it came in my size I would have bought, and it kind of goes along with this dunking theme--"I use to skinny dip but now I chunky dunk"! That says it all...
Posted by: Sheri at August 15, 2006 10:35 PM
See, Sheri, I like it when the cookie gets soggy. I sometimes leave the chocolate graham cracker package open so they'll get stale. The crumby milk/coffee is a problem though.
The LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 17, 2006 12:49 PM
