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August 23, 2006
Bouncing Yellow Boxes
It's not that I don't love them. It's just that I'd enjoy them so much more if, occasionally, they went somewhere else.
I'm having horrible Mommy guilt. Of course, 99.9% of Mommy guilt is horrible. Coincidentally, I'd say about 99.9% of it is also really stupid. For instance, one of the classic qualities of Mommy guilt is that, like a Bee Gee's 45 (for those of you who are unfathomably young, that's a record, not a gun, and please don't ask me what a record is) it has two sides, and if you're not on one, you're on the other. For instance:
Classic Mommy Guilt Side A: I'm not spending enough time with the children. I have to encourage their tiny inner sensibilities and help them discover who they are, or they'll never be productive members of society.
Classic Mommy Guilt Side B: I'm spending too much time with the children. I'm smothering them. They need to find and express themselves on their own or they'll never be productive members of society.
Aside: I find it interesting that there's no such animal as Daddy guilt. Either he works to support the family, in which case he feels he's done his part, or he's a deadbeat. That's it. Lucky bastards.
Anyway, I try not to indulge in Mommy Guilt too much. I think it's stupid, destructive, and stems from unrealistic expectations we as women and mothers put on ourselves to mold the perfect child because the world sees that child as a reflection of us - not the dads, noooooo, us, lucky bastards - and we don't want to be seen as failures in the most important job in the world.
Pffft. Whatever. If my kids grow up to move out of my house and live mildly productive lives that don't include illegal methods of procuring a living, I'm okay. Happy, healthy, mildly productive. Those are really my standards. I find everyone benefits from a low bar.
Anyway. As I said, I'm not big on Mommy guilt. But, lately, there's been a stirring inside of me. A low hum of excitement. A constant countdown in my head. I dream of big yellow boxes on wheels gleefully bouncing down the street, stopping at my door and...
... it almost makes me tear up to say it...
... taking my children away.
This September marks the first year in which both Sweetness and Light will be attending that most wonderful of institutions: Public school. And, in this new school district, there's full-day kindergarten. So you know what that means, right? That means that basically, right now, I'm like a prisoner looking at parole, with the only real differences being a) that prisoners get to go outside for an hour a day, and b) when my big day comes, I won't immediately go out and knock over a liquor store.
Well, probably not. My point is, that I'm very much like a child in the days before Christmas. My first thought when my eyes gently flutter open in the morning is, "Is it here yet?" When Sweetness and Light run around my legs, trying to kill each other with whatever toy-turned-weapon is handy, I close my eyes and visualize the bouncing yellow box.
I, literally, cannot wait. Now, it's not that I don't love Sweetness and Light, because I do. I enjoy them. I think they're great kids, and if anyone ever tried to take them away from me for good, they'd have to go through my dead body to do it.
But for six hours a day? Oh, yes, I say. Take them.
And for this, I have the tiniest nudge of guilt. I feel like I should be sad, or nostalgic for the halcyon days of constant, grubby-handed companionship and enthusiastic, cut-off-my-air-supply hugs from small children who think the world begins and ends with me. I know that the countdown is also carrying me ever so swiftly to the days when they will come home from school, go straight to their rooms, slam their doors, and tell me to leave them alone when I gently knock. The days are coming when they will think I'm an idiot, want nothing to do with me, and answer my lovingly phrased, "How was your day, honey?" with "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
The guilt comes from the fact that, as I realize this, my only emotional reaction is, "Well, hey. At least I'll be able to take an uninterrupted shower. Possibly sneak out and catch a matinee." And at the thought, my little heart goes pitter-pat with excitement.
So bring it on, big bouncing yellow box. T-minus fourteen days, dude.
Posted by Lani at 6:18 AM | Comments (18)
Comments
I'm in the middle of the "Mom is an ancient idiot" stage right now. And you know what, it's not so bad. I have three daughters, 12,13,and 15. Somedays I look in the mirror and think, maybe I really am stupid, lol. Mostly I'm a glorified chauffer. What I'm dreading is when they all start driving and...gasp, don't really need me at all. Aside from gas money. Enjoy your free time, because as soon as they come home from school they'll be following into the bathroom and hanging on you the rest of the day to tell you every detail of their day. Sigh, teenagers and they STILL follow me into the bathroom, lol. You know, I'll probably miss that one day.
Posted by: berni at August 23, 2006 7:45 AM
I always think of that office supply store commercial with the mother and father wandering the aisles, putting notebooks and calculators in the cart while "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" plays in the background.
Things One and Two go back one week from today. This year, they will both be going to the same school and have the same schedule. This is wonderful for many reasons, but mainly I'm looking forward to Late Start Wednesday when school doesn't start until 9:20! Can you say sleep in? I can!
The LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at August 23, 2006 9:42 AM
We talked about this yesterday, so you KNOW I'm there with you. September 5th is the day angels descend and play harp music. 7 hours a day, baby. 7 entire hours per day to work, breathe, or even take a nap without the background chorus of constant "we're bored, ENTERTAIN US NOW" bickering.
Sept. 5, baby. Bring it on.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at August 23, 2006 9:43 AM
LATE START WEDNESDAY???? oh my God, I am so jealous. we have to get up at 6:30 because the bus comes at 7:15. Which is just WRONG. I am NOT a morning person, but usually I go to the gym and then by 9 or so I'm human enough to write.
Late Start Wednesday. Wow.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at August 23, 2006 9:46 AM
Late Start Wednesday is every bit as awesome as it sounds. The problem was that last year Thing Two didn't have Late Start Wednesday. He had Early Release Wednesday which meant that he got out of school at 1:30. Between one starting late and the other getting home early, Wednesday was sort of a lost cause.
The LCE
Posted by: Eileen at August 23, 2006 9:52 AM
First day of school is TODAY, baby! Yeah! My boys soooo need to get away from one another for awhile!
As for Daddy guilt, I hate to say this, but DH has it in spades. He works a lot, so he feels like he is not spending as much time with them as he should. (I should note he makes up for it when he is at home.) Also, he works one week days, one week nights, so on his nights week, he doesn't see the kids except for about 10 minutes total. I think he actually has more guilt than I do!
Of course, then I get the guilt of he works all the time and I only work 32 hours a week. YARG!
Posted by: Cate at August 23, 2006 9:56 AM
I'm right there with you! Mine aren't old enough for full time but I'll take the half time preschool over nothing! LOL My son is so excited he has a countdown ring chain- I look at it for a different reason of excitement. ;) I never thought I would believe the summer felt so long until I had children.
Posted by: Amber at August 23, 2006 10:17 AM
I'm having horrible mommy guilt right now because I just discovered that Middle School orientation occurred while hubby was gone and I didn't get the local paper, which is the only place it was publicized. (Okay, there's a healthy bit of annoyance at the school administration, too, but that doesn't make the mommy guilt go away.)
But looking forward to that bus coming this very next Monday morning? Not feeling guilty about that at all. Hey, I looked forward to school starting when I was a kid, so surely I'm just happy for my kids, right?
Posted by: Darla at August 23, 2006 11:51 AM
Yep, 2 weeks from today, too, down on this stretch of the lovely NYS Thruway, and I can't decide whether I'll be doing a dance of glee immediately after they get on the bus, or collapsing into a pile and taking a 6-hour nap. Let's meet up for a virtual drink!
Eileen, Late Start Wednesday would be totally wasted around here, because my children do not know how to sleep in. They do not grasp the concept AT ALL, and no matter how late they sleep, they almost always get up at the same time. Urgh.
Posted by: Rebecca at August 23, 2006 1:08 PM
I'm practically rolling here laughing. I have zero mommy guilt about wanting them back in school. I have 3 girls, 7,9 and 15 and all adhd.
When they're not inventing let's drive mom crazy games, the younger two are fighting or the oldest is yelling at them to leave her stuff alone. I don't think my house has ever been louder than it has this summer.
I think the first day of school I may do nothing but sit and enjoy the peace... a trip to the liquor store may be in order, but I'd pay for the champagne. ;)
Posted by: Lorie Hartt at August 23, 2006 1:09 PM
I’m swimming in Mommy Guilt.
Sam started part-time nursery school two weeks ago, and every day when I drop him off he looks up at me with these big sad eyes, his lip trembling just a little, and I know exactly what he’s thinking: Why are you deserting me?
And every day, my heart breaks just a little when I have to leave him.
Posted by: Whitney at August 23, 2006 1:58 PM
Hang in there, Whitney. Before you know it, he'll be giving you the "don't let the door hit you on your way out" look instead of the desertion look.
Rebecca, Thing Two has only just discovered the joys of sleeping in. I am truly blessed.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at August 23, 2006 3:28 PM
As a single working mom, I get away from my monster daily, so I have THAT guilt. No guilt about school, we're both excited.
We have Early Release Wednesday. Even if it was Late Start Wednesday I couldn't do it. I work from 0600-1430 EVERY. DAY. Getting up sucks, but getting home by 1500 is AWESOME! And now I can pick The Widget UP instead of drop off (which was his request).
Oh, and to compound Evil Working Mommy Guilt, I have Beg The Neighbor To Drive My Kid To School Guilt :-/
If I start drinking, will the guilt go away? If so, pass me an amaretto sour, please >:)
Posted by: Jen at August 23, 2006 7:41 PM
Gah, of course I meant to say "no matter what time they go to sleep, they almost always get up at the same time."
Perhaps after September 6th, I'll be able to write a coherent sentence again.
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca at August 23, 2006 7:44 PM
Wow, it looks like all of you have a much later first day of school than we do here in Oklahoma. My girls went back last Thursday. I work, so they actually get home before me. Hmm, I wonder if the have "kid" guilt about enjoying their time without me...
Posted by: Berni at August 23, 2006 8:49 PM
I use to cry on the first day of school. Really. They always looked so cute with their big backpacks and little lunch boxes, hair in pigtails, big smiles on their faces as they waved at me from the classroom doors... Not any more, baby! Today was my birthday, and I told them that they were giving me the best birthday present ever--today was also their first day back at school!!! Yippee!! Somehow they didn't find my glee very amusing... But I was a good mom and I took them to school for their first day instead of making them ride the bus. I even picked them up afterwards because I stayed in town and worked on my aunt's computer and she took me out to lunch to celebrate. Usually I have to work on their first day of school, so having the time off this year was really nice. The Boy starts back on Monday, so next week I think I may get a couple of days of absolutey no kids before I have to go back to work on the 1st. I can hardly wait!! Woo-hoo!! I have a TBR pile just waiting for me!
Posted by: Sheri at August 24, 2006 1:00 AM
"... every day when I drop him off he looks up at me with these big sad eyes, his lip trembling just a little, and I know exactly what he’s thinking: Why are you deserting me?"
I did not need to hear that, Whitney. I rang to enquire about a mother and toddler group recently and they said, 'Oh, you don't have to stay - we take them from age 2, no problem' and my lip trembled and I said in a small voice, 'But I don't think I'm ready to leave him yet.'
And the lovely woman said I can stay if I want for as long as I want. Although I think a few mornings with 30 or so extra toddlers might cure me.
Posted by: Keris at August 24, 2006 1:33 AM
Seeing a movie in the middle of the day is one of the most wonderful and subversive things in the world. Why this is important to me, I do not know, but when I go see a movie in the middle of the day, I DON'T TELL ANYBODY before I go. So there's this 2-hour stretch where no one in the world who knows me knows or could really guess where I am. I love this feeling, like being lost on purpose in another country.
Posted by: Laura Fitzgerald at August 25, 2006 1:35 PM
