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September 16, 2006

Me and My Big Mouth

A marriage made in hell

I feel pretty lucky to say that I don't have a lot of regrets. Not that I've never done anything phenomenally stupid - I think you all know me too well to believe that - but unless I've done something phenomenally stupid that did something irreversible, like kill someone's dog, I tend to view my total screw-ups as opportunities for education. I kind of treasure my mistakes, all gazillion and ten of them, because I learned something from them all, and so they have value for me. Most of them, given the chance, I wouldn't go back and change. Well, except the time I accidentally almost blew up a can-can girl during a show at the old west theme park where I used to be a pyrotechnician.

(Speaking of which - Monica. If you're out there reading this, sorry, babe. Those eyebrows ever grow back?)

Anyway, out of all the things I would really change if given the chance, the list is pretty small. Monica and her eyebrows, of course, top the list. There was the episode where I dated a fundamentalist Christian. Not that I've got anything against strong spiritual beliefs, but the only way there could be a couple less well-matched than the two of us would be if Oprah started dating Pee Wee Herman. I also had a brief but ill-advised flirtation with selling scrapbooking supplies. I mean, scrapbooking's great and everything, but I am very possibly the worst salesperson ever. I can't charge people money for stuff. I'd end up giving them everything I could for free, or at-cost, so eventually I went broke and had to quit. It wasn't the brightest business decision, although I do still have about $600 worth of scrapbooking supplies in my closet. They're gonna be really useful when I finally get around to doing Light's baby book.

But really, when it comes down to it, my regrets have less to do with what I've done than what I've said. I don't know if you can tell this from my personality, but I have a mouth that spews stupid 24/7. It's always the first thing to enter a room and the last thing to leave. While I can recall the strip-poker-under-black-lights incident without anything more than a chuckle, when I think about what I've actually said to actual people, I physically cringe. Topping the charts in the Lani's Big Mouth Hit Parade are:

Delaware's not a state. It's a river. In Maryland.
-- Said during my freshman year in a room full of people who TO THIS DAY will not let me forget that not only is Delaware a state, it's the first state. (Hi, Bob.)

So, when are you due?
-- This is a classic. Said, of course, to a woman who was not pregnant.

The thing that I don't understand are the people who smoke while walking around with an oxygen tank. It's like, "Cancer's not enough. When I go out, it's gonna take both a carcinoma and an explosion."
-- Just as I said this, a woman with an oxygen tank walked right by me and my friend, and I felt appropriately like a complete ass. It's very bad for your karma to make fun of people with oxygen tanks. Just thought I'd pass that little lesson along.

What I'd like to know is why they have us blowing up wooden buildings that are 80 years old with no sprinkler systems. This whole place is going to burn down. Bill's an idiot.
-- This said about the old west theme park, three weeks before I left and six weeks before the place burned to the ground because of a stray cigarette and the place not being up to code. Also, this was said with my boss, Bill, (not his real name, dig me and my fancy legal footwork, Alesia) standing right behind me. So, I don't really regret this so much as wish that Bill had actually done more than give me dirty looks when I said it. Still, it's pretty classic Lani.

Oh, my God. There's a game on?
-- Said to my good friend Babs, who despite the nickname is actually a guy, when I called him during the NCAA championship game in which Syracuse was playing. This was while I was attending Syracuse University, and campus was dead because everyone who wasn't at the game was watching it.

So, what? No suspenders?
-- Said to Larry King, Jr. (his real name; sorry, Alesia, but I have to roll the legal dice or the joke won't work) when he was my boss. He laughed, but I could tell by the deep disdain in his eyes that he'd heard that one maybe once or twice before. FYI, making fun of your boss's famous dad? Not the way to win points.

Shh. Don't tell them about the explosives in my carry-on.
-- Said while pointing at the "It is illegal to joke about weapons" sign at the security gate in the Anchorage airport. This was about eight years pre-9/11, but still phenomenally stupid. My best friend Tracy and I kept joking about it, and Fish and her boyfriend Bob had to physically separate us before we got arrested.

There, of course, are thousands more, but we only have so much space. What about you? What's the stupidest thing you've ever said? Share, share. It can't just be me.

Please. Let it not just be me.

This blog was brought to you by I Did, But I Wouldn't Now, Cara's hilarious novel about loving, leaving and starting over again.

Posted by Lani at 6:12 AM | Comments (6)

Comments

Posted by: Alesia Holliday at September 16, 2006 12:29 PM

Posted by: Jen at September 16, 2006 4:26 PM

Posted by: Cindi at September 16, 2006 7:05 PM

Posted by: Eileen at September 17, 2006 4:14 PM

Posted by: Sheri at September 18, 2006 4:22 PM

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at September 18, 2006 9:04 PM