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September 28, 2006

“If I had a million dollars…”

Or, better yet, 57.5 million dollars

I just watched a show on E! called The Curse of the Lottery, which documents the rise and fall of 10 recent real-life Powerball winners. These people all initially thought that hitting the jackpot would solve all their problems, but in fact, 9 out of 10 wound up wretched and bankrupt. They developed dangerous substance addictions, their marriages imploded, they lost friends and family over financial disputes. Yes, dear readers (I’m putting on my very somber E!: True Hollywood Story announcer voice here), the dream became a nightmare.

Since I don’t watch My Name Is Earl, the first thing I thought of while watching The Curse of the Lottery was a short story by Dorothy Parker called "The Standard of Living." (You can find it in The Best of Dorothy Parker, which I highly recommend to anyone who loves good writing and a good laugh.) In the story, two young girls fantasize about what they’d buy if they inherited one million dollars. The inheritance came with many stipulations, one of which was that they must spend all the money on themselves. No charities, no lavish gifts; nothing but pure, unadulterated self-indulgence.

Of course, Dorothy Parker was writing in the 1920’s, and what with inflation and all, a million bucks doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to. Luckily, lotto windfalls can climb into the 50 million range and beyond. Which brings us to today's question: if you won $57.5 million dollars (tax free—shut it, you LC lawyers, I don’t want to hear it!), what would you buy?

Here is a little sample of the conversation that ensued at Chez Kendrick:

Me: First thing I’d do is remodel the master bathroom to look just like Gabrielle’s in Desperate Housewives. With the huge, free-standing tub in the middle. Oh, how I covet that bathroom. And lots of high-end vintage handbags. And my dream car: the new Volvo XC70.

Mr. Tall: You dream car is a glorified station wagon? For real?

Me: Yeah! It’s safe, super cute and has lots of room for the dogs.

Mr. Tall: My dream car’s a 1964 Valiant convertible. Powder blue. I’d restore it myself, then drive it all over town.

Me: But there’s no room for the dogs in a convertible.

Mr. Tall: Exactly. Then, let’s see, I’d get a golf cart, of course, and a thirty-foot sailboat

Me: But…you realize we live in Arizona, right? Completely landlocked?

Mr. Tall: Yeah, but I’d keep the sailboat in the Marina del Rey [near Los Angeles] yacht club. If we had $57.5 mil, we could afford the slip fee.

Me: But you’re a total workaholic. When are you going to have time to get all the way out to L.A. to go sailing?

Mr. Tall: I’ll have our pilot standing by on all my days off.

Me: "Our pilot?"

Mr. Tall: Yeah, for our private jet that we’ll buy.

Me: Whoa, there, buddy, we are NOT buying a private jet!

Mr. Tall: Sure, we are. We have $57.5 million dollars.

Me: That’s not enough to buy a private jet. Do you have any idea what the upkeep costs are for a private jet? Fuel, crew salaries, airport storage, FAA fees?

Mr. Tall: Oh my God.

Me: You have to be, like, a billionaire to afford a private jet. Like Bill Gates or the Sultan of Brunei. $57.5 million is below the poverty line for private jet owners.

Mr. Tall: Tom Cruise has a private jet, and he’s not a billionaire.

Me: I’m sure his studio underwrites part of his jet expenses. Besides, how do you know he’s not a billionaire? He makes a ton of cash from producing. He gets a percentage of his film’s net earnings, you know. DVDs, global merchandising…

Mr. Tall: Why are we talking about Tom Cruise?

Me: We’re not. I’m just saying, how is it fair that I’m driving a Volvo and you have a damn private jet?

Mr. Tall: You WANTED that Volvo!

Me: Yeah, well, the repo man came and took it back. We’re gonna be bankrupt, thanks to you. All those millions of dollars down the toilet of your precious jet. Now we’re broke and a cautionary tale on E! I hope you’re happy.

Mr. Tall: …

Me: …

I am sorry to report that things only went downhill from there, because we got back into the infamous nose job debate, which, come to think of it, was also E!'s fault. But don't let us rain on your $57.5 million parade. What would you spoil yourself with? A chef? A diamond tiara? Trip around the world? Dream big!

Posted by Beth at 1:37 AM | Comments (12)

Comments

Oooh...I can't shop to save my life, but here goes...

I'd pay off all my bills (including my house) and be the stay-at-home-mom I and Jacob want me to be. I'd pay off family's debts, share some with friends.

Go to Ireland and never return.

Build myself my dream craft room/building. And believe it or not, I want a garage for "fixing stuff".

I'd buy Jacob a car to drive when he turns 16.

I'd buy him and my nephew college educations...anywhere they wanted to go.

Gee, what does that get me to, MAYBE 2 million?!? Great and I'm tapped too

I so suck at shopping quizzes LOL

Posted by: Jen at September 28, 2006 9:52 AM

Topping the list would be a new (and much larger) house, regardless of the newly remodeled kitchen I currently have.

New cars for myself and hubby.

College fund for the kidlet and my great-nephew (and any subsequent ones that come along).

Kick-ass family vacation for the entire family (siblings, nieces/nephews and spouses, etc.)

Personal trainer.

Posted by: Dia [TypeKey Profile Page] at September 28, 2006 1:43 PM

We recently got the lottery here in North Carolina. You would not believe the ruckus it caused, catch phrases, such as "evil gambling money" for "education" - no way. But that's a whole other rant.

So I have been contemplating what I'd do when I hit it big.

#1 - Take a trip around the world - literally. I'd start in New York and work my way around the planet.

#2 - Buy a flat in London my most favorite city in the world so that I could go there whenever I wanted.

#3 - Pay off my mortgage

#4 - Get a red Ferrari.

#5 - Hire a housekeeper/cook

That about it for now. I do keep adding to the list. LOL

Posted by: Cindi at September 28, 2006 2:15 PM

Oh, man. What would I do? Pay off bills, absolutely. Re-do the backyard, which now spots a big gaping sand pit where the f***ing pool was. Then...

... a family summer in the English countryside.

... maid service for the rest of my natural life.

... new cars for me and Fish.

That about covers it. I'm a simple girl, I am. :)

Posted by: Lani [TypeKey Profile Page] at September 28, 2006 5:01 PM

First, I luvs that song. It just makes me laugh.
I've spent an enormous amount of time spending my imaginary lottery winnings. Here's what I've come up with so far...
-Become debt-free (that would take about $750,000 after the 2 mortgages and the cars were paid)
-Buy yet another house, this one on a beach in either N. or S. Carolina. I would want to design this one myself, so I had my very own writing room, complete with a door with a LOCK on it!
-New furniture for ALL of my houses
-1967 convertible Mustang (my dream car)
-European vacation that lasted as long as it took for my new house to be built
-College funds for all 6 of my wee ones
-Wedding funds for all 4 of my girls

Of course, I really want a villa in Italy. Think I'd still have enough money? Geez, I sure hope so!

Posted by: dee at September 29, 2006 12:35 AM

The lotto. I spend a lot of time planning how I would spend my lotto millions if I won. Everynow and then I even remember to buy a ticket. If I had millions to spend, I would:
- help family in need (i.e. college funds) anonymously of course to keep from becoming another E! lotto cautionary tale.
- His and Hers Ford F-350s to finally put an end to the 'Its my turn to drive the truck' argument
- establish a horse fund to generate interest income to pay for all my horsey expenses
- hunting land for him/horsey land for me
- a house in WI and a condo in Vail
- a great dane

Posted by: catsmeow at September 29, 2006 11:46 PM

California has had the lottery for years, and our schools are STILL broke--like to know where all that money is going... But I too have spent time thinking "What if...":

1)I would buy a horse ranch in Colorado or Idaho or Montana. I would raise paints and Mustangs--I would have a part of the ranch dedicated to wild Mustangs that have to be moved from their home range due ot over-population.

2)Obviously I would pay off all of our debts and make sure that everyone had a car/truck to drive that they liked.

3)College education funds...

4)A beach house somewhere down near Santa Barbara to vacation in and write at.

5)Computers/laptops for everyone in my family.

6) I would also start raising dogs of some sort--so many breeds that I really love, it would be hard to pick just one, but I think I would limit myself to maybe two--one large, one smaller--and then concentrate of having the best!

7)And yes, the new house would have an OFFICE so I could write!

8) I would also have to hire an interior designer to make the house fabulous and then hire a maid to keep it that way! The house would be a log house with lots of windows and textures...

Posted by: Sheri at September 30, 2006 8:41 AM

Why oh why can't I be cursed by the lottery? Why?

Posted by: Eileen at September 30, 2006 2:12 PM

First, I would buy land and contract a building for the church we attend. Currently, we are a charter of another church and meet at a local middle school. There are some plans in the works for obtaining a permanent location, but funding takes time.

Second, I would purchase at least four plots of land in the city I live in and build skateboard parks. There is one in our city on the other side of town that is being revamped as we speak. The next closest park is about an hour away. We are lucky, I suppose, to have a park at all but the children who want to skateboard in other areas of the city aren't always able to utilize the park. Every spring we have kids skating down our front steps that we have to reprimand - and I do so wish we didn't have to.

Third, I would pay off all mortgages, car loans, and other debts for all immediate family members. I would also give each family $1 million.

Fourth, I would pay off all our bills. We would most likely sell this house and move to a newer home. This dwelling is over 100 years old, and needs constant updating. Our next home wouldn't be anything too fancy or huge; probably about 2000 square feet with a three car garage. I would want a red brick exterior with white trimmed windows. I have always liked that look.

Fifth, I would quit working and take more than one class a semester. I started school again this fall, as a returning sophomore, and with work and our 2 year old daughter, one class is all I can handle.

Sixth, I would hire a cleaning person. I would still do the laundry because I cannot fathom someone else touching my underwear. The cleaning person would be welcome to everything else, though!

After all of that, I'm not sure I will have any money left over...hopefully DH won't mind keeping his job!

Posted by: sal [TypeKey Profile Page] at September 30, 2006 11:27 PM

Typical stuff;

Bills, house, cars, vacation.

I think a big thing for me would be to help my mother. She works two jobs to support my dad and herself since his strokes. She deserves some pampering.

Posted by: Jo at October 1, 2006 10:45 AM

I'd do pretty much the same as you all...

Pay bills, buy several apartments in various locations in various countries, sort out family with money, pay for college for The Teenagers and other family Teens, give to charities (who can spend that much money, anyway?)

And then I'd go outletting (such bargains!)

Posted by: Michelle C at October 1, 2006 1:25 PM

Beth my dream car is the XC90--and a 68 camarao. =)
New house, bigger, much bigger. Dog for #1 son. New cat for me. Pay off bills. Donate some to charity, set up trust funds for both kids.
And move where my family can NEVER find me (bad me but it'll save on the post-winning fall-out fuss if I just disappear).

Posted by: Cee Cee [TypeKey Profile Page] at October 2, 2006 3:03 PM

As of June 26th, 2007, Literary Chicks has closed its doors. However, the site will be here for a while, so feel free to poke around our archives! Thanks!



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