First of all: don't stuff it. Bake the dressing in a casserole on the side. Have you tried the baking bags? I haven't myself, but I've attended a couple of friend's meals who did that with great success.
If I could, I would drive over and be your personal chef for the dinner. But maybe it's better that you conquer this. You have a lot of family T-dinners yet to get through.
You could call me at any time during for advise. I'll be home. Or online.

A few years back (I think you remember this) my in-laws were coming for Thanksgiving and my oven broke the day before. I got a roaster and threw the sucker (thawed) into it. Took less time than the oven and was perfect.

But you know, a lot of restaurants and grocery stores sell complete, fully-cooked Thanksgiving dinner (bird and sides) for a fairly reasonable price. So if you're really in a pinch, order out, baby!

I second the complete-precooked-turkey-dinner-from-a-restaurant suggestion. Thus far, I've managed to avoid having to actually cook on Thanksgiving (thanks, Mom!) but when the time comes, I'm doing that.

My fail safe method is to have my husband cook the turkey. It has worked well so far.

I brine my turkey. Alton Brown from good eats on food network has a pretty good recipe for it, but I don't add all the fancy shmancy berries and crap he throws in there. His recipe is on the foodtv website and works like a charm.
By the way, I got the books...Thank you, thank you! I can't wait to start CK.

Berni

Yeah, but you make a mean grilled cheese sandwich!

Maybe you should take a leaf out of my sister's book and let your 9 year old do all the cooking.

I've got a cranberry recipe that involves jello, cream cheese and walnuts. Nice and easy, and even I'll eat it. It's much better than the stuff out of the can.

I believe Wegman's -- God bless Wegman's -- does sell the complete, pre-made Thanksgiving dinners, so you could always order one as back-up. :-)

I suspect I might end up trying to do Thanksgiving dinner this year, and if so, we can call each other and cuss on the phone.

And remember, everything tastes better with lots of wine. :-)

Rebecca

Turkey in a bag works well. With your luck, I wouldn't suggest the deep fryer, even though I hear that it is really nummy that way. I like to BBQ mine on a Weber--rub it well with peanut oil so that the skin crisps up nice and peanut oil has a low burn threshold. Is that right? It takes a lot more for it to smoke/burn than vegetable oil or whatever. And I agree--don't stuff it. Buy one of those turkeys with the pop-out timer in the breast--Butterball, I believe. Good luck!

Holly wrote: "But maybe it's better that you conquer this. You have a lot of family T-dinners yet to get through."

Yes, dear, that's exactly what I'm thinking. It's me vs. Turkey, and that bird is going to LOSE!

"You could call me at any time during for advise. I'll be home. Or online."

OMG, Holly, you're an angel. And also crazy. You totally know I'm gonna take you up on that. And on Thanksgiving. I start drinking early. But I've got your written invitation here, so you've really got no one to blame but yourself.

Cate wrote: "But you know, a lot of restaurants and grocery stores sell complete, fully-cooked Thanksgiving dinner (bird and sides) for a fairly reasonable price."

And then Beth wrote: "I second the complete-precooked-turkey-dinner-from-a-restaurant suggestion."

You guys are totally right. I completely should just do that and call it a day, but I can't. Because then Turkey wins, and I can't be beaten by a bird. This time, it's personal. And slightly disturbing.

Thanks for the roaster idea, though! What's a roaster?

Maureen wrote: "My fail safe method is to have my husband cook the turkey. It has worked well so far."

Ooooh. Good idea. I'd do that with my husband, except this really is my battle. But once I win, this is totally gonna be Fish's job.

Berni wrote: "I brine my turkey. Alton Brown from good eats on food network has a pretty good recipe for it, but I don't add all the fancy shmancy berries and crap he throws in there."

A) I totally heart Alton Brown. Is it wrong that I find him kinda sexy?

B) Alesia suggested this as well. What's a brine?

"By the way, I got the books...Thank you, thank you! I can't wait to start CK."

Yay! Glad you finally got them! Thanks for your patience! (Everyone else: Poor Berni won some books about two months ago. She just got them. I was on deadline. Isn't she sweet and forgiving? I heart Berni.)

Babs wrote: "Yeah, but you make a mean grilled cheese sandwich!"

OMG, Babs, I totally forgot about that! Everyone else - Babs is an old college buddy who used to take lunch breaks with me at my apartment, where I had something of a Foreman grill specifically for grilled cheese sandwiches. Basically, it was impossible to screw up the grilled cheese. And this was in the same apartment where I set off the fire alarm.

Oh - and for those of you wondering - this is the famous Babs for whom the character of Babs in MAYBE BABY and THE COMEBACK KISS was named. He's a six-foot-tall black man, and his real name isn't Babs, but there's a definite kinship between him and the Babs in the books. I think it's the orneriness.

Wendy wrote: "Maybe you should take a leaf out of my sister's book and let your 9 year old do all the cooking."

LOL - when she's 9, I'll think about it. Although, really, unless she's the reincarnation of Julia Child, she's really starting out at a disadvantage. Plus, I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to cook Thanksgiving dinner who can't get good and sauced while doing it. :)

Reb wrote: "I've got a cranberry recipe that involves jello, cream cheese and walnuts. Nice and easy, and even I'll eat it. It's much better than the stuff out of the can."

Oooh - I have a similar recipe that my mother made every year. Very easy, very yummy... but requires that I grind up cranberries *by hand.* Please send your recipe!!!

"I suspect I might end up trying to do Thanksgiving dinner this year, and if so, we can call each other and cuss on the phone."

Wow. Between you and Holly, I think it's gonna be a fun Thanksgiving after all!

"And remember, everything tastes better with lots of wine. :-)"

Oh. Dude. Totally.

Sheri wrote: "Turkey in a bag works well. With your luck, I wouldn't suggest the deep fryer, even though I hear that it is really nummy that way."

Did I mention the time I set boiling water on fire? (I'm not kidding. Literally, a pot of boiling water once burst into flames on my cooktop. Seriously. NOT EXAGGERATING AT ALL.) So ixnay on the ryer-fay. But I'm touched by the incredible faith you have in me to even make such a suggestion!

"I like to BBQ mine on a Weber--rub it well with peanut oil so that the skin crisps up nice and peanut oil has a low burn threshold."

Wow. That sounds fab. What's a Weber? Are y'all sensing a pattern here?

Turkey in a roaster is the only way to go. My family has been doing it this way for 30+ years and it never fails. I even made my first one this way a few months ago. And it actually turned out fine. Well except for the frantic phone call to my brother, an assistant chef at a local resturant, when I couldn't find the bag of yucky bits that come with the turkey. After he finished laughing at me, he told me where they were, and I was able to avoid the Funny Home video moment, but he still teases me about it.

So go with the roaster, it makes like easier, plus there is the whole not having to worry about loosing digits since you don't need to carve the bird.

My father's recipe is the easiest and yummiest turkey ever. In my house, we fight over the skin and the very tender white meat.

Depending on the size of your bird you will want to start thawing it out a few days beforehand. If you have at least 24 hours you can try thawing it out in the kitchen sink (cold water). Just don't wait until the day of. Remove giblets. Take Stove Top stuffing and put inside (no need to cook). Rub butter over entire bird and then shake on some salt & pepper. Cover with aluminum foil and put in the oven. Baste often. Cook until the gauge pops out. Remove foil and cook for at least 20 min more (until the skin is a nice golden brown).

I am so jealous that you get to cook turkey !! I have not been allowed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for that last three years (the same time I moved in with Hubby) because his family's tradition is to go to his sister's house. :(

Brine is basically salty water. It's the best turkey I ever made. Just make sure to NEVER make gravy with the pan drippings. I kind of missed that part of the recipe and put out stuff that tasted like I'd dumped an entire box of salt into it. Luckily, if you put enough butter on mashed potatoes, people can live without gravy.

LC Eileen

Alton Brown is hot! I think it's the whole man with an apron thing combined with the whole mad scientist mojo. Anyway...the brine, 1 cup salt, 1 gallon vegetable stock(I use canned), 1 gallon cold water, and a couple tablespoons poultry seasoning. Alton uses allspice berries, candied ginger and stuff like that, but really, do you have allspice berries in your cupboard? Yeah, me either. Anyway, put your turkey in the roasting pan(mine's very deep) and pour the brine over it. Put in it your fridge overnight, turn it about halfway through. Rinse off your turkey really well and cook like normal. Makes a very juicy bird.
Berni

I just cooked a turkey yesterday, Lani! And I am by no means a whiz in the kitchen. So if I can do it, you can do it.

Step 1: Either buy a fresh turkey or give it 3 - 4 days to thaw out in the fridge

Step 2: Cut open the netting and plastic bag around the turkey and pull out the disgusting parts from inside of it. Rinse the turkey with cold water until the water runs clear.

Step 3: Set the turkey down on a flat surface and season. Me, I usually just add a few herbs or poultry seasoning sprinkled on top.

Step 4: Take a Reynolds Roasting Bag (this is the MOST IMPORTANT step, the bag, that is, not what you do with it next), open it up and dump a spoonful of flour into it. Shake the flour around. Put your hips into it and do a little dance. Not because you really need to but whoever said you couldn't have fun in the kitchen?

Step 5: Shove the turkey into the bag and twist it closed with the little brown tie thing that comes with the bags. Cut 4 - 6 slits in the top of the bag.

Step 6: If the turkey in the bag is not already residing in your roasting pan, put it there.

Step 7: Put it in the oven at 350 degrees and forget about it for a few hours. The little sheet with the oven bags will tell you how long to cook it, depending on how big your turkey is. The one I cooked yesterday was little (not quite 10 pounds) and only took a couple of hours.

Step 8: When it looks brown and it's been the requisite number of hours, stick a meat thermometer in it. If it reads 180, it's done. If not, let it cook a little more.

Step 9: Make someone else carve the sucker because you did all the hard work of cooking it.

Step 10: Enjoy!

I have faith in you, Lani! If I can do it, you can do it!

And here's a no-fail side dish that I never fail to get kudos for.

Take a bag of coleslaw mix (it should be by the bagged lettuce at the grocery store).

Dump it into a bowl. Add Asian Sesame/Ginger dressing (my favorite is the Essensia brand but that's only available at Albertsons, which I don't think you have. Wegman's should have something, though).

Voila! It's best when you take the salad and let everyone add their own crunchies to the top. I usually mix sunflower seeds (er, not the ones in shells...), slivered almonds, and...crud. I think there's something else but I can't think what it is. I generally take those and the noodles from a package of Ramen noodles (uncooked, just break up the uncooked noodles) and toast them in butter but given that you can burn water you might want to skip the toasting part.)

I also have a very easy side dish that everyone will love. (Depending on how many people you are having for dinner, you may need to adjust the recipe.)

Easy Potatoes

1 large package frozen, shredded hash brown potatoes
1 quart half and half
1 stick of butter (not margarine)
EITHER 1 can of grated parmesian cheese or 1 package of shredded parmesian cheese (I usually get about a 5 oz. package of the shredded cheese because it tastes a bit better, but I don't know if all grocery stores will have that or not.)

You will need a large crock pot or slow cooker. Dump the package of hash browns into the cooker. Cut up the butter and add to the potatoes. Add the cheese next, then pour the half and half over everything.

Cook on high for about four hours. Take off the lid and stir.

Cook on medium or low for another four to six hours, or until potatoes are tender.

That's it! I always get rave reviews for these and usually it's the only dish I get requests to bring whenever we go anywhere we need to bring a dish to pass.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!!!

:) Sara

Sara! My hips widened just reading that recipe! A quart of half and half? It sounds amazing.

LC Eileen

I saw a commercial on TV the other day and I instantly thought of you, Lani. It's a turkey made by Jenny O and it comes in a bag and you just take it out of the fridge and apparently it is already in it's cooking bag. You turn on the oven, put the turkey in a pan, slide it in and turn on the timer and voila! Perfect turkey.

You burned water? Really. You scare me. Maybe you should show Fish this post--you should probably stay out of the kitchen, unless you are getting the corkscrew to open another bottle of wine... Wow. Burned water. That's--wow. That's a special kind of bad. I think you need to put that in a book. Oh wait--Tessa, Babs, no culinary skills--that was YOU, wasn't it?! Too funny (and BTW, "The Comeback Kiss" was your best book to date! *grin*).