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November 13, 2006
A Dysfunctional Family Christmas
Fa La La La La
I decided to celebrate Christmas Day by locking myself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and the portable phone.
I’d come home in the middle of my first year of law school to celebrate Christmas with my family. The only problem? My parents were three years into the Ugliest Divorce in History, the house I’d grown up in was on the market and my mother and I, both feeling very Grinch-like, had decamped to my uncle’s house in Philadelphia to wait out the holidays.
And everyone was fighting.
I don’t remember now what exactly everyone was so annoyed about. It was Christmas and it was my family, so it was probably something that would, in hindsight, seem silly. Like someone serving the wrong roast or buying the wrong wine or giving a crap gift. But at the time, no one thought it was silly. Everyone was at war. Everyone, that is, but me.
So I swiped two bottles of wine and the portable phone, and locked myself in the bathroom. Once there, I proceeded to drink right from the bottle while calling my friends to wish them a Merry Christmas. And it took a long time for anyone to realize that I was gone. And by the time they figured it out, I was good and soused.
“Are you coming out of there?” my uncle shouted through the door.
“No!” I hiccupped. “I’m not!”
This prompted a conference on the other side of the door between several family members who previously hadn’t been speaking to one another.
“Whitney’s locked herself in the bathroom.”
“What do you mean she’s not coming out?”
“I don’t know why. She won’t say.”
My mom knocked timidly on the door. “Honey? Why don’t you come out? We’ll be having dinner soon.”
“Not a chance,” I said, taking a swig of wine. “Not until I run out of booze.”
This prompted another hushed conversation.
My mom returned to the door. “If you won’t come out, may I come in?” my mom asked.
But I wasn’t in the mood for company. At least, not familial company. Instead, I picked up the phone and dialed yet another friend.
After that the day became sort of a blur, because by the time I emerged from my self-imposed Time Out, I was good and drunk. And that’s probably, as Martha would say, a good thing.
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Posted by Whitney at 6:00 AM | Comments (13)
Comments
I love this story!!!!!!
Posted by: laurenjharwood ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at November 13, 2006 7:07 AM
OMG. This is why there are so many family holiday movies. Great story!
Posted by: Lani at November 13, 2006 8:27 AM
Poor Whitney. But at least you got to enjoy the booze before everyone else got to it.
Posted by: Hope at November 13, 2006 9:05 AM
This is the smartest way to deal with holiday stress, ever. Also why I quit travelling at the holidays. If they really want to see us, they can come to our house. Once the kids were born, I put my foot down at the idea of travelling until we were exhausted to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving trying to sleep on somebody's pull-out couch or twin bed. Santa comes to our house.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at November 13, 2006 9:29 AM
I am so doing this at Cowboy's mother's Christmas Eve spectacular. If his brother calls me a slut one more time, I'm taking the wine (the good stuff that Andy and Beth bring) and locking myself in the bathroom with my cell phone.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at November 13, 2006 11:16 AM
1. I totally want to read a book with this scene in it. Please, Whitney?
2. Cowboy's brother calls you a slut, Eileen?? The nerve! Kick him where it counts, I say. He's probably just jealous of Cowboy because *he* can't get it up. Think about that when he's name-calling.
3. I think I'm going to start drinking...
Posted by: Dia at November 13, 2006 6:15 PM
I hate Thanksgiving. Hate it. Everything about it. Seems like our plans always change at the last minute or someone fights. It's even worse when we go to my in-law's because nobody drinks there!!! Yikers!
Posted by: Cameo at November 13, 2006 9:09 PM
I only wish I could do this at Christmas. Alas, I need to remain sober in order to keep a hold on my tongue and not cause even more hell.
Posted by: Jennifer at November 14, 2006 2:19 PM
Yeah, Whitney! You've got the right idea. Since we moved back to our hometown 5 years ago, I've discovered that the holidays are far more tolerable if I keep a drink in my hand (down my throat/in my system) at all times.
Eileen, I think you need to share why your BIL calls you a slut. But that's just me. :-)
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca at November 14, 2006 2:24 PM
He always does it like it's a joke. I think the last time was when we were discussing tattoos for some reason. I said I was happy with mine and was considering getting another. He said, "oh, are you finally going to have that 'easy' button tattooed on your ass?"
Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought it was funny even if one of my sisters had said it who I know would have meant it as a tease and not a dig. It didn't help that my children were only a few yards away when he said it, either.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at November 14, 2006 4:19 PM
OMG, Eileen, that is just RUDE!!! What an ass. With family like that, you need more than wine--I'd suggest arsenic in the soup, but I hear that is traceable....
Hoidays are always crazy with us--so many places to go, we never stay home. When the kids were little it was just hell--packing them up, toting them all over town and back with all of their crap and crapola. Don't miss that for nothing!
As for the BIL---there was this guy tonight downtown who was mouthing off at one of the two police officers who had grabbed him and this other guy to figure out why they were fighting. Anyway, the one cop got tired of his mouth and picked him up off the sidewalk to put him in the squad car. So the guy is trying to pull me into his beef "You see this? You see what he's doing?" as if he is being abused. I wanted SO badly to walk over to him and say:
"Yes, and you should be happy that it is him and not ME, because I would grab you by your balls, wrap them around your throat and CHOKE you with them, so be grateful for small favors!" But I refrained from saying anything since I was on company property and I suppose I could have gotten in trouble for saying it.... Wonder if it would work with dear BIL? The imagery alone should have him crossing his legs and wincing! (Just think of that scene from that movie "Something To Talk About" with Julia Roberts and Dennis Quaid where the sister kicks him in the balls because Julia told her to keep him busy--"He's busy holding his balls!") *grin*
Priceless!!
Sorry--just "on one" tonight--ignore my ranting and raving...
Posted by: Sheri at November 14, 2006 11:45 PM
I think my favorite scene from "Something to Talk About" is in the hospital after Julia Roberts poisons Dennis Quaid. He motions her close so he can whisper to her. You think he's going to apologize for being a lying cheating scum and instead he says, "Get a lawyer."
Love that movie. That one and "I Love Trouble" may be my two favorite Julia Roberts movies.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at November 15, 2006 9:47 AM
Whitney -
I've checked both of the Targets in the area, and neither one of the have "Testing Kate". They both have "Me, Myself and I", but not Kate. Evidently, Kate is sold out here. So, I had to order it at our bookstore. It won't be in until next week. They only got a few copies here, but they were sold out by the second day. Obviously you have other fans here in my area, huh? Just not fair though, because I really wanted to review your book and Beth's book the same week!
Gotta say that I read "Pushing 30" last week and totally 100% loved it. Really, it was fabulous. And it made me even more mad that I still don't have "Kate".
Posted by: dee at November 17, 2006 4:28 PM
