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December 11, 2006
The Care and Feeding of Writers Week
When our Other Halves get revenge, er, a chance to speak up
We're launching a special week here at the LC, when our guys get a chance to let loose and tell you what it's really like living with a writer. (Beware, it might get ugly!) My own Navy Guy is launching the week with:
The Care and Feeding of (My) Author
Hello all, Navy Guy here. My lovely wife asked me to write a blog on the “Care and Feeding of Authors” for her web site. I thought this was particularly ambitious of her, given that my writing is almost entirely restricted to generating various Navy memoranda, reports, and instructions. Not what you might call inspiring in any setting. Also, I’m not particularly funny. This fact has been related to me on several occasions, by our children (in the direct manner that most children have) accompanied by the usual eye-rolling, and deep sighs of pity for my lameness. The dogs still find me mildly entertaining, although it is usually dependent on the presence of a squeaky toy, or some other sort of treat. Unfortunately for you, I have no grown-up squeaky toys or treats, so toss back those pre-emptive Tylenol tablets, crack open your favorite beverage (something alcoholic may help) and here we go!
The Christmas season is one of the most wonderful, and potentially lethal, times of year. Choosing the right gift for your writer is, need I say it, very important. The kids are easy. You follow a simple checklist: Seen on TV? Check. Makes noise, lights, puddles, or other debris? Check. Requires AA, C, D, and 9-volt batteries (not included of course) and stock in the Duracell company? Check.
It’s easy!
Not so the Writer.
To be fair, I am quite possibly the worst gift buyer ever. I provide the following transcript of a real conversation which occurred in our kitchen the other day as proof:
Navy Guy (NG): “Hey sweety, you know how you were saying that your computer is acting too slow, and how that’s been aggravating you so much?”
Alesia: “Mmm Hmm” (Distractedly working on something else)
NG: “Well, I was thinking that for one of your Christmas presents, I would get you a
memory upgrade for your computer so that it would work faster!”
Alesia: “…………” (Staring at NG)
NG: Sweet Jesus! I’ve stepped on a landmine!
Alesia: “…………..” (Still staring)
NG: Stay calm, you might lose a foot, maybe the whole leg, but we can survive this! STAY CALM MAN!!
Alesia: “ Umm, No.”
NG: “Right, right! What was I thinking?! That would be a totally lame and inappropriate gift!”
Children: (Shaking their heads in disbelief and resignation.) We can’t believe we are related to him. We never saw anything about computer memory on TV. I’ll bet it doesn’t even have batteries. Poor daddy.
Dogs: I wonder if there is bacon with that.
So, you see, I am already working at a distinct (perhaps mental) disadvantage. There are many hazards on the way to finding the right gift for your romance writer. We have already seen the “Lame Electronic Gift” (there is a caveat in this category for the “impossibly-small-yet-totally-cool-gadget” gift such as the newest micro-mini MP3 player, cel phone, or digital camera) but there are other, even deadlier land mines out there. Anything that is eminently practical is not what we are looking for: Towel sets (boom!), Kitchen appliances (Boom!), Exercise equipment (KA-BOOM!!) all should be avoided.
Well then, if you are like me, you are asking yourself “Holy Mackerel! What’s left?” Well, you can’t just ask:
NG: “Hey honey, what would you like for Christmas this year?”
Alesia: “I would think that after ten and a half years of marriage and two children you would know by now!”
NG: “Well of course I do sweety! I was just checking to make sure I didn’t forget anything!” Curses! Foiled again!
This is when you must tap into the depths of the writer’s mindset. As the spouse of a writer, you are her soul-mate; the muscle-bound, yet strangely free of body hair man on the white horse on the front of those books, who swept her off her feet all those years ago. And, as her soul-mate, you just intuitively and psychically know what it is she wants for Christmas. Sadly, in my case, this psychic connection has been quite effectively filtered out by brain damage caused by an infatuation with electronics, an Electrical Engineering degree, and 20 years of military life. But all is not lost. There are a few sure-fire gifts that can’t go wrong:
Automobiles. More specifically red convertibles. Always a winner.
Adornments. Designer jewelry, designer clothes, designer shoes, expensive perfumes. All very effective.
Spa Treatments. A big winner for me last year, underappreciated writer-moms love to be pampered.
Any of these things, either individually, or in combination, are very good ideas.
The best thing of all, after a long, arduous, shopping season, is that no matter how lame the gifts may be, she will still love you. After all, you are soul-mates!
Merry Christmas!
Judd aka Navy Guy
Posted by Alesia at 6:00 AM | Comments (24)
Comments
Navy Guy! You lie! You are very funny... [whisper] and I'd go with the spa treatment.[/whisper] Thanks for coming out to play with the LCs!
Posted by: Lani ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at December 11, 2006 9:14 AM
ahhh, and you said you weren't funny. Plus you can write really well. I could actually see Alesia giving you the death stare.
I think all of you gift recomenedatios are spot on. Now if my own soul mate pays attention as well as you we will all have a Merry Christmas.
I'll let you know if I get that Nano is a really cool color and I'm anxiously awaiting my spa certificates
Posted by: cindy at December 11, 2006 9:15 AM
If I give you my boyfriend's phone number, will you share this information with him?
Posted by: laurenjharwood at December 11, 2006 9:26 AM
What I actually said was: "You want to get me my TAX-DEDUCTIBLE BUSINESS EXPENSE computer memory for Christmas??????????" after I snapped out of my stunned state of shock . . .
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 11, 2006 10:38 AM
Judd, Judd, Judd... you had me at "the muscle-bound, yet strangely free of body hair man on the white horse on the front of those books, who swept her off her feet all those years ago."
Do you understand how much it hurts to laugh that hard after 150 crunches? Never mind, you probably do.
>>It’s easy!
>>Not so the Writer
Liquor! You can never go wrong with liquor! And mixers and cute little glasses in which to pour said alcohol and mixers.
Posted by: Barb at December 11, 2006 10:51 AM
Mmmm. The spa treatments. Definitely a good one. I don't think you're as bad as you think you are with the gift-giving stuff. Of course, I was thrilled when I received a flash drive for my birthday one year, so what do I know?
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at December 11, 2006 12:09 PM
To Lani: Thank you for your kind comments. I will relate to the children that there is an actual (non relation) adult who finds me funny! I didn't opt for the spa treatment this year, but I think that Alesia will still like her gifts! Also, thanks for risking permanent damage to the readership by allowing me to post on the site! Regards, NG
To Cindy: Thanks to you too! The Nano is totally cool, and the new Shuffle also appeals to my not-so-inner geek. Make sure you get a good pair of ear phones too! NG
To Lauren H: Boyfriends (and husbands too) are all very attuned to subtle forms of negative feedback. Something like: "If you buy me such a thing we are sooo over." worked on me. Hints work well also, something like: "Alesia's husband got her an all-day spa treatment for Christmas one year! Don't you think that is wonderful? I am so envious! I would TOTALLY love a spa treatment for Christmas!" Spa flyers left around the house and in his car may also work. Good Luck!
To Alesia: Absolutely revisionist.
To Barb: Don't get me started on the whole cover model guy thing. What all of us (mostly) normal guys are thinking is "Man, if that is what women are looking for, I'm screwed!" Thankfully, Fabio had that run-in with a bird on a roller-coaster, so every time I see his image on a book my mind artfully superimposes a surprised duck over his face. Thanks for the liquor tip! I'll have to use that one next year! Cheers, NG.
Posted by: Navy Guy at December 11, 2006 12:16 PM
To Eileen: Thanks! There has been much trial and error over the years. I have to admit that I am a product of my wife's good patience. I am also fond of the flash drives. Best Buy is selling 2-Gig flash drives for like $50! It's insane! NG
Posted by: Navy Guy at December 11, 2006 12:20 PM
Had to supress the laughter since I am at work (sssh) - I have trouble convincing my co-workers that benefits are so funny.
Posted by: RandomRanter at December 11, 2006 1:00 PM
LOL and welcome, Judd - sounds like you have Christmas for Alesia well sorted out :-)
PS. Little suggestion for another year - I always think that a surprise plane ticket to visit distant friends is a welcome gift! (Not that I am hinting at anything. Okay, maybe just a little bit...)
Posted by: Michelle C at December 11, 2006 2:18 PM
To RandomRanter: Thanks for dropping by! Please be sure to read the stuff from the REALLY funny people who made this site! NG
To Michelle C: Thank you! I think that Alesia will be well pleased this year. I see by your hint that you have dealt with my brand of sophisticated intellect before. You never know what the next year might bring! Best wishes and have a Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Navy Guy at December 11, 2006 2:37 PM
Aw, Navy Guy, you are such a sweetie :-)
Now, let's talk plane ticket destinations. London is completely fab (only 45 minutes away from me on a plane, although about 5 1/2 or 6 1/2 hours for Alesia). Hmm. Paris - love Paris (not much further on a plane from EST and close for me). And Amsterdam is pretty fab...
I live in hope!
Posted by: Michelle C at December 11, 2006 6:06 PM
I guess I have to go with you and Eileen--I love anything for my computer! My daughter bought me a tracker-ball style mouse last year and I teared up! Really! "It's just what I wanted!" and she got BIG points for listening to Mom! Hubby just shook his head--he doesn't get the computer thing. It's sad.
I would just kill for a flat screen monitor... SOS reading this, maybe he will get a clue?! I also asked for a white board--sorry, I am preactical! A bigger flash drive? Ooo, that would be cool!!
Posted by: Sheri at December 12, 2006 6:44 PM
To Sheri: Thanks for the comments! I am absolutely with you on the computer thing. Fortunately, Alesia let me completely geek out when I purchased my laptop a couple of years ago, so there isn't much I need these days. Want, however is a different matter! Hope you have a great holiday! NG
Posted by: Navy Guy at December 12, 2006 8:06 PM
Well, yesterday was my birthday and my husband gave me an electric can opener. I slapped on the happy face and was all "oh thanks sweetie, I did need one of those..." Then he ran to the other room and brought back another gift wrapped box. He bought me a portable DVD player so I can watch movies anywhere in the house(it's so cool!), especially when my daughters are hogging the TV. He's so proud of himself for tricking me, I'm soooooo getting him back on his b-day...
Berni
Posted by: berni at December 12, 2006 8:07 PM
You crack me up, Navy Guy. I adore nifty electronic gadgets but usually end up buying them for myself. I do insist that hubby buy me at least *one* present at Christmas that I haven't picked out and bought myself (he hates shopping with a passion and claims that I am "hard" to buy for. Which is an outright lie! He is just a weenie.)
Posted by: Dia at December 12, 2006 11:04 PM
To Berni: Happy Birthday! It must be nice to have a birthday close, but not too close, to Christmas! Plenty of presents! It sounds like your husband has an excellent sense of humor. I have seen the "Happy Face" you speak of. I call it the "The Smiling Mask of Impending Doom." Tell your husband good job on the fake-out, and on the portable DVD player. Ours has saved us from having to see "Barbi Swan Lake" forty times in a row. Have a great Christmas! NG
To Dia: Thanks for the compliment Dia! Help your poor man out! Delay your gratification on the nifty gadgets and give your husband some subtle hints. Taping a picture of the desired item on the bathroom mirror is pretty circumspect. You will get the (albeit delayed) gratification of having your cool gadget, and your husband will feel more in tune with your psychic emanations! In all seriousness, I'm sure he'll find something that is just right. Merry Christmas! NG
Posted by: Navy Guy at December 13, 2006 4:18 PM
Judd had to go be on a ship and do sailor-type stuff, but he said to say goodbye to all of you and thank you for being so kind to him on his first venture into the blogosphere!
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 14, 2006 8:47 PM
UPDATE: A package came in the mail today (I have strict orders not to open the packages) but it said ON THE OUTSIDE: Henckels paring knife. If he got me a paring knife to replace our missing one for Christmas, he's a dead man. Maybe with that very knife . . .
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 16, 2006 5:49 PM
Maybe it's an elaborate ruse...
Posted by: Barb at December 16, 2006 9:07 PM
Ha! No, I got an email from the ship, it's a paring knife. He said "I thought it could be a *family* present."
Nothing says Christmas for the family like the kids gathering around to admire the paring knife . . .
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 17, 2006 10:08 AM
Oh...
dear.
Hm.
No doubt the ship's looking miiiiiiiiighty safe right now.
Posted by: Barb at December 17, 2006 2:51 PM
More packages arrived today. I'm dying to open them and see if it's some sort of kitchen appliance.
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 18, 2006 9:15 PM
Ok, I have to say... this is a subject that my sister and I go round and round on. She thinks her husband CAN NOT remember anything she tells him. I say... He is a man. They don't think like we do. YES some men are capable of remembering everything we say. (she did not marry one of those men) SO, I made the suggestion of a folder. Get a file folder and when you think of something you want, jott it down and insert into said folder. If you see a picture in a magazine, cut it out, put it in said folder, etc.
She rolled her eyes and said he should know her better than that, so she wouldn't do it. She did not get much of what she really wanted for Christmas. My mom is much the same way. She won't give a list to my father, and what happens? She gets raging mad when she doesn't get exactly what she wants. Then she goes on to publicly ridicule him in front of all of us on how he doesn't ever get it right. How they've managed to be married 38 (almost 39) years, I really have NO clue!
I gave a list to my husband and he did very well with it this year, I got many things off of it, including my HOTSLING (woohoo). However, I didn't get my usual "surprise" gift, I kept waiting for it, but it did not materialize. That's ok, know he will make up for it at Valentine's Day. :) (I gave him a Sony PSP and Madden 2007, but told him it was from the kids.)
Posted by: Lisa at December 28, 2006 10:00 PM
