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December 12, 2006
Care and Feeding, Part II
Show me a sign!
So here is it, time for me (Cowboy) to blog. And yes, that first sentence is an attempt to procrastinate. That’s something that I seem to be rather good at. Some of the writers that I have known also seem to have the same issue, including Scooter – er, Eileen. Proving the old adage that “those who can’t do, teach”, I occasionally tell her to apply butt to chair. Sometimes I’m direct – “Eileen, get your butt in front of your computer!” Sometimes I adopt a subtler strategy. “Dear, that story isn’t going to write itself” or “Oh look, a keyboard with no fingers touching it!”
But really, the care and feeding of the writer in the family comes down to one simple rule: do what she says. Always. See? Simple. Ok, you can all stop snickering now. That means you, honey. But really now, caring for a writer is no different than caring for any other neurotic, self-flagellating, focused, scattered, bi-polar person in your life. Sometimes you have to act supportive and agree that the stupid reviewer is a moron, other times you duck behind the counter and try to get out of the room with all your parts attached. The real trick is to know when to do which – actually, to predict when the storm is coming.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m an expert or anything, I’ve only been doing this for the last 3 years, 4 months, 13 days, 9 hours and 26 minutes. Give or take. But there are signs to watch for.
1) The sound of her mail program (the jet plane taking off is what Scooter’s Mac does). This sometimes indicates that she has sent her manuscript to her editor (since she’s lucky enough to do it that way). This act often results in rants about the huge pile of drivel that she just sent to her editor, how she’s just a hack, and on and on. This is where I apply my best “no, you’re a great writer” pep talk. This is best supported by hugs and bringing up her web page where you have placed her positive reviews. So, jet plane = hugs and parroting of good reviews.
2) “What the f***?” This often heralds the arrival of another impenetrable royalty statement. Most times it can be safely ignored, cause nobody knows how to read those damned things. Basically, they say “we don’t owe you any money on that book”. For this, I just stare at the paper and say “What the f***?” It seems to work.
3) “Thump thump thump”. That’s the sound of a head hitting the desk repeatedly. It usually indicates some variant or writer’s block. Or a kid getting an F in PE. Either way, I walk slowly and carefully over and give a hug. Safest if you do it from behind her chair, I’ve found.
4) Things stop happening right. Dinner either burns or doesn’t get started. She turns left instead of right. She sits in her chair and stares right at me, but doesn’t see anything I do. Or she freezes, one foot poised to get in the car – the only time I’ve ever seen her stand on one leg. This usually indicates that the writing is going well. The most important thing in this state (which, of course, is the most common state) is to feed and bathe the children, do the grocery shopping, make funny faces at her and giggle, and make sure that I help her into the car. Because there’s no way she can stand on one leg for very long.
So there you have it. Hugs, good reviews, “what the f***”, safe hugs, basic child care, and actual physical support. Care and feeding in a nutshell.
Posted by Eileen at 7:00 AM | Comments (19)
Comments
This all sounds very very reasonable to me! And, um, Scooter??
Posted by: Alesia Holliday ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at December 12, 2006 8:14 AM
>>“Oh look, a keyboard with no fingers touching it!”
Oooh... and you haven't wound up with a keyboard lodged somewhere erm... unmentionable? Otherwise, though, seems as if you have the routine down pretty well.
Eileen, yours is very funny too-- the other guys are going to have to work hard to keep up with NG and Cowboy.
Posted by: Barb at December 12, 2006 8:18 AM
Cowboy! So great to see you here, and you are right on all counts. Printing this out for Fish right now!
Posted by: Lani at December 12, 2006 9:42 AM
Yes, I answer to Scooter. The key is to say it with a sort of Minnesotan influence on the double-o.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at December 12, 2006 10:25 AM
Eileen I can't stop laughing because I'm wondering if when you stand on one leg if you lean. Because your name is Eileen...I---Lean---
See what happens when you're in deadline hell?
Posted by: cindy at December 12, 2006 2:53 PM
Actually these sound very reasonable to me for all sorts of people. (This may be why I'm single. )
Posted by: RandomRanter at December 12, 2006 3:40 PM
Of course I do, Cindy! I truly am a walking punchline.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at December 12, 2006 5:25 PM
ROFL! I wish MY husband would tell me to get in front of my computer!! He is always after me because he DOESN'T want me in front of it! LOL!
And now I have this mental image of Eileen doing the Captain Morgan stance--one leg up as if on a barrel of rum...
And you are VERY snarky--"Dear, that story isn't going to write itself" and " Oh look, a keyboard with no fingers touching it" are priceless! *snort*
Posted by: Sheri at December 12, 2006 6:54 PM
Hmmm...
A couple of thoughts come to mind (better than coming to toe, but then...):
Scooter and Cowboy go together. Somewhere along the line, on a tv show as we recall (and boy, together we almost have half a memory), someone said "Everyone should have a friend named Scooter". So, there you have it. And I had to have a cute nickname too, so Eileen picked Cowboy. And I don't think that she knew at the time that I had been, for a brief shining moment when I was about 10, a cowboy on my grandfather's ranch.
The "I-lean" comment is funnier than you know. Really.
Me? Snarky? I've never been snarky in my life. I'm the sweetest, most pleasant, innocuous guy in the whole wide world. Just ask anyone. Except Eileen. Or anyone who lives in this house.
Posted by: Cowboy at December 12, 2006 7:25 PM
Eileen, you can now sign all your LC comments as Scooter, to differentiate from the non-LC Eileen!
Very nice, Cowboy. Now if only I could find a way for my hubby to apply this to my work...
Posted by: Dia at December 12, 2006 11:10 PM
Hey, fellow procrastinator! Great blogging! I particularily enjoy the witty remark about the keyboard without fingers on it. Said to me, your life might flash before your eyes in horro, but said to Scooter, it's just cute! :)
She's so regal, patient and understanding. For the love o' God, she owns an autoharp, which makes her practically cupid, right? Plus she writes great books, so as a fan, I thank you and insist you keep up the good work of feeding and caring for her.
:)
Posted by: Delilah at December 13, 2006 2:04 AM
Delilah, you sweetheart, I don't think owning an autoharp makes me an angel. You may want to check in with Things One and Two about the patient and understanding thing as well.
And as far as being a fan, right back atcha, sweetheart!
Scooter
Posted by: Eileen at December 13, 2006 10:37 AM
Well, I must proclaim that I got her the autoharp (with help from her mother) because she fell in love with the idea after seeing "A Mighty Wind". We occasionally play together, not often enough, but when we're old and the kids have left, I imagine us playing and signing to drive the neighbors batty....
Posted by: Cowboy at December 13, 2006 6:27 PM
I'll mooch off Renee Zelleweger to say you had me at me at "do what she says". That is, until you mentioned the snickering. For a moment I thought you were serious and I was ready to send you my husband's direct # so you could be his guru. Ah, well. Hugs are good too. BTW, I heard they erected a statue in your honor. Actually, your neurotic other half emailed me the photo. Must be nice to be bronzed.
Posted by: Susan Hatler at December 13, 2006 11:07 PM
Yes, being immortalized is nice. Just wish it wasn't in Pismo Beach.
Posted by: Cowboy at December 14, 2006 12:13 AM
Taking her for Vietnamese food sometimes helps with the "thump thump thump" one, I've found. . .
Posted by: Adam at December 14, 2006 3:57 PM
Vietnamese helps, especially if you can remember which kind of pho I like.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at December 14, 2006 7:49 PM
Cindy said: Eileen I can't stop laughing because I'm wondering if when you stand on one leg if you lean. Because your name is Eileen...I---Lean---
Cindy, LOL. Which makes me think...anyone remember the band Dexy's Midnight Runners?
*Michelle sings* Come on, I-Lean, you know what I mean!
Cowboy said: I’ve only been doing this for the last 3 years, 4 months, 13 days, 9 hours and 26 minutes.
Aw. Sniffle. I think it is so romantic that you remember this. Cowboy, you are a sweetie :-)
Posted by: Michelle C at December 16, 2006 3:49 PM
Enjoyed the photo of Cowboy! Fun to see what he looks like after 25 (ack!) years.
Sarah (Williamson) Sutton
Posted by: SarahSutton at January 6, 2007 6:16 PM
