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December 17, 2006
Care and Feeding, Part VI, by Oh Patient One
The secret of keeping her happy as deadline approaches...
So, it’s still the middle of the morning for you guys in the US but I’ve already had time to check email (send email to brother in Australia, Teenager No #1 at college in USA, mother-in-law in UK), load photos from Teenager No #2’s concert and share on web (with brother Aus, Teenager No #1 in USA, mother-in-law in UK, anyone else I can think of...), read news online, read favorite blogs (other than LiteraryChicks!), in desperation check weather forecast, in utter desperation have lunch.
And finally spend time staring at keyboard.
Sometimes a six hour time difference is a Good Thing!
Time for a nice cup of tea...
Which leads nicely into the secret ingredient in the care and feeding of my particular exotic sub-species of author – my English Writer (for the record I am Welsh – which is a very different thing!) - the administration of tea in copious amounts throughout The Creative Process.
You have to understand that for my English Writer there are two distinct phases in the process, based roughly on the well known 80/20 rule.
Phase I occupies approximately the first eighty per cent of the time and during this phase life trundles on much as normal. Groceries are bought, meals are cooked, laundry gets done, the keyboard clicks as email correspondence is answered, blogs are read and favourite websites are searched. Business is as usual in the Cunnah household.
But there are tell-tale signs that must be watched for and, for the experienced eye, are easy to spot. As twenty per cent of the time to deadline becomes forty and then sixty a slight distractedness can be detected. At this stage the administration of tea should be increased slightly, along with the reassuring smiles, the passing on of odd and quirky facts and news stories picked up from trawling the BBC website and generally maintaining an upbeat attitude. Because the book IS going to get written. And it WILL be good.
Of that there is never any doubt (other than in my English Writer’s head).
At around sixty per cent the condition of my English Writer undergoes a perceptible change. In between the drafting of scenes and the sound of fingers actually hitting the keyboard in earnest (if only in short bursts) the air of distraction grows and approaches, but never quite reaches (yet) true frenzy. And there is a good reason for this.
At this stage we enter The Cleaning Frenzy. Pretty much every other displacement activity has been exhausted. Correspondence has been taken care of, friends have been caught up with, family has been assured of undying love and affection etc. There is nothing else for it. The apartment must be cleaned (Why? It looks perfect to me.). At this point any one of a number of activities can occur. Most common are the thorough vacuuming or wiping down of anything that doesn’t move (beware trying to watch TV or surf the Internet in one position for too long!), bed-linen and towels etc. are totally changed throughout, the drapes may come down and in extreme cases even the ironing is up to date.
It is recommended that the dosage of tea be further increased now, despite the increased caffeine intake, and that I get to know my local bartender. He will become my good friend in the coming weeks. Oh, and make sure the freezer is well stocked!
We now enter Phase II, the final and crucial stage of The Creative Process – the last twenty per cent. In this stage the book actually gets ‘written’ and the habits of my English Writer change markedly.
My English Writer spends increasing amounts of time in The Office until eventually the door to The Office is closed. Permanently. I suppose it’s a kind of nesting instinct. From now on enter at your own risk and only if bearing hot tea.
And so for a period typically of four to six weeks my English Writer wrestles with The Book, rants and raves at the characters when they don’t speak to her, agonises over word count (because at first she’s never going to fill 100,000 words, but you can rest assured that with four days to go she’s already over word-count and she hasn’t even STARTED the closing sequence), bemoans the all too common ‘saggy middle’ syndrome, constantly revises and pushes on tirelessly.
During this period, apart from entering The Office to bring tea it is recommended that communication be primarily, if not exclusively, via email from the PC in the next room. Enquiries such as, ‘Are you still alive in there?’ are usually responded to promptly. Of course if they aren’t it’s a bit of a worry, but the sound of Led Zeppelin CDs being changed regularly is reassuring.
The spouse takes on all parental duties at this time. But, as Teenager No #1 is at college and Teenager No #2 is now seventeen and is increasingly ‘Out’ this primarily entails producing checks for the one and cash for the other. Meals tend to be a one-pot job cooked by the spouse (it has to be said that there is a noticeable tendency towards spicy veggie curries – but these, lovingly served in a bowl, act as a welcome substitute for tea). Teenager No #2 is not a curry fan – but that’s why there are burgers and pizza in the freezer after all – and there’s always take-out...
My English Writer will finally emerge triumphant, if a little dishevelled approximately five minutes before deadline (as previously noted a six hour time difference can be a Good Thing), having pressed the Send button on email.
At this stage forget about the tea and go straight for the red wine (pref. Shiraz) – she deserves it!
Oh, and of course there’s all that housework that needs doing now, isn’t there? (It still looks pristine to me...)
Love you Honey!
Oh Patient One
Posted by Michelle at 10:29 AM | Comments (15)
Comments
ROFL! Excellent entry--I think you guys need to set up a blog site of your own--Husbands of Writers or something like that. I have enjoyed seeing the other side of our Chicks from their SO's point of view. And you guys are FUNNY--I would definitely put you on an RSS feed if you had your own blog. Really. Or at least y'all should come and play here more often! Either way, it has been enlightening and I want to say thank you!
And I know just what you mean about Teenager #2 being out and about all the time. I have an 18 year old that only seems to come home for showers, clean clothes, and food occasionally!!
Posted by: Sheri at December 17, 2006 12:26 PM
Forget blog-- they need to set up some sort of twelve-step or No Fly Zone for Abandoned Husbands of Writers.
Very well done Oh Patient One. You've earned your own cuppa. :-)
Posted by: Barb at December 17, 2006 12:48 PM
I'll take a bowl of spicy veggie curry! I can live without the tea though. I'm strictly a coffee girl.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at December 17, 2006 12:56 PM
I hate to be crass, but I have to ask---do all those cups of tea come with a catheter or does Michelle's desk chair actually double as a toilet?
Yes, I have no class.
Posted by: Christina at December 17, 2006 1:27 PM
LOL, Oh Patient One - I think all the LC SO's can relate! And dig us with all the good-looking men! I love it!
Posted by: Lani at December 17, 2006 2:06 PM
They are a particularly fine looking group of men, are they not? Well, we don't really know about Mr. Tall, but since Beth looks a lot like that hot blonde girl on Scrubs, I think we can pretty much assume he's a looker.
LC Eileen
Posted by: Eileen at December 17, 2006 5:23 PM
LC Eileen - THANK YOU! I was trying to figure out who Beth reminded me of, and you did it for me. She DOES look like that hot chick from Scrubs, doesn't she?
Posted by: dee at December 17, 2006 9:21 PM
A week of brilliant and gorgeous men. We definitely need to do this more often!!
Posted by: Alesia Holliday at December 17, 2006 9:56 PM
I totally agree we should persuade them to come out and play more often - it's been such a blast!
Eileen said: I hate to be crass, but I have to ask---do all those cups of tea come with a catheter or does Michelle's desk chair actually double as a toilet?
LOL Eileen - three words...pelvic floor exercises.
And LC Eileen - his veggi spicy curries are out of this world :-)
Posted by: Michelle C at December 18, 2006 2:08 PM
Just want to echo the kudos for the fabulous spouse entries, and hope that this will somehow become a regular thing.
Posted by: RandomRanter at December 18, 2006 3:17 PM
Teenager #1's roommate is wondering if Teenager #1 has described the tea corner in our room. It is quite a sight to see indeed, as it is filled with many yummy flavors of tea. Maybe Teenager #1's parents should come to visit for a tea party of sorts!
With love,
Teenager #1's roommate
Posted by: Teenager #1's roommate at December 19, 2006 1:32 AM
Teenager #1 would also like to remark that since it is currently finals, the 60/40 tea ratio is also currently in operation in Dorm Room 321. We are steadily moving towards the danger zone of desperate take-out ordering as deadlines for fifteen-page papers and horrible exams of doom approach.
- Teenager #1 (who is going to go and raid Roommate's Tea Corner)
Posted by: Teenager#1 at December 19, 2006 1:40 AM
Whee! Not only do we have spouse week postings but comments from Teenager #1 and Teenager #1's roommate.
What a wonderful week this is!
Posted by: Dia at December 21, 2006 3:32 AM
Oooh, care to share the veggie curry recipe? I love this blog.
Posted by: Danielle at January 2, 2007 11:05 AM
Dia said: Whee! Not only do we have spouse week postings but comments from Teenager #1 and Teenager #1's roommate. What a wonderful week this is!
Dia, I am so happy you enjoyed spouse week! Teenager #1 and her roommate lurk frequently. I have told them not to be shy in the future...
Danielle said: Oooh, care to share the veggie curry recipe? I love this blog.
Aw, I am so happy that you love our blog :-) Regarding Oh Patient One's veggie curry. Well, he's a "What have we got in? What needs to be used up? I'll throw in a bit of this and a bob of that" kind of curry maker. But the end result is always delicious. I have told him that next time he makes one I want him to document the process, and I will post it here!
Posted by: Michelle C at January 3, 2007 3:19 PM
