Yesterday my husband is trying on these wader things for fishing and they looked so funny that I started laughing. I thought he realized how silly they looked but apparently not. Then he wanted me to explain in detail why I was laughing.

Ouch! There's no good way out of that one.

Not sure if this counts... My husband's mother got busted in a lie that she told my husband about his brother. My husband totally caught her at it, which was awesome since I have been telling him that she exaggerates stuff for years. She likes to get them mad at each other so she can be the center of attention. Anyway, like i said, she got totally busted and went home early pouting. I was in the garage singing "Merry Christmas to me, Merry Christmas to me" and my husband's daughter caught me. It's not so much that I said anything, but more that I was busted celebrating that my mother in law FINALLY got busted.

My sister got me a signed copy of Joshilyn Jackson's "gods in Alabama". I made the comment about how much effort she put into that gift.

I meant that I thought that it was a perfect "me" gift.

She told me later that she was offended because she puts effort into all of the gifts that she gives me. Sorry Anita!

We had been asked to host our family get together on 19th Dec. After some urging by a niece I had to ask a sister to disinvite one of the sister's friends. You guessed it, family split. It turned out okay for me as I was not blamed by either side. We had 20 over on the Friday night and 20 over on the Saturday night. Didn't stop the guilt, though.

UGH. I confessed to my brother how terrified I was when my niece (first child/ first niece) was born that she might develop autism and how carefully I watched her. It was completely irrational on my part (the worrying not the telling). I was just saying that I'd had these scary feelings but I was finally over it based mostly on the fact that Peanut is developing just fine and normally (I know that doesn't mean she's out of the woods but it did go a long ways to calming my paranoid heart). Did I mention that my brother is the first time dad? Anyway, my mom told me later that my brother was doing web searches and reading all the magazine articles he could find on autism. I still cringe when I think about how I introduced a new worry to a guy who already obsesses about an occasional cough or diaper rash.

Oh, how I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut.

I am incredibly diplomatic around my DH's family, even though I think his youngest brother is a total jerk. Considering that my DH doesn't much care for him either says volumes about his personality. He has always acted like he is SO much better than everyone else in the family--why, I don't know. Anyway.

We decided to get DD#1 a bike for Christmas. She loves to go for bike rides but she was still riding the BMX Mongoose she got for Xmas when she was 10--she is now 15 and is a little old for a pink and purple little girl's bike! So my DH went out looking and found this awesome HOT PINK 24" mountain bike with shocks and everything. (She may be fifteen, but she LOVES PINK!) It is a perfectly nice bike, but when my DH took me to see it at my MIL's, his brother started in with this condescending tone about how it was a nice BEGINNER bike and it would be ok for her NOW, etc. etc. He went on and on as if it wasn't GOOD enough for her and how CHEAP we were for purchasing it in the first place. By the time we left I was ready to strangle him and bury him in the back yard!

Did I mention that he likes to think he is a freaking expert on EVERYTHING and acts like he has tons of money? Truth is he lives with his MOTHER--always has--so in reality he is a L.O.S.E.R. But do I tell him this? Of course not! But I sure wanted to cram that bike up his--oh, wait, this is a PG blog. I'll leave it to your imagination where I'd like to see that bike other than under our Xmas tree!! *grin* Self-serving, pretentious little pr***....

`.

+
+

This happened nine years ago, but it's probably the worst thing I've ever said. I was a new mommy with a DH who worked ridiculous hours and I was on the phone venting to my best friend. I told her that he was never home and when he did come home all he did was make a mess for me to clean up and then leave again. I told her I didn't have a husband, I had a messy roommate who was only good for paying the mortgage.

DH was supposed to be outside mowing the lawn but he'd come in and I didn't hear him but, you guessed it, HE heard ME on the baby monitor. It was so awful. But nine years and another kid later he's still my best friend. And he still pays the mortgage, LOL.

Once again I ranted about dh's kids and my niece never saying thanks for the gifts we give and send. I ranted before Christmas was here and said 'I think this is the last year I'm giving'. True to form we haven't heard from the one that lives away and my niece only said something because I phoned her and asked if the tops fit.
The grandkids who were with us were told to thank Grandma and Grandpa and did so but the parents never said anything about their gift.
WHY don't I keep quiet; each year I think this after saying something because it must hurt dh and I've said it many years and things won't change.

I am not alone! We all have our moments, don't we?

The LC Eileen

Ok, I was mocking my niece. She is well known in the family as a walking disaster. If anything bad can happen with a car, relationship, appliance, etc. it happens to her. She was talking about getting training to be a 911 operator at the yearly Christmas lunch at my mom's house. After she left I just couldn't help myself. I said - Can you imagine if she is an operator and she get this call - 'I have a problem can you send help' and my niece will say 'You think you've got problems, that's nothing, wait till you hear my problems'. I guess it was all in the delivery because I had the whole house laughing. I know I should feel bad but we make mocking each other an art form in my family. Ah well, there is always confession.

Bright side: Maybe it's better for Cowboy's mom to know, be "temporarily" hurt/shocked, look into the issue, and then PERMANENTLY fix the problem and all will live happily, non-stressedly after.

PS: Yes, I've been called a Pollyanna before.

Okay, this happened years ago, but it's still my favorite foot in mouth story.

My son's dad and I had recently split up and he started dating what is now his wife. She's prone to throwing loud, public temper tantrums that would impress even Jerry Springer. She's also one of those women who automatically assumes every woman he dated is A) A bitch and B) Still after the loser. It killed her that we had a child together and she was forever pulling childish pranks on me. So one day she had it in her mind to hassle me at work and scheduled her child to see the doctor I worked for. When I told my boss what was going on, he gave me the green light to cancel her appointment and refer her elsewhere. (Gotta love that man for that) Well, Miss Ghetto decides to show up anyway. Keep in mind that I'd never actually seen her face to face. So in walks this woman with a Grape Nuts complexion and I ask her (quite sincerly, I swear!) if she's looking for the dermatologist's office!

Did I stick my foot in my mouth? Yup. Did I intend it? Nope. Do I regret it. Not so much, no.

I wasn't going to tell this story, but I just have to....

I have a guy friend at work who, for some unknown reason, I seem to have an uncanny way of delving into his psyche with regular frequency and putting my foot in my mouth at the same time. I swear, I never say anything provocative, but for some reason I will touch some chord deep within him and he gets this look on his face and I'm like "What? What did I say NOW?!" and he is just floored and I have no idea why!!

The one that I particularly remember was an innocent aside that I had talked to an old mutual friend (a former co-worker) the day before. That was it. No reason to cause a meltdown, right? WRONG! Next thing I knew I received this incredibly strange phone call from him where he was practically hyperventilating and telling me stuff I REALLY didn't want to know about him and this woman. It was so surreal. (And really, what DO you say when your friend starts telling you about a 3-way and other details that you have no idea ever happened?!!) All because I said I had talked to her... Guess he was afraid she would spill the beans to me, so he wanted to beat her to the punch! AND I want you to know that I never said a word to anyone about what he told me, even though it was GOOD STUFF!! Blackmail material for YEARS!! Nah, I wouldn't do that to him.

But see, I put my foot in my mouth continuously and I don't even know I am doing it!! Maybe if I didn't TALK so much I could curb it a little more... You think?!! *grin*

Oh, honey. How much time do you have? The only problem is picking which one...

... maybe the time I was in my first sales meeting at a television station I'd just started working for, and someone asked me what I thought of a particular ad guy (who is a total asshole) and I said, in very colorful language, that he was a total asshole, only to discover that the woman who had been sitting next to me at the time was his live-in girlfriend.

... then there was the time I was joking about people who smoke while wearing oxygen tanks, like isn't it enough that they're gonna die of lung cancer, now they have to take out the entire building in an explosion? Right as a woman with an oxygen tank (who, just for the record, was NOT smoking) walked by.

... then, of course, there was the time I was teaching a writing class, and in the class there just happened to be a girl who'd acted in a play I'd reviewed. Apparently, I'd called her "merely adequate." Which, as I recall the performance, was being kind. She made a point of smugly stating this fact in front of the whole class, so I proceeded to call back to it for the entire forty-five minutes. "Sure, you can do that if you want to be merely adequate," I'd say, with a wink in her direction.

Actually, I liked that last one. She deserved it.

This is what I'm talking about, people! Excellent work! Keep 'em coming!

The LC Eileen

I told a strange man that I liked the look of his nuts. He was hosting a party we were at and he did have a nice and tasty mixed nut option. I think he took it differently at first. He wishes.