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January 23, 2007
The Big Breakup
This is the stuff from which country music songs are made...
All right. It's been a shaky week here at Casa de Fish, and I have to tell you, I'm a little wary to talk about it. But now that the dust has settled, I feel it's time to let you know that I got dumped.
By my garbage company.
Oh. Heh. You didn't think I meant me and Fish, did you?
Anyway, this week I went out to get the mail, and there was this thin, windowless letter from my garbage company, and I felt the tremors beneath my feet. When big companies send you windowless letters, you know it's personal. All the standard stuff comes with windows.
When it's windowless, it's bad.
So, I ripped it open, wondering what I had done. Yeah, I hadn't paid the bill technically the moment I got it, but it wasn't overdue. I thought. Where had I put it, anyway?
Maybe the guys had complained because, despite the fact that Thursday morning happens on a fairly predictable schedule, Fish always seems to forget. Which is beyond me. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day. You'd think eventually, sometime, just from pure chance, he'd know what day it was.
I opened the letter with shaky hands and read. Then I called the number at the bottom of the page, and this is pretty much, word-for-word, kinda what transpired:
LADY: Garbage Haulers R Us? How can I help you?
ME: Yeah. I just got this letter.
LADY: (under her breath) Oh, no.
ME: And I was wondering... was it something I did?
LADY: (pause) Um, no. Actually, due to financial considerations, we've had to restrict our routes to a smaller geographical area so some of our customers, unfortunately, um--
ME: It's okay. It's best to just rip off the band-aid.
LADY: Are getting dumped.
ME: No pun intended.
LADY: Oh, no, of course no--
ME: So, what are you saying here? It's not me, it's you?
LADY: (pause) Um, well...
ME: I mean, this is the first Dear John letter I've ever gotten from a garbage hauler. I'm just not sure how to feel about this.
LADY:
ME: So I was wondering if you knew of any good, solid, dependable garbage haulers in my area I might be able to rebound on? You know, just to get me through the really dark days?
LADY: Oh. Sure. You bet.
ME: I'm just really surprised, you know? I mean, I knew we were having problems. but I thought we could work them out.
LADY: It's really not you.
ME: I was going to set up a reminder on my husband's PDA that beeped really loud at five a.m. on Thursdays and set it by his head while he was sleeping.
LADY: You didn't do anything wrong. Really. It's us. We just weren't ready to commit to your area. We were neglected when we were tiny, tiny babies, and we tend to overcompensate by taking on too much too fast.
ME: Oh. Well. Maybe you should start seeing a therapist.
LADY: We're planning to address that in the second quarter.
ME: Okay. Well. I guess this is it, then.
LADY: Yeah.
ME: Take care of yourself. And, you know, if you ever want to try something a little less intense. Maybe just drop by, say hello, pick up the recycling on occasion--
LADY: Yeah. No. Sorry.
ME: Okay. You had the number for the other guy?
LADY: Yeah. You bet.
And that was pretty much that. I'm over it now. Like I said, we were having our problems. It wasn't an ideal relationship. Besides, I've got a better plan. I'm letting Fish believe that they broke up with us because he could never remember Thursdays, and the guilt alone has prompted two weeks of whine-free garbage duty from him. I figure I can ride this for another month.
Sometimes, it pays to get dumped.
Posted by Lani at 9:09 AM | Comments (8)
Comments
Oh, Lani, that was so funny it hurt. Only you could make getting dumped by your garbage company that hilarious. I can't wait for you to get your phone service cut off.
LC Eileen
Posted by: The LC Eileen at January 23, 2007 1:32 PM
LC Eileen, I was still laughing over Lani's post when I read your comment. Perhaps, I can get the two of you to break up with my veterinarian for me? Cause it really is him, not me but who says that? The dog and I just aren't feeling it any more.
Posted by: Sheryl at January 23, 2007 5:58 PM
I came very close to peeing myself. Loss of bladder control is not going to impress anyone.
Posted by: Eileen at January 23, 2007 10:02 PM
Okay that was the funniest thing I have read in ages. Thanks for the great laugh.
Posted by: Alexis at January 23, 2007 10:36 PM
LOL! I know! I couldn't believe it when I got the letter. I've never been dumped by a major utility before. It's an odd feeling.
Sheryl - re: your vet. Just stop calling. He'll get the hint.
Eileen - loss of bladder control always impresses me. ;)
Posted by: Lani ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at January 24, 2007 10:57 AM
Sheryl,
I have to admit, our vet pretty much broke up with us over my demented self-mutilating cat. I think he thought the cat might be possessed. It's not a route I suggest taking though.
LC Eileen
Posted by: The LC Eileen at January 24, 2007 12:49 PM
Eileen, after reading Lani's tale of woe I share your loss of bladder control :-)
Lani, you have such a knack for turning a personal disaster into a funny for us. You're priceless. Please don't ever change.
Posted by: Michelle C at January 24, 2007 4:02 PM
Lani,
That was hysterical. Thanks for the belly-laughs. Kinda reminds me of when I do that "instant tech support" offered by AOL and I just mess with the technician. You know, flirting, acting like a moron, telling him or her my personal problems, etc.
Hasta!
Wendy T
Posted by: Wendy Toliver at January 29, 2007 2:00 PM
