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March 2, 2007
Too Famous for My Shirt
Um... didn't I say I wanted my Evian at room temperature?
First, you guys are so sweet! I wasn't fishing for compliments on the fame thing in the last post, but man, if I was, I would've won the... whatever fishing guys win. It's not a big belt... that's boxing. Um... the biggest stinky, decomposing fish? Whatever, I would have won it. You guys rock.
And oddly enough, I find myself struggling with the whole fame thing this week. Now, please understand, I have nothing to complain about. Brittney, Angelina, Jennifer - these girls I feel for. No one's ever going to come to my house and take pictures of me as I go out to get groceries. My fame is severely limited and rather impersonal, which is fine by me.
What weirded me out is a call I got yesterday. It seems the story the local alternative weekly is doing on me later this month is actually going to be the cover story for that week. The cover story. Which, if I remember correctly from my days working at a similar alternative weekly in Anchorage, is three to five thousand words. Which is a lot of words, and just between us girls, I'm not that interesting. Plus, they're not going to use my standard publicity shot. They're actually having me come in for a real photo shoot.
And I'll tell ya, I'm kinda freaked out.
I don't know why. It's very weird. I have never shied away from being the center of attention. In high school, my acounting teacher used to give me five minutes to tell jokes at the beginning of class. I acted and did stand-up comedy in college. I can get up in front of just about any group and talk - hogging the spotlight has never been a problem for me. I think the difference here is that I pursued that. I controlled it. Now things are coming at me which never even occurred to me, and I'm a little wigged out.
So, I decided it's time to embrace it all. The fame, the fortune, the cabana boys... bring it on. I just need a little help getting ready, and I thought maybe you guys could hook me up.
First... I need a celebrity couple name. Lani and Fish. Lish? Fani? Fishani? Lanish? Is it just me, or do they all sound vaguely Hindu? Which is okay. I can hang with Ganesh. I'm good. Vote for your favorite in the comments, or make up a new one! I'm also extremely flexible!
Next... I need a stalker. At the moment, I'm clean out, so I was thinking maybe one of you Chicklets could do the job? Anybody coming to the signing in Maryland this weekend? If you are, you can totally be my stalker. Just come on up, introduce yourself, and I'll hand you the application. (Note: The position is unpaid, and comes with a thorough background check/psychiatric evaluation. I may be famous, but I'm not stupid.)
Third... I need paparazzi. Someone needs to take pictures of me from a high-power telephoto lens while I'm taking the kids to the dentist. Just make sure it's cheap, because Fish is going to have to beat you up and break the camera, and I'd hate to see you out all that money. That would just suck.
And last... I need a rabid fanbase. People that will go around the internet and anytime anyone says anything bad about me, no matter how justified, they have to get all rabid and foamy and say, "NO! HOW DARE YOU SAY LANI DIANE RICH IS A SELL-OUT! SHE ROCKS!" Oh, and yes, it does have to be all in caps. Part of the rabid fanbase thing is being a little crazy, so I'm leaving the psychological evaluation out of this position, although it is also unpaid.
Okay. I think that covers it. Have I missed anything? Oh, yeah, something for my big, fat, swollen head. Yikes. Um... think a bag of frozen peas will do? And if there's anything you think I've missed which is necessary for my newly famous position in society, suggestions will be gladly collected in the comments.
Now where's that damn Evian?
Posted by Lani at 6:00 AM | Comments (17)
Comments
Babe! No stalker? Hello! Who the heck am I? Okay, so I don't look in your windows at night and I don't go through your garbage (though I think you'd like that, as long as I hauled it away with me), and I've actualy never been to your house, but I email you like nonstop and bug you about stupid crap. Is that not a stalker? Gees, you try to stalk some people and they just never give you any respect.
As for the couple name, I vote for either Filani (which actually kinda sounds Hawaiian if you say it right) or Lanish (which I suppose is more appropriate since your name comes first). Just don't ask me to say it on day 3 of a conference trip, because I'll call you Lane-ish and Alesia Aleesha.
Posted by: Cate at March 2, 2007 9:05 AM
Oh, honey, you already have the fanbase. Turn us loose and we will do the damage.
'Fanish' will celebrate you, Fish, and all of us who slavishly follow your every move.
Posted by: hollygee at March 2, 2007 9:35 AM
Dammit! Again, I live on the wrong side of the country (which is actually the right side even though it's on the left) to be a stalker! I could totally do it, too.
How about Fanilish? Lifanish? Filanish? (Obviously, I have an "ish" thing going here...)
Posted by: Dia ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.literarychicks.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 2, 2007 12:46 PM
I vote for Filani.
BTW, what is a glittering hooha? We want to know over at JCF also.
Posted by: Terri at March 2, 2007 1:03 PM
How cool is that!?
I'll come stalk you this summer, 'kay?
Posted by: Whitney at March 2, 2007 1:04 PM
OOH! I've always wanted to unleash my stalker side! And did you say that people are saying bad thing about you? WHO ARE THOSE CRAZY PEOPLE? Okay, deep cleansing breaths. I'm sure they didn't mean it. They were probably just misguided or misinformed or something. I'll talk to them.
Posted by: RandomRanter at March 2, 2007 1:32 PM
Congrats on your fame. I like the name Lishi.
Posted by: Maureen at March 2, 2007 1:47 PM
For a celebrity couple name I suggest LASH :)
Posted by: Lis at March 2, 2007 2:10 PM
You are totally stalk worthy! Unfortunately, like Dia, I am way too far away to pull it off. Maybe we could meet in the middle somewhere and I could leave creepy messages on your hotel room door or something and call at odd hours. I seem to remember that being part of the gig.
Posted by: The LC Eileen at March 2, 2007 7:19 PM
You totally forgot FINI as an option. I know, rather final, but what else does the world have to look forward to? You're it, babe!
Although there's also LAFISH (tickles me fancy) and FILA, but that's already taken and FISL (for reasl, dizzle). Okay, no, that tickles me fancy.
Practice throwing signs and you'll be set.
:)
Posted by: Q at March 2, 2007 10:57 PM
I agree with Lis, LASH sounds so rock star couple-ey dontcha think?
I'll join the stalker brigade. How 'bout I inundate Oprah with e-mails telling her your next book needs to be on her reading list? Or I can do what some crazy journalist did to Hugh Grant and handcuff myself to you. Too much?
Posted by: Janina at March 3, 2007 12:36 AM
I once had to do a photo shoot for one of those anorexic-model-on-every-page magazines TWO MONTHS after I had my first baby. It was harrowing, I tell you. Until I actually got there after days and days of shopping in vain for something I looked passable in...only to find the photographer herself was 8 months pregnant and TOTALLY sympathetic to my fears.
Moral of the story: you are RIGHT. Wallow in every second. We're all rooting for your continued and continually increasing success!
Posted by: Laura Florand at March 4, 2007 9:39 AM
Did I not drive an hour and a half to come make you sit next to me at lunch?!?! I am so the stalker. No promises on passing any kind of psych profile, but I've got you covered, babe :)
Misty - who votes for LASH too, you could get together with SLASH and it would all be good
Posted by: Misty at March 4, 2007 4:21 PM
Hey, I think you've got the stalker/fanbase thing covered, ok? I mean, *I* was sitting at that lunch table as well, and you were totally surrounded by people hanging on your every word.
Also, the fanbase thing is being taken care of over on deeanddeedish.blogspot.com this week, as YOU are the featured author (along with the dark side of Alesia, in the guise of Alyssa Day).
But you already know I can't remember to take pictures, and climbing a telephone pole would be bad on so many levels for me.
Lash is good. It has so many meanings. It could be sweet and soft, like and eyeLASH, giving butterfly kisses. Or NOT sweet or soft, like a whip, doing, you know, whip-y things. Works for me. :)
Posted by: dee at March 5, 2007 12:54 PM
Lan, just read the snippet from The Fortune Quilt, and babe, it made me laugh out loud! It sounds soooo good. I'm gonna rush out and buy one pronto. The countdown to 40 begins.....
love, ww
Posted by: Wanda Woo at March 5, 2007 6:12 PM
Perhaps we could all take turns being your stalker. I'm signed up for Saturday the 10th! I'll take pictures! I'll gush! I'll squeal -- well, no I won't, because I don't squeal. And I draw the line at having you sign any body parts. Crap! Am I a bad stalker?!
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca at March 5, 2007 9:08 PM
I have to say, LASH is turning into a winner! I laughed out loud when I saw it. Lis, if you're still hanging around, e-mail me at lani at literarychicks dot com and I'll send you a signed book, your choice!
As for stalkers... girls, girls... there's room for more than one. Because we're all geographically separated, and just generally busy people, I think maybe we can divide the country up into regions, and you can each take a region, and be responsible for stalking me good and proper whenever I'm in your region. Sound good? Good.
And as far as the RABID FANBASE, I think you all can work that angle... :)
Posted by: Lani at March 7, 2007 1:52 PM
