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April 29, 2005
Didja miss me?
From Lani... again...
Yeah, yeah, I know. How can you miss me if I won't go away?
Ba-doo-boom-chaaaaaa.
Anyway, if you're all done wise-assing for now, I have to tell you that I'm still giving away books over at my website. So, if you haven't already, go enter.
And no, I'm not just saying that because I've been here every day and have completely run out of things to talk about. I'm surprised at you. How could you think such a think? Really.
So. Um.... How are the kids?
Good. Good, that's good. And the in-laws?
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do, right? So... seen any good movies lately?
Okay. Fine. So I'm running out of stuff. But I did write something this morning, and since you're so special, I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!
To Do:
1. Step away from the internet. Really.
2. Shower. Get dressed. Brush teeth.
3. Chase children around the house until they're clean, dressed, and ready to go out and run errands.
4. Have a moment of silence for what would have been naptime before they both got too big for naptime.
5. Get them in the car. Clip their belts. Tell them to stop yelling at each other. Be grateful you have a mini-van so that they can't touch each other while you're driving.
6. Practice your "What? Those kids? Those aren't my kids," look for the long line at the post office.
7. Stand in long line repeating, "Stop. Don't touch that. Stand still. Stop poking your sister," for a full fifteen minutes before realizing you left your packages on the kitchen table.
8. Drag kids kicking and screaming from the post office. Endure dirty looks of the people who think you're too rough/not rough enough with your kids. Everyone will always think one or the other. No one will ever look at you, shrug, and say, "Yeah, that's about right." Ever.
9. Go home. Leave kids in the car for the split second it takes to grab the packages from the kitchen table and return to the elderly neighbor lady standing by the car, giving you her, "I knew you were the worst mother in the universe," look.
10. Find different post office.
11. Go grocery shopping.
12. Drive home, practicing the zen mantra that will help you block out the experience of grocery shopping with two young children.
13. Pull kids from car, realize their pockets are full of candy you didn't buy, and put them back in car.
14. Take the little thieves back to the store and spend 30-45 minutes convincing the manager that they never do this.
15. Get home, realize you've forgotten the one grocery item you can't live without. (It'll probably be the milk. It's always the milk.)
16. Find a different grocery store.
17. Return home. Get kids inside. Repeat instructions ("Go inside. Take off your sneakers. Take off your coats. Hang the coats on the rack.") no less than twelve times before finally dragging them inside and doing everything yourself while elderly neighbor lady watches in severe disapproval.
18. Slam the door in elderly neighbor lady's face. Judgemental wench.
19. Feel really bad about slamming the door in neighbor lady's face as you realize that you're probalby just projecting your severe self-loathing onto her, and she probably just wanted to give you her bundt cake recipe.
20. Stop feeling bad. You're getting a headache.
21. Put away groceries. Pour a glass of water. Sit down on couch for 2.5 seconds before "I'm thirsty! I'm hungry! She touched me!" begins.
22. When Fish comes home and asks how your day was, remember to lie and say, "Great, how was yours?" and then only unload how bad your day really was later when he has the nerve to ask you to grab the remote control for him.
23. Leave Fish with the girls, go hide with the computer, and look up local doctors who perform vasectomies.
Posted by Lani at 8:10 AM
April 28, 2005
Thank God It's Thursday
From Lani, makin' with the free time...
I don't know if Michelle is gonna have time to stop in and report from RT today, but just in case... it's me again! All Lani, all week. No waiting.
Oh, and just in case you're into free books - you know, weird like that - check out my website.
Let this also serve as a reminder that, from here on out, if you want to comment on a blog, just click on the big head.
Speaking of which, Bob called me last night...
... to thank me for immortalizing him in the blog. He still says he's not gonna read my book, though. Which, of course, makes me determined that he will read my book. It is now going to be a battle of epic proportions, a to-the-death clash between Good and I-Will-Not-Read-A-Pink-Book.
I'll let you know how it goes.
In other news... today is Thursday! The kids go to the sitter's today! And I gave my class the day off to work on their projects! Which means I get the day off! Which means FIVE HOURS BABY FIVE WHOLE HOURS TO MYSELF!!
I'll be working on a project I have to get done now because I allowed myself to run late because Colin Firth wouldn't return my calls (long story, don't blame him) but still.
Wait. Since when did my life get to the point where I get excited about five hours to myself... to work?
Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care. FIVE HOURS, BABY!
Ahhh. That feels good.
Posted by Lani at 7:19 AM
April 27, 2005
But enough about me...
From Lani, doin' her little tap-dance...
I'm gonna make this short today because, let's face it, you have things to do. Like take this test and find out...
Yes, I'm serious. A couple of caveats. The site I created the quiz on is German, so there are some mild translation funnies. And I couldn't go back and edit so there are one or two mild typos. But it's fun and if you've been reading the site for a while, you should get most of the jokes. If not... well, just take the test, click my head, and let me know...
Posted by Lani at 6:47 AM
April 26, 2005
Charity anthology available!!
Alesia, in rush travel & deadline mode. . .
Hello, all. I'm part of an anthology with several very talented paranormal authors (I know; I don't know why they invited me, either!
Alesia, rushing around to get ready for RT
Welcome to Brokenoggin Falls, where the housewives are not only desperate, they’re Witches!
(And one of them might be a Harpy)
The spells cast by moonlight frequently go awry. And there are times when toads and Chihuahuas seem abundant as black flies in the summer, the dragons are a little touchy, the Forest Trolls are in danger of extinction from teeny-boppers, the Gryphons need help conceiving and...the scientists are crunchy and good with ketchup... (not to mention a certain recovering demon slayer who sells lingerie town to town . . .)
All proceeds from the sales of this book will go to the International Red Cross.
Bewitched, Bothered &…Be-Vampyred…
By
Mary Jo Putney------- MaryJanice Davidson
Vicki Lewis Thompson------- Alesia Holliday
Gena Showalter ------- PC Cast
Patricia Rice ------- Susan Grant
Sophia Nash ------- Kathryn Caskie
Jennifer St. Giles ------- Linda Wisdom
Judi McCoy ------- Shelly Laurenston
Rachel Carrington ------- Lynn Warren
Elizabeth Holcombe ------- Michelle Rowen
Fiona MacLeod ------- Terese Ramin
You won't want to miss this "Bewitching" event where all proceeds will go to aid the International Red Cross. Please pick up a copy today!!
Thanks for your support!
Kristi Studts
Kristi Studts, Publisher
Triskelion Publishing
www.triskelionpublishing.com
Posted by Alesia at 1:48 PM
Lani Week!
From Lani, at the center of her own universe...
Something just occurred to me this morning.
Michelle and Alesia are both on their way to the Romantic Times Convention in St. Louis. I was supposed to go, too, but due to an unfortunate, completely misunderstood and may I say blown way out of proportion incident involving a moving violation and a drag queen, I've been asked (quite nicely, actually) not to leave town.
Okay. You got me. That's a joke. But the truth - that I was broke and on deadline - just isn't as much fun, now is it?
At any rate, since the other Chicks might be too busy to post (yes, I said "might," no, I didn't ask them ahead of time, what kind of person do you think I am? Organized? Prepared? Exactly how long have you been coming here?) I've decided that I will come on in and blog every day this week.
Probably. I might forget. But I will try and although trying isn't enough for Yoda types, it will just have to do here, because baby, it's all I've got!
However, since I was unprepared today for blogging, and have to teach a class and raise some children and write a book, yadda yadda, today's blog will basically be...
Dig the new look!
I spent some time tooling around with the design this weekend. Also, as you may have noticed, my head has gotten bigger. No, not as a result of the whole Literary-Chicks-blogging-revolves-around-me-this-week thing, but because I re-did the headshots you see on all our blogs. And, bonus, now when you click on any of our faces, you'll be able to send us an e-mail with your comments on the blogs, or whatever.
Just be nice. We're fabulous, but we're fragile. Okay, maybe not fragile, but we like it when you're nice to us. Makes us all giggly inside.
Go ahead. Click my head. See what happens...
(Shut up, Bob.)
Posted by Lani at 8:38 AM
April 25, 2005
But I Just GOT Here!
From Beth, in her very last guest blog entry...sniff...
I used to fly A LOT. This was because, once upon a time, I lived near New York City and my fiancé lived in Los Angeles and we squeezed in weekends of whirlwind romance whenever we could. As you can imagine, I racked up an obscene number of frequent flyer miles. The Continental Airlines check-in people at Newark and LAX knew me by name. "Hi, Beth," they’d say, heaving my suitcase onto the conveyer belt, "how’s the wedding planning coming along?"
Due to my elite flyer status, I started getting bumped up to first class on almost every trip, which, on a 5-hour flight, really makes a difference. The big, cushy seats, the warm cookies, the free wine…it gets to the point where the pilot announces that, "due to weather conditions, we’ve been asked to circle for an extra 45 minutes" and instead of swearing or crying or tying your own hands to the armrests so you won’t strangle the adolescent playing the incessantly beeping hand-held video game two rows behind you, you just laugh merrily and hold out your glass for another refill of Chardonnay.
But now my husband and I live in the same state (the same house, in fact) so I don’t travel nearly as much as I used to. Which means that the days of wine and roses and first-class upgrades are over. I just came back from a series of book signings in Los Angeles and I have officially fallen from grace: I’m back in coach now. Waaaay back by the lavatories and the flight attendant galley. On the way to California, I sat next to a chatty woman who treated me to a long, detailed explanation of how to do laundry (here’s a shocking, well-kept secret, my friends: it turns out you have to SEPARATE the darks from the whites. Oh, yes) and on the way back I was wedged in next to a burly guy with shoulders that would put the Chicago Bears defensemen to shame. I felt sorry for him, crammed into a middle seat designed for an anorexic Keebler elf, but sorrier still for myself, gazing up the aisle toward the blue curtain that barred me from the luxe I’d once taken for granted. It was so poignant and John Milton, I nearly shed a tear.
Once I got to L.A., I got serious and started prepping for my signings and interviews. I did this by taking off my socks, examining my scrotty, 3-week old pedicure, and reeling with horror at my own slovenliness. Why the hell had I thought writing those extra 5 pages the night before was more important than getting a fresh coat of polish? Who was going to take me seriously with these tacky toenails? Everyone was going to be snickering behind my back. Hollywood is a very pedicure-conscious town! No wonder they tossed me out of first class!
Of all the MANY personal flaws that might humiliate me at a signing or disgrace me during an interview, I don’t know why I picked toenails to obsess about. (Really, who knows why writers do ANYTHING? We all have bizarre, longstanding issues…that’s why we’re writers.) But I convinced myself that I could not possibly leave the room until the toenail issue had been resolved. And as long as I was going to be slovenly, I might as well go all the way…so I threw another coat of nail polish OVER the existing, chipped pedicure job. Classy, eh? That’ll show ‘em who’s slovenly!
And on that note, this will be my last literary chick entry. They assure me it’s not because of my personal grooming habits, but I think we all know the truth. I’ll miss you! Please stop by and visit me at my website (www.bethkendrick.com) when you get a chance.
Oh! And I have to give away the literary swag on my way out! If you are…
Shirley Wilson from Belle Haven, VA
Pat Lieberman from Bohemia, NY
Cheryl Strange from Conneaut, OH
Debbie Friedland from Plantation, FL
BJ Deese from West Point, GA
Teresa Hanson from Mitchell, SD
Amy Knupp from Lawrence, KS
Jennifer Jacula from Alberta, Canada
…this is your lucky day. A fresh new copy of one of my books is yours; check your email. And say a little prayer for my next pedicurist.
Posted by at 1:48 AM
April 24, 2005
Shameful Food
From Michelle, wishing junk food didn't taste as good as the healthy stuff...
While we're doing shameful, here are a few less than popular foods that I secretly love (but shhsshh, don't tell anyone!)
Spam...
Not the computer variety, the chopped ham variety (spam, short for spiced ham). Poor spam, it doesn't deserve its reputation of being a cheap luncheon meat because it is especially delicious when dipped in batter and fried!
Liver. Chopped and fried with onions, garlic and a can of baked beans (the Heinz vegetarian variety, not baked beans with lumps of pork fat in). Served with a side order of fries!
And black pudding! Nothing beats black pudding served as part of a weekend breakfast fry up!
Kippers (smoked herring) and kidneys with scrambled eggs!
Faggots in gravy (spicy meatballs made from, um, cow brains).
Owkey, I think I've said enough about food for now!
I won't be around for a bit because I'm leaving for America on Wednesday for the Romantic Times convention in St Louis, and I'll be there for the whole week. YAY!!
See you all soon!
Michelle, off to pack...
PS. I can't stand tripe!
Posted by Michelle at 2:07 PM
April 22, 2005
Friday musings from Freedom Central
Alesia, with the house all to herself mwah ha ha . . .
Navy Guy just took the kidlets off to the cub scout camp-o-rama, where they can run around and scream with a zillion other kids to their hearts’ content, while poor Mommy [snicker] had to stay home and work.
I’m in the finish line stretch; tsunami mode for THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT GUYS. It’s a blast to write, and I almost wish it were a full-length book, so I could keep playing with these characters. Er, except for the part where I need to get started on MURDER BY MASS TORT . . .
If you’re a writer and have any kind of family, you know how hard it is . . .
. . . to get time alone in the house. Sure, you can sneak off to the library, coffee shop, or nearest Motel 6, but, seriously, isn’t writing much more comfortable at home?? Not to mention eating junk food, surfing channels, and reading the all-important PWOTB?
PWOTB, in case you didn’t know, is PROCRASTINATING WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S BOOKS. Books I didn’t have to plot, write, or – most important – worry about copyedits!! Here are a couple I’ve read recently and loved:
DATING DEAD MEN and DATING IS MURDER, by the actor Harley Jane Kozak. She’s a great actor but, trust me, she’s an even better writer. These books rock!
THE GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER, by Susan McBride. Funny and fresh doesn’t begin to describe the troubles Andy gets into while solving murders and dealing with her high-society Dallas mama.
A CONNECTICUT FASHIONISTA IN KING ARTHUR’S COURT by May’s guest chick, Marianne Mancusi. (Actually, I got to read this one way early - it’s a total blast!) Imagine a latte-addicted fashion editor in love, er lust, er, love with Sir Lancelot . . .
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT by Kathryn Caskie. Never read historical fiction. Well, almost never, except for books by friends. I just can’t get past the “no toothpaste” issue . . . But I met Kathryn at a conference and she was so funny, I was sure her book would be, too. Trust me – you’ll adore it!
Finally, a bit of news! Thanks to G. Miki Hayden, an article about chick lit in the May Writer’s Digest magazine talks about the success of Jax Abbott, (um, my alter ego) in the teen fiction market!! How cool to be in Writer’s Digest!!! Also, I received the loveliest call from Kelley St. John, coordinator of the Gayle Wilson Award of Excellence contest (judged by booksellers), telling me that my first novel for teens, SUPER WHAT?, finaled in the contest!
Okay – off to read SIT, STAY, SLAY, er, I mean, off to work! But that Kendra Ballantyne sure is fascinating . . .
Hugs and happy weekending,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 7:11 PM
April 21, 2005
Another Shameless One!
From Michelle, Revealing All (well, nearly...)
As Beth, Alesia and Lani have all given up some of their deepest, darkest, shame-inducing secrets, here are a few from me...
When I was young, I was totally in love, completely infatuated with, madly adoring of...
I am talking the days when he was a long haired, hat wearing, toothsomely cleancut teenager whose voice hadn't broken. The days of Puppy Love and Go Away Little Girl, when I was about nine years old...I kept a Donny scrapbook (which contained a photo of him kissing a fan on the cheek--I was so jealous), I had posters all over my bedroom. I even had a Donny hat. It was true love!
Of course, I realized that my love for Donny was just Puppy Love after all. He was just a boy, but my love for Major Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man (me aged about fourteen) was obviously the Real Thing! How could Jaime Summers reject him and break his heart? He was gorgeous, intelligent, and of course he could jump off high walls with his bionic legs. The perfect man...
...until Rod Stewart. It must have been that mullet hairdo he sported, along with DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
Of course, my love for Donny, Steve and Rod wasn't the real thing--not the true love I now feel for Robert Plant, and Johnny Rzeznik, LOL.
Michelle xx
Posted by Michelle at 9:55 AM
April 20, 2005
Shameless
Lani, lovin' it...
In the grand, three-day-old tradition of No Shame Week, I'm gonna go ahead and dip into a specific sub-genre of Shame... The Very Bad TV Shows I Can't Live Without.
As you all know, I'm a shameless television junkie. I love it. And quite frankly, it's only getting better as time goes on. TV is finally getting the respect it deserves, and I say yay for TV.
But, let's face it. Some of it is still crap.
American Idol. I know it's big, I know lots of people love it, but it's not about talent, it's about making pop stars. It's about crass commercial appeal. And it's got a guy who looks like he'd be as likely to kill you and stuff your body parts in a trunk as sing you some shimmy-lovin' tunes. But still. I TiVo it and watch it religiously, even though I often have to fast-forward through the performances. I really only watch it to see how out of it Paula Abdul is. People say she's got some level of chemistry experimentin' going on, but my jury's still out. Could be she's just high on life.
It ain't likely, but it's possible.
Note to my lawyer, Alesia, who is hopefully not apoplectic at this moment: I didn't say Scott Savol was a serial killer, just that he looks like a serial killer, which is opinion, and hence not libel. And I didn't say Paula Abdul wasn't high on life, just that I doubted it. More opinion. All on the level. Right? Right? Tell me those hours in Communications Law have paid off...
Iron Chef. I don't cook. At least not much and definitely not well, but I adore Food TV. I could watch it all day long. I love Alton Brown from Good Eats and Rachael Ray from 30 Minute Meals and I'm not ashamed of those, but I only use them to add some dignity to my true addiction - Iron Chef. And not that tame American version - I'm talking the original, crazy-millionaire-foodie-guy Japanese version. It's got everything. Competition. Victory. Defeat. Honor. Funky Food. Bad dubbing. And, of course, my favorite moment of every show - when Crazy Millionaire Japanese Foodie Guy bites into the pepper.
Cracks. My. Ass. Up.
COPS. I never liked this show. I used to promote it when I worked for a FOX station, I used to write one-sheets for the sales team on how great it did with Males 18-34, but I never liked it. As a matter of fact, I still don't like it. It's depressing, it's sad, and the cops are sometimes less likeable than the crooks. (But only sometimes - in general, I love cops. I mean, regular cops, not the show. They risk getting shot at every day so I can live a relatively peaceful life. But the occasional power-hungry asshole does manage to get some airtime on COPS, and that guy always bugs me because he makes the rest of the great ones look bad.) Anyway, my husband loves it, and for some reason, whenever he has it on, I find myself completely intrigued. Can't look away. It's the television version of rubbernecking, I guess. But still, I can't stop myself. It's crap, but it's truly riveting television.
Posted by Lani at 2:32 PM
April 19, 2005
No Shame Week, a Sequel
Alesia, preparing to go into deadline lurk mode . . .
Ah ha, no shame week. What can I possibly talk about? I only have the best possible taste in all areas of life (snicker) . . . except, maybe . . .
TERRIBLE, REALLY BAD, WAY WORSE THAN “B” HORROR MOVIES
Love ‘em. Can’t get enough of ‘em. If an actor you’ve never heard of is the star and zombies are munching out on at least one person or giant snakes, insects, frogs, or vampire Chihuahuas are involved, count me in. Plus I can spend a whole day on the Classics. (What can I say? It’s a sickness.)
WENDY’S FRENCH FRIES
Salt. Grease. No need to go on.
DREAMING UP MORE & MORE OUTRAGEOUS WAYS TO THREATEN MY CHILDREN
“If you don’t clean your room, I’ll send you to Siberia to live in an igloo.”
“If you use your rude voice again, I’ll hang you upside down by your toenails from the ceiling fan and turn it on high.”***
***[NOTE to humor-challenged people and the Child Protection Agency: We are a no-hit, use-your-words family, and my kids know the difference between fiction and non-fiction. Seriously, relax.]
THE SOUNDTRACK FROM THE MOVIE GREASE
Come on. Like you haven’t danced around the house to “Grease is the word”??
PEOPLE MAGAZINE
Like it’s in any way important to my life which star has more cellulite on her butt. Sigh. And don’t you love the way they throw in that one story each issue about some ordinary person doing something fantastic, like walking through a blizzard for seven months to save a child from rabid polar bears, so they can pretend to be a magazine with a social conscience? “Sure, we spend 99% of our time talking about who may have: 1) had a boob job, 2) had an affair, 3) filed for divorce, 4) danced at a club with Paris Hilton, but there was that POLAR BEAR story!!! We are a FORCE of GOOD in the WORLD!!!”
And yet . . . I don’t just read it. I
SPENDING HOURS ONLINE WHEN I SHOULD BE WRITING . . .
Ooops!! This may be the worst! So . . .
Hugs,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 10:23 AM
April 18, 2005
So Wrong...Yet So Right
From Beth, shameless hussy
Thank you, Lani, for spawning the Literary Chicks’ official No Shame Week (girl’s a genius, I tell you.) We will be confessing our deepest, darkest predilections over the next 7 days and you can sit back and judge us harshly. Or break down and admit that you, too, have a weakness for…
KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE
As delicious as it is orange. One of the best things about being an official adult is that I can have mac’n’cheese for dinner (or lunch, or even breakfast) whenever I see fit. Which turns out to be quite often.
And yes, it must be Kraft. I’m appallingly snobbish about what brands of cut-rate pre-packaged pasta dinners I’ll ingest. Ironic, no?
ABBA
"You can dance…you can jiiive…having the time of your life…"
Then, of course, there's...
SCARY BOOKS ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS
Especially those by Lisa Gardner, Tess Gerritsen, and John Douglas (his are the scariest of all, because he’s a former FBI profiler who writes about cases that actually happened.) This kind of reading material is not shameful, but the fact that I have to sleep with the lights on for several days after I finish a book is. My husband and the dogs form a voting bloc and lobby to move me to the guest bedroom if I’m going to insist on keeping the lamp lit all night, but they will never prevail. Guest bedrooms are well-known watering holes for mass murderers. I watch Court TV; I know what’s up.
GEORGE MICHAEL’S "FAITH" ALBUM
Best. CD. Ever.
"BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE"
The line, "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K" got even funnier once I moved to California, where they actually have Circle K stores. One of my all-time favorite movies. And so educational! To this day, I will drop everything if it comes on cable.
Bonus points for rhyming "Freud" with "dude."
CADBURY MINI EGGS
Not to be confused with Cadbury Crème Eggs, which are entirely different. Why the hell don’t they make the mini eggs all year round? Cadbury’s stubborn refusal to do so leaves me no choice but to hoard them at Easter. How degrading. Damn you, heartless candy barons!
BARGAIN HUNTING AT T.J. MAXX, MARSHALL’S AND LOEHMANN’S
Shameful because sometimes I will buy things JUST BECAUSE they are on sale: "The dress is eh, but the deal is too great to pass up!!!" And often you really can find hidden treasure buried among the racks. In fact, last weekend I snapped up a $300 Tahari denim jacket for the bargain price of…okay, it was still expensive, but it was a RELATIVE bargain.
"90210" RE-RUNS
I will always have a soft spot for the old-school episodes. My favorite plotline is the one where Dylan and Brenda break up and she goes to Paris for the summer and convinces Dean Cain, aka doofy American tourist Rick, that she’s French. And then she comes home to find that while she was abroad, Dylan took up with Kelly. Gasp! And then Rick (or "Reek," as faux Frenchie Brenda must call him) comes to town and takes her to a swanky restaurant where they run into her faithless brooding poet ex-boyfriend and the little blonde minx and it totally disintegrates into a catfight. Now that’s entertainment.
Now say it with me, y’all: "Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!"
Posted by at 1:29 AM
April 16, 2005
Mock Me
Lani, getting the last laugh...
In a world where everything is suitable for mockery – like, for instance, Dr. Ruth Wordheimer – I thought I’d come out here today and admit to my most mock-worthy obsessions because... well because I believe that even worse than the superiority-addicts - who can only enjoy things that are obscure enough to almost guarantee no one will mock them for their tastes because no one knows what the hell they’re talking about - are the superiority-victims who are afraid of expressing their tastes for fear someone might disapprove.
So, cover me. I’m going in.
Billy Joel. It has come to my attention is recent years that Billy Joel is becoming the subject of mockery, mostly by the younger crowd but I find that some people from my world are beginning to file their Billy albums under M for Manilow. And while there can be some argument made for a post-Glass Houses degradation in quality in the Joel arcana, I see no shame in rocking out to the occasional “River of Dreams.” So there. And to anyone who has been shamed from exploring Joel because of the mockery, I say, start with “The Stranger.” Vienna waits for you, baby.
General Foods International Coffees. I realize in the days of a Starbucks on every corner – which, just for the crime of being successful, is also endlessly mocked – that enjoying powdered coffee is just about the most mock-worthy of mockable sins. But I’m enjoying a nice cup of Cafe Vienna right now, and I have to say, it’s good, and quite a bit cheaper per serving than anything I’ve ever purchased in any fru-fru cafe, Starbucks or otherwise.
Joss Whedon. Okay, Joss is a bit different from the other examples because the people who know him love him and the people who don't, don't know him to mock him. But still, I've been on the business end of multiple eye rolls since I became a Whedon convert. For those of you unfamiliar with the name, he’s the creator behind Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, Angel: The Series, and Firefly. I myself was an anti-Buffy snob up until last year. When my friends would tell me they thought it was genius, I would mock. “Buffy The Vampire Slayer?” I’d say, my voice dripping with superiority and mocking. “Oh, please.” Well, in the grand tradition of my sitting down to a big steaming plate of crow, I have to say I’ve learned more about writing from watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer than in any workshop I’ve ever taken, hand to God. I’d say Whedon got the last laugh, but what the hell does he care that one more former snob was converted? I definitely got the better end of that deal.
Chick Lit and Romance novels. Okay. I know. I write them, so it doesn't count because I'm only defending myself. But it burns me that anyone has to defend their taste in books. And why is it only women that have to defend themselves? There are just as many bad horror or spy novels out there as bad romance novels, yet it's romance that gets mocked. And, typically, I find it's women doing the mocking. Why? Beats the hell out of me. But I'll take two people falling in love and finding their happily ever after over submarines threatening nuclear holocaust every day of the week and twice on Sundays. S'all I'm saying.
I guess the big picture here is that everyone should just enjoy what they enjoy and don't worry about what other people think. Blast "Copacabana" from your house if it feels good, and doesn't violate any city noise ordinances. Read the pink books if they make you happy inside. Life’s too friggin’ short, I say, to avoid liking things simply because too many other people like them.
Unless you're translating books into Klingon. That's just weird.
Posted by Lani at 2:57 PM
April 15, 2005
Happy Tax Day and assorted rambling
Alesia, contemplating the IRS . . .
I always wondered which of the little girls and boys in my second-grade class were working hard on their homework, dreaming of the day that they could grow up and work for the IRS.***
*** NOTE to IRS: I am a HUMOR WRITER and you should take nothing I say SERIOUSLY, or in any way as a catalyst for AUDITING MY BUTT back into the Dark Ages . . .
Seriously, can you imagine cocktail parties? Especially around April 15th? “What do YOU do for a living?” It’s got to SERIOUSLY SUCK. HUGELY, even.
Speaking of things that do NOT suck, I got my new cover for my October anthology, THE NAKED TRUTH, and it’s GORGEOUS!!! The .jpg file is hinky, so for some reason it shows up as a yellow-green background, instead of the brilliant royal blue it really is (with red foil accents; did I mention I ADORE it??).
I have truly been blessed by the cover art fairies; this will be my ninth book (counting the anthologies), and I’ve loved every one of the covers!!
In PEN NAME news, I’m secretly writing a dark paranormal romance and wondering about taking another pen name for it. My blog on the 17th at ROMANCINGTHEBLOG.COM is all about the pen name question and what you think – stop by Sunday and leave me a comment, if you get a chance.
OK, Navy Guy and tiny Cub Scout are going for a sleepover at the Museum of Science and History, so I have to go help them remember the important things, like sleeping bags (guys tend to remember the snacks and not much else . . .)
Hugs and happy weekending,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 2:56 PM
April 14, 2005
More Trouble With Phones, Trams and Trains!
From Michelle, doing a lot of walking these days...
So last Friday Oh Patient One and I had to go to the American Embassy in Amsterdam to get our house sale documents notarized. Also, I needed to go to the British Embassy to get my passport renewed.
Oh Patient One was arriving back in Amsterdam's Schiphol airport from a business trip to India that morning, so we made arragements to meet in Amsterdam Central Station at 8 am. We would coordinate the whole meeting up thing with our cell phones, of course, just in case of his flight being delayed, etc. So, what could possibly go wrong?
The Cell Phone
Teenager #2 went on a school trip to a water park thing last week. He took my cell phone with him. When he arrived home he was dripping wet, and my cell phone was buzzing very angrily, and none of the buttons worked...
"Um, it accidentally got a bit wet," Teenager #2 told me just a bit sheepishly.
It seems that he was attacked by a giant wave leaping out of the feature swimming pool. If only the wave had attacked him before he dried off and got dressed!
So after I pushed poor Teenager #2 into the bathroom for a hot shower, I dismantled the angrily buzzing cell phone and put it on the windowledge to dry. Mebbe it would work once it was dry?
Wednesday. Cell phone still buzzing angrily when battery reinserted.
Thursday. Same as Wednesday.
So I went out and bought another cell phone, and then called Oh Patient One with my new number.
The Train
Off I set on Friday morning for the 7 am train. Got to the station, bought a ticket, acquired coffee, climbed on train, off it went on time. Yes!
Unfortunately, three quarters of an hour later, I was stuck in Den Haag. Apparently, there was a problem with the line, so we all had to climb off the train and await further instruction.
I called Oh Patient One, who had arrived in Amsterdam and had heard all about the trouble with the trains. So, after a bit of a discussion, I caught the next train back to Rotterdam. I would reach Amsterdam via the other Rotterdam/Amsterdam route.
In the meantime, the track problem was solved so I got the next train out of Rotterdam, which just happened to be a high speed train. Yes! I'd be in Amsterdam in plenty of time for the American Embassy's closing time of 11.30 am. And still time to get to the British Embassy...
Unfortunately, the normally high speed train stopped at every station along the route to make up for the delay. I finally arrived in Amsterdam at 10.30 am, so we had to make a dash to the American Embassy. Of course, this meant that I missed the British Embassy. No problem! I would go back to Amsterdam on Monday.
The Tram
Owkey, there I was at the tram stop on Monday morning. And then, after half an hour of waiting for the tram and puzzling about why it hadn't come, I discovered that the tram line would be out of commission for the next two to three weeks because the tram lines are being upgraded...
I walked to the station. Because knowing my luck, there was probably a problem with the bus, too...
By the way, I put my old cell phone back together and it's working perfectly.
Michelle
Posted by Michelle at 4:31 AM
April 13, 2005
Innocence and the Soft "U"
Lani, who really really needs to get out of the house...
So, I was watching “Between the Lions” with my kids – which, if you’re not a parent, is a show for preschoolers – and they had a segment with Dr. Ruth.
Yes. That Dr. Ruth. I’m alternately pleased and horrified by this, which once again goes to show that being a Gemini does not always work for me.
I’m pleased because the same Dr. Ruth who spent most of the eighties talking about the proper use and application of manufactured vaginal lubrication has gleefully hopped out of that box and is now educating my children. Yay! There’s hope for all of us!
I’m horrified because every time I hear that voice, I’m reminded of the fact that the woman who rambled ceaselessly about the health benefits of frequent orgasm when I was a kid is now teaching my kids how to pronounce a soft “u.” Oh, God. The world is a very Scary Place.
(Bright side; out of all the words she could have used to demonstrate the soft “u” – I’ll give you a moment, use your imagination – she chose “dud.” Whew. Close one.)
And then, of course, I’m horrified that I’m horrified. It’s like a psychological house of mirrors, only instead of mirrors, it’s my mental damage reflecting endlessly on itself. And baby, it ain’t pretty.
Now, you gotta love Dr. Ruth. The woman has an instinct for self-promotion that is astounding to behold. In the eighties – when, I believe, she was in her eighties – she was everywhere. Dr. Ruth jokes were standbys. She never turned down an invitation to make fun of herself, and she never stopped talking about sex. She was a 4 foot 10 self-promotion dynamo, a German (Austrian? Bavarian? Honestly, beats the hell out of me...) whirlwind of stocky shamelessness, and God bless her. I’ve never borne witness to a less self-conscious person, and to be honest, I think the bulk of us could learn a thing or two about just being who you are, just putting it out there and who cares what people think, life’s too damn short, etcetera, etcetera.
Yet... still. There’s no denying that Dr. Ruth Wordheimer showing up on a PBS show for preschoolers is a tad... well... disturbing. She’s gotta be, what, 110 now – although, God bless her, she doesn’t look a day over 105 - and she’s teaching my kids about the soft “u” sound. Something seems wrong with the world, and I can’t put my finger on what it is. Which is ironic, since Dr. Ruth is the prime consultant for where, exactly, one should put one’s finger. But, still, it bugs me that I don’t know why it bugs me.
Is it because I’m prudish, and don’t believe a sex doctor should be teaching my little ones the basics of phonics?
Is it because I feel that taking a job – any job – that doesn’t speak to her passion... which is passion... is somehow below Dr. Ruth?
Or is it because if I’m going to be watching Dr. Ruth at 7:00 in the morning, I want her to be teaching me something, ifyouknowwhatImean?
Hmm. I think I might have just found the right place for my finger...
(Shut up, Bob.)
Posted by Lani at 7:38 AM
April 12, 2005
Blogging and meanness and lawsuits, oh my!!
Alesia, tired of meanness . . .
Can’t we all just get along? In my (admittedly simplistic) view of the world, you get bad karma spearing right back at you times three when you’re mean and catty and vicious to other people. Okay, we all snark and snerk and snorfle to our friends over coffee, or on the phone or, today, via e-mail. The problem comes when we start snorfling in cyberspace, in a forum where oh, say, MILLIONS of people can read a personal and vicious attack that somebody felt like making on another, IDENTIFIABLE person.
Did I mention the lawsuits??
Yep, lawsuits. Ever heard the word LIBEL? Here’s what Black’s Law Dictionary, Seventh Edition, has to say about it:
LIBEL: To defame (someone) in a permanent medium, especially in writing.
(DEFAMATION is the act of harming the reputation of another by making a false written or oral statement that DAMAGES ANOTHER’S REPUTATION. And cyberspace is pretty permanent as media go these days; I’ve got a law professor friend researching the issue for me right now.)
“So, what’s it to me?” you may be asking. “The mean stuff I blog about is always true.”
Well, OK, but really? If you want to learn about how many versions of “true” are possible, sit in on a legal trial sometime. ANY trial. Is your truth the same as the truth of the person whose reputation you’re damaging? Enough to withstand a possible lawsuit? Or even a tidal wave of negative buzz?
Plus, really, is this the kind of reputation you want for yourself? As someone who goes out of his or her way to say mean and spiteful things about other people in print? If you’re a writer, for example, there’s a pretty fair chance your editor, publicist, agent, and other people in the industry will check out your blog at some point. Is that really the impression you want to portray?
I don’t mean to go all preachy here, but so many friends have been hurt by vicious and ill-considered blogging, so it’s been on my mind a lot. I know there’s diatribe as schtick; the shock jocks of the blog-o-sphere. I just don’t read it. I wouldn’t buy books written by those people, either. Does that make me too naïve to live? Maybe. But it’s easier than dodging all that bad karma in these three-inch heels . . .
Hugs,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 5:03 PM
April 11, 2005
Marital Slackers
From Beth, April's Guest Literary Chick!
So my second wedding anniversary is coming up this week and you know what that means:
Time to have a baby.
At least, this is what we keep hearing. From everybody. Friends, family, my husband’s co-workers…they all demand to see our progeny, the sooner, the better. We keep trying to stave them off by saying, "Oh, we’re waiting to see how the dogs turn out first and so far it doesn’t look promising, ha ha." But they are not amused.
It’s not that I don’t want to have children; I do. Well, theoretically, I do. But it is my understanding that babies require a lot of care, attention, and anguished trips to the E.R. at three a.m. Whereas being a writer requires uninterrupted REM sleep cycles and large chunks of quiet time. I just don’t see how these two sets of demands can be reconciled without the intervention of a firm but jovial British nanny, which are in shockingly short supply out here in Arizona.
My friend Shannon assures me that the whole infant-rearing thing is not as challenging as one might believe. She can say this because her daughter Addie is what I like to call a bait baby—a mellow, cheerful, one-in-a-billion cherub of a baby who lures you into believing that you, too, can pop out a child who will be sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. How easy! How delightful! But I am not fooled. I already know that my child would be nothing at all like Addie because, whereas Addie got to spend 9 months basking in the soothing, spa-like environment of Shannon’s womb, MY child would have to endure MY womb, which I imagine is similar to a special ops military bunker in terms of stress level, paranoia, and utter lack of fun. I’m going to be the pregnant woman obsessing about folic acid dosage and second hand smoke and whether my Type-A obsessing is going to create a Type-A, obsessive baby who will not be able to sleep through the night until middle school. I already feel sorry for the poor, nonexistent kid.
Update: last night I went to a wine bar with my husband and, being tired and strung out on allergy meds, decided to stick with water. Our friends immediately started elbowing each other and casually mentioning that should we ever need a car seat properly installed, the fire station was right down the street. Sigh. I’m officially boring and suburban now: if I refuse a drink, people assume it’s because I’m in the family way instead of still hungover from the night before. What’s next? Shopping for a station wagon? (Ooh, maybe it’ll have a CD player!)
Totally irrelevant side note: I’m doing some book signings in the Minneapolis and Los Angeles areas this month. For details, visit the "appearances" section of my website: http://www.bethkendrick.com/news.htm) Please drop by if you can, if only to give me the name of your nanny. Who knows? I may need it someday…but don’t tell our friends, family, or co-workers I said that!
Posted by at 2:57 AM
April 9, 2005
Wuvv... Twooo Wuvvv...
Lani, who has apparently watched The Princess Bride too much...
You know, everyone's talking about this Charles and Camilla thing - giving opinions, passing judgement, sending well wishes. I'm not really qualified to comment, as I know very little about it, but then again, I've never seen a bandwagon I wasn't anxious to explore so let me start by saying, "Get him to put the toilet seat down, Camilla, and you're my girl!"
I'm ignoring the fact that they probably have six bathrooms a piece while I share one with my husband and two daughters. Because this isn't about that.
This is about Camilla, her great-grandmother and Royal Mistress to none other than Charles's great-great-grandfather, which feeds into why I write about love. Because, really, you give me any subject, and eventually, I'll make it about me. I'm really good at that.
One of the things I shoot for in all my books is a happy ending. I love them. I adore them. I don't care if they're not realistic. I got one, single toilet issue aside; I want everyone to have one. So, that's why I write about love. Just makes me happy inside.
So, I started thinking about Charles and Camilla, and I have to say that despite the roadside casualty that was Princess Diana, I like them. In a world where most men Charles's age are going for shiny cars and the vapid 20 year-old-models selling them at the local mall, Charles is choosing Camilla, the woman he's loved for better than thirty years.
He is choosing her, in the face of scandal, in the face of disapproval from his subjects and likely his mother, although with that face I think she pretty much disapproves of everything. She's the picture I show to my children when I tell them their face will freeze that way. The kids are, appropriately, spooked.
But this isn't about how I spook my children.
It's about the fact that I believe he loves her and always has, and I say good for him that he's finally strapped on a pair and told the world that she will be his.
I especially love that while Camilla's an attractive woman, she's not model-pretty like Diana. She's not young. Reports have her as smart, vivacious, witty and kind, despite the fact that she carried on one of the most scandalous and ruinous affairs in recent memory. But here's the thing - he's always loved her, I believe. Real, true love, and had it denied him by duty and birthright. Now he gets to be with the woman he's loved all these years, and I say, God bless.
Now there are many sides to this story, I understand, but I like mine best. It's admittedly shallowly researched, which doesn't bother me because most of what's printed is crap anyway. And having all the facts can be so inconvenient, especially when the small handful of the ones I have paint such a pretty picture, one of love and romantic karma passed down through the generations, from Charles's great-great-grandfather, King Edward VII and his royal mistress, Alice Keppel - Camilla's great-grandmother. How's that for irony?
If you ignore the slightly incestuous overtones there - my understanding is that there are no crossings of the genetic wires between Charles and Camilla, although I don't know for sure, see above re: shallow research - the story becomes terribly romantic.
In 1898, Alice Keppel started an affair with the king. She was his final and longest lasting affair. Oddly enough, Queen Alexandra - like Diana - was known for her fashion sense and charitable deeds, while Alice - like Camilla - was known to be highly influential and a true companion to the king. When the King died, however, Alice Keppel lost all her power. She wasn't even allowed to sign the condolence book to mourn her lost love.
In the world of a romance novel - most likely a paranormal one - Camilla and Charles would have been born to play out that karma. I'm not entirely certain that, in this world, they weren't. It seems too much of a coincidence, too parallel not to have some meaning. So now, despite all the crap, I'm glad to see them get married and complete that circle, lest two other fools a hop, skip and a jump down the generational line end up in the same mess.
So, to Camilla and Charles, I say, have a great time, and thanks for the happy ending.
Posted by Lani at 12:36 PM
April 8, 2005
Synopses, Red Hair, and A Secret of Publishing
Alesia, now a redhead . . .
I hate writing synopses. Plus, I’m not particularly good at it. Also, and this is a big one, my books NEVER, EVER TURN OUT LIKE THE SYNOPSIS.
EVER.
There, I’ve confessed it.
For the past several days, I’ve struggled to write a synopsis for my 2006 chick lit novel. I have a great title, I have a great concept, and a terrific protagonist and very fun supporting characters, so I know I’m going to LOVE writing the book.
But.
My contract is set up so that I get paid for turning in proposals about the upcoming books. In my case, that means a synopsis. This is where the BIG POOPY part of the process comes into play. I SUCK at SYNOPSES.
My first-ever attempt at writing a synopsis still makes me cringe. It sounded like a lawyer wrote it (not all that surprising, considering that a lawyer DID write it, but still). It went something like this:
Then, the party of the first part stormed into the lienholding owned by the party of the second part and proceeded to invoke his irrevocable, binding, and only-to-be-challenged in arbitration steamy kiss. [Kiss is heretofore defined as a meeting of lips by mutual consent, notwithstanding prior definitions, the Florida Rules of Evidence, or how loudly the judge makes armpit farts.]
I’m exaggerating, of course. It really wasn’t that bad. It was WORSE.
Now, of course, I have gotten the hang of it a little bit better, so at least my editor doesn’t want to commit ritual suicide with her letter opener. When I whined to my BRILLIANT and WONDERFULLY PATIENT agent (he bought a whine filter for his phone since he took me on, I’m convinced), he said: “Don’t worry about it. Good authors never have books turn out like their synopses. Editors know this.”
HUH????? WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE AND SAVE ME HOURS AND HOURS OF TORTURE??? Sigh.
Well, you heard it here first. A secret of publishing, in Friday writer’s corner. Good luck! I, of course, stressed about mine so hard that I dyed my hair red today. (Don’t ask, it’s a thing.)
Hugs and happy weekending,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 4:07 PM
April 7, 2005
Goo Goo Dolls!
From Michelle, sick and dull in Rotterdam...
I'm just not feeling like myself today. I have no clue who it is I actually do feel like--mebbe I'll remember once this horrible cold has gone...
In the meantime, I dropped by a favorite website today to cheer myself up. Owkey, I confess, I was checking out hot guys. And hot guys include...
Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls.
A friend of mine dragged me to see the Goos at the Continential Airlines Arena in NJ a couple of years ago and I have been InJohnnyLove ever since.
No, I haven't forsaken my god-among-men Robert Plant. I still nuture my InRobertLove and listen to Lez Zeppelin as I work.
But I have a sidetracking love for Johnny. So imagine my delight when I went to the Goo Goo Dolls website and discovered that they have a fab new look and a fab new song to listen to. Oh, just go here to www.googoodolls.com and listen. You will hear what I mean...
And if you go here, you can see a pic of Johnny.
Enjoy!
Michelle, off to listen more and nurture nasty cold
Posted by Michelle at 6:05 PM
April 6, 2005
Win, Win, Win!
As you all know, with every new guest literary chick comes a new giveaway! And Beth does not disappoint - she is generously putting eight count 'em eight books on the giveaway block for you. Five signed copies of Exes and Ohs and three signed copies of My Favorite Mistake will be awarded to eight separate winners announced on Beth's farewell blog on Monday, April 25th! To enter, just send an e-mail with your NAME and ADDRESS to giveaway@literarychicks.com and you'll be entered to win! Then don't forget to check back on Monday, April 25th to see if you've won!
Interested in learning more? I thought so...
1. One entry per person. That's it. You can send e-mails to us as much as you want, but all duplicates will be deleted. Sorry.
2. Relatives of any Literary Chick, guest or otherwise, are not eligible. This means you, Fish.
3. If you're under 18, get a parent's permission.
4. Method for choosing the winner: All entrant's names will be tied to helium balloons and set loose in the middle of New York State, with specific instructions that, as soon as they are found, the finder must call me and let me know the name of the winner on their balloon. First eight, get the books.
Or, you know, some method equally as random.
5. Winner will also be notified via e-mail within 7 days of announcement, but you know, we thought it'd be cool to be all, "Hey, Congratulations YOU!" on the site. It ain't fifteen minutes of fame, but it's all we got.
On a more serious, but still important note, none of your personal information will be saved after this contest is over. All original e-mails will be deleted, and even though we'll be randomly releasing all your very personal information all over New York State, what are the chances that it'll land on someone intent on identity theft? I'm thinking, pretty low. And also, none of your information will be used for future mailing lists for the Literary Chicks, either. Once this thing is over, we'll be like, "Who are you?" Seriously. But not in a mean, clique-y way.
And stop freaking out about the balloons and the identity theft. I'm kidding. I'm not really going to attach your personal information to balloons. That would just be silly.
I'm thinking little birdies....
Good luck!
Posted by Lani at 10:23 AM
April 5, 2005
Locked out of the house
Alesia, older and wiser . . .
My darling daughter’s new favorite trick is to lock doors. Preferably, locking and closing doors when nobody is in the room. This morning, she locked the door between the garage and the kitchen, which never gets locked, which [long, boring details left out] led me to being LOCKED OUT OF MY HOUSE.
For three and a half hours.
With the dog.
Which leads to how I evidently stink at self-promotion . . .
So, like a moron, I kept trying to call Navy Guy (who was flying, of course, all important news and crises happen when he’s several thousand feet up in the air) and then called a locksmith, who promised to call me right back and never did. Luckily for me, I live in sunny, beautiful Florida, and not, for example, ANTARCTICA, but still. I tried to pick the lock, but I’d make a terrible burglar. I contemplated breaking a window but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Worn out, I took a nap with my puppy on my lap in the rocking chair on my back porch.
Finally, in a burst of genius (aka ‘why didn’t I do this earlier?’) I went to my neighbor’s house and borrowed the phone book, called a locksmith, and was in my house 30 minutes later (albeit $85 poorer). I made it inside just in time for my conference call with my new publicists, the Goddesses of Author Publicity, Tina, Shannon, and Karen. [Details of their fabulous new business will be launched at the RT convention in St. Louis later this month . . .] They were kind, delightful, and professional and didn’t even call me a Failure at Self-Promotion Weenie when I confessed my horror of asking people to write reviews for me at amazon or barnesandnoble.com.
Good news: They did, however, ever-so-graciously, offer to take these kinds of things off my hands.
Bad News: However, I had homework.
So here goes
Whew. Lessons learned: 1) I can work on overcoming my weenieness, and 2) always hide a spare key in the garage.
Hugs,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 7:39 PM
April 4, 2005
Lifestyles of the Semi-Fabulous
From Beth, April's Guest Literary Chick!
I happened to catch the last few minutes of MTV’s "Cribs" while channel-surfing yesterday and I got to thinking…what if MTV did an all chick-lit "Cribs" episode and a bunch of writers had to show the camera crew through their houses. Can you imagine?
"Here’s my office. Yeah, it looks a little chaotic with pink sticky notes and post office receipts covering every available surface, but I have a system going. A system! Those boxes in the corner? Oh, those are all my textbooks that I packed up after grad school and still haven’t gotten around to unpacking. Just ignore that huge stack of Us Weeklys on the file cabinet. That’s, um, research. Yeah. I have to keep my finger on the cultural pulse, you know…
"And here we have the kitchen. I’m on deadline, so that explains the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, the pizza boxes on the counter, and all the M&M wrappers. It does NOT explain the missing kitchen sponge that the dog ran off with and shredded in the back yard, so let’s move briskly on to…
"My luxury automobiles. Okay, my one, non-luxury automobile that’s not all tricked out with DVD players and Cristal coolers. I’m a full-time writer, okay? I drive a damn Ford. And it doesn’t even have a CD player. And the glove compartment is full of notepads, on which I scribble random plot ideas and lines of dialogue when I’m stuck in traffic. If you want Bentleys and Maybachs, you better either call Nora Roberts or sign me up for "Pimp my Ride.’"
"Finally, my fabulous walk-in closet. Look at all the cute shoes that I never wear. Look at all the T shirts and yoga pants that I wear non-stop. You’d think I’d take some of that shoe money and invest in a CD player for the car, but I never learn. And yes, those ARE more back issues of Us Weekly piled behind the shoe rack—you never know when I might need to know what Jennifer Garner wore to the Oscars in 2002. Seriously, I don’t have a problem. I know a lot of people who are way more obsessed with celebrity gossip magazines than I am. YOU’RE the one with the problem!"
Cue upbeat music, roll credits over clip of dog mauling kitchen sponge. What do you think? Should I call up the MTV production offices and start pitching?
Oh, and while you’re here, sign up for the new contest! At the end of the month, I’ll be giving away 5 copies of "Exes and Ohs" and 3 copies of "My Favorite Mistake" and hey, you deserve a little literary pick-me-up. (Lani will divulge all the details on Wednesday. Stay tuned…)
Posted by at 3:07 AM
April 3, 2005
Cackling!
From Michelle, in Surprisingly Sunny Rotterdam...
Spring has sprung, the sun is shining, and I'm off out into town in a minute (with trusty streetmarketer avoidance map).
But before I go, here are a few favorite new possibly rude-sounding Dutch words of the day:
kakelen - to cackle
kakkerlak - a cockroach
kapper - a hairdresser
You know what this means? I can now (in Dutch) cackle at the cockroach whilst having my hair done! Yeah!
Oh, and don't forget to drop by tomorrow because it marks the debut blog of our April mystery author. It will involve fun and lots of free books, and she's exciting, and funny, and if you're eager to know who she is...
...don't forget to drop by literarychicks tomorrow and ALL WILL BE REVEALED!
Have a great day, everyone!
Michelle, off to weeble down the cycle lanes...
PS. Little update on the magpies. They've finished building the nest and have moved into flirt mode :-)
Posted by Michelle at 1:35 PM
April 2, 2005
Dirty!
Lani, not meaning it that way...
You know what I love about Michelle's entries? The way everything Dutch sounds dirty.
Slagroom. Strippen Kaart. Flessenlikker. Dirty! Dirty! Really Flessen' Dirty!
Which makes me think of a friend of mine...
... from college, who called me out of the blue this week to congratulate me on the RITA noms, and to tell me he has not yet, nor will he ever, actually read my book, because it's chick stuff, but he's really excited for me that the people who read that crap actually like it.
I'm paraphrasing, but that's basically it. Hi, Bob!
But I'm not here to give Bob a bad time or harrangue him into reading my book - because I know once he does, he'll just lovvvvve it, and besides, a real man isn't afraid to read a pink book - but to recall a time when I was young *cough* and innocent **cough cough** and happened to be thrown into a dorm with the forementioned Bob living right down the hall.
Now, Bob has a special talent - the ability to take anything you say, no matter how innocently intended, and make it dirty. His favorites? Christmas Carols.
Bob, on Silent Night: I'll bet.
Bob, on Come All Ye Faithful: But be sure to do it on ye unfaithful, it's more fun.
Bob, on It Came Upon a Midnight Clear: Her name was Midnight?
And so on, and so on. And. So. On. And it never ended. (That's what she said.) No matter what I said, he'd twist it until it was dripping with double entendres. (Dripping with something.) See? Now I've got him in my head. (Not touching that one with a ten foot pole.) Bob, your pole is nowhere near ten feet.
Yikes. Now I'm doing it. It's just automatic. Whenever I talk to Bob, his twisted, nasty sense of humor invades my brain. I shudder to think what would happen if he ever went to the Netherlands. I think his head would explode.
(See? Now you're doing it, too, aren't you? Dirty Bob's in your brain, too, isn't he? Infectious little wanker.)
So, Bob, I hope you're proud of yourself. You've now infected the entire Literary Chicks audience.
Oh. Yeesh. I didn't mean it that way...
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Posted by Lani at 10:20 AM
April 1, 2005
Happy April Fool’s Day!!
Alesia, on her way to yet another conference
In the spirit of April Fool’s Day (and because - let’s be honest - I’m still not packed and have to leave in 2 hours for the First Coast Romance Writer’s Conference, where I’m a speaker), here are a few editor jokes that have been making the rounds. I STRESS AND EMPHASIZE that I have NEVER, EVER, EVER had any editors that are even SLIGHTLY like the ones below. All of my editors (hi Cindy! Hi Kate! Hi Kelly!) have been GODDESSES OF PUBLISHING, GENIUSES OF THE WRITTEN WORD, and, really, the best darn editors in the business.
Okay, blatant sucking up in form of caveat over, on to the jokes and DON’T FORGET TO SET THOSE CLOCKS FORWARD AN HOUR SATURDAY NIGHT so you can be miserably tired Monday morning for work. (See, a public service announcement right here at the Literary Chicks!)
Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I can't tell whether you mean 'change a light bulb' or 'have sex in a
light bulb'. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Does it HAVE to be a light bulb?
Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the
difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It
seems inconsistent.
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just
query them.
Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold down the author.
Q: How many booksellers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, and they'll be glad to do it too, except no one shipped them
any.
Hugs,
Alesia
Posted by Alesia at 1:13 PM
Commenting Disabled
Sorry, Chickitas! We've had to disable commenting because all the bastard comment spammers were taking up way too much of my time. I will try to come up with a way to put automatic e-mail links in so you can e-mail your comments to your heart's content! Sorry for any inconvenience.
Posted by Lani at 8:18 AM
